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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want ex to pay up

39 replies

marymary40 · 21/08/2012 23:19

Hi
My ex husband (married 10 years, much wanted, planned child) left me foe another woman a couple of weeks after dd was born.

I was devastated as you can imagine.

In the divorce, I kept my house (I owed (with a mortgage)it before I met him) but I gave him £5000 and he kept a flashy BMW (with finance still on it). I think we both got a fair deal. He agreed to pay £200 a month maintance for dd.

He paid it for approx 6 months, then told me he had financial probs and could not pay. He paid notthing for 6 months ish and then started paying £50 a month. dd is now 5 so that has been for about 4 years.

In the meantime I have met new dh and had second dd. Ex is good with dd1 and has her once a fortnight overnight and and has for the last year has also had dd2 t the same time. She was feeling left out of sis's night aways and 'other' family so ex was very accomadating andhas basically takn her on and takes her too evey other week. I know that him and all his family now consider her part of the family and for this we are grateful.

Also my husband and I have a good family income BUT i just feel that £50 a month is not good enough. I have no idea how much EX now earns, but i do he lives with parents so he has very few outgoings.

I feel over a barrel coz while Iam grateful that we have reasonable realationship and i think it is amazing he has taken on dd2 with new husband and has her every other week overnight, I really do think paying only £50 a month for his own dd is taking the piss. Should I bring it up and risk this arrangement?

OP posts:
workshy · 21/08/2012 23:25

I may be the only one to say this but if you could afford it then I would let him continue paying £50

I do think absent parents should contribute but a good relationship is a valuable thing and you can't put a price on it

the fact that he has taken DD2's feelings into account ref weekend visits etc must mean something to you surely?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2012 23:35

No 50 pounds is not enough and it is taking the piss. However, what will you lose if you tackle him on this? Will he get arsey? Will he refuse to see DD2 as well or maybe even DD1?

Another way is to think about engineering something non-confrontational. For example, "Ex-H, I have been worrying about DD1's education now that university is getting more expensive. I am planning to start a savings plan and putting in 50 pounds a month (or whatever). Would you match it?'. He can't get pissed off with that and it would mean that DD1 would be getting a bit more (even if it is in the future).

Original poster
marymary40 · 21/08/2012 23:35

My current dh says the good relationship is worth more than money, so dicourages me from bringing up that we want more. But i feel ex has never took any resposibility for anything in his life, he needs to man up and realise kids cost. DD starts school in sept, but nursery was £800 a month, swimming lessons £7 and week etc, never mind feeding and clothing.

OP posts:
littlemisssarcastic · 21/08/2012 23:38

Have you ever mentioned to your ex that you would like more than £50 a month OP?

I'm wondering why you think he would object?

Original poster
marymary40 · 21/08/2012 23:41

hinted - cost of swimming, tennis lesson, school uniform etc. Plus he said when going from £200 to £50 ir was just temp till he got on his feet and promised as soon as he could afford more he would pay more.

OP posts:
workshy · 21/08/2012 23:43

your DD did not NEED swimming & tennis lessons, it's your choice, he shouldn't be obliged to pay for them

Original poster
marymary40 · 21/08/2012 23:43

he was never tight when we were togwther but then i never had him down as as a someone likely to shag ow when I pg and a few day after dd home from hospital - so who knows!

OP posts:
nokidshere · 21/08/2012 23:43

Whilst I agree that £50 a month is not a good sum I do feel that what you might lose in relationship terms is worth far more.

littlemisssarcastic · 21/08/2012 23:45

I think I would be more direct, and ask him if he is in a position to be able to afford to pay any more maintenance yet.

His answer will tell you whether this is worth pursuing or not.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2012 23:48

So, fathers only have to pay for what children NEED. Mothers have to pay for swimming and all the things they WANT as well as what they NEED.

Original poster
marymary40 · 21/08/2012 23:49

I agree does not need then - swimming maybe but tennis def a choice. But he does need food and clthes etc, would £50 month really cover that???

I was left with 2 week old and did need to work and pay a mortgage and bills. My wage did not cover this and childcare. Luckily quite soon aftewards I met current dh . But if i had not i would not have manged. I can only mange because of dh, is that fair that ex can disolve financial responsibility just coz i have new man?

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 21/08/2012 23:56

Er, why is he taking your DD2???

Viviennemary · 21/08/2012 23:57

So you don't actually need the extra money but just feel your ex DH should pay more. That is quite a difficult one. It's impossible to say how much he should pay unless you know how much he earns. So unless you ask him this I can't see how the problem can be solved. There is a calculator on the CSA site which calculates the statutory payments.

workshy · 21/08/2012 23:59

what a child needs is a first priority yes, and yes both parents should focus on need first and nice to do second

my EX pays me £80 a month for 2 dcs which is a similarly crap amount, however he feeds them and takes them swimming when he has them alternate weekends and takes them camping for a week in the summer

money is tight for me but I can just about manage and think him maintaining a good relationship with the DCs is worth more than fight for the £139 a month the CSA calculator suggests as he would then not be able to afford any of the things he does with them and may als be the difference between him being able to afford his own home, where the DCs also a bedroom etc etc

money isn't everything

workshy · 22/08/2012 00:01

oh and non resident parent's contributions never 'cover' food and clothing, why should the resident parent not have to pay anything towards these things?

it'a a contribution

WelshMaenad · 22/08/2012 00:03

I think you should broach it, politely, but be prepared to back down if it looks like it might damage your good relationship. Yes, he SHOULD be paying proportionate to his income, and what basically amounts to £10-12 a week is a bit of a joke, but his consideration and involvement of your dd2 is pretty stellar, it would be a shame to lose that over month if you are able to manage.

Original poster
marymary40 · 22/08/2012 00:12

Workshy - 2 satudays and sundya mornings a month is hardly the same as feeding, clothing a child, and paying for child care and lessons, etc -

I pay £800 a month child care ( have to work to pay the bils), £28 swimming, £20 tennis before food and clothes - his £50 is not even a drop in the ocean - why are you so antagonistic????????????

Admittly he is good in taking dd2, so no one feels left out, and we have a good working relationship (still hate his guts for what he did to me and dd but I know I now have a far better man so always grin and be nice!) I know that is priceless but should i let him off £150 a month just coz he is being nice??

OP posts:
Kayano · 22/08/2012 00:18

Well he might have debt to pay (if he has the car finance etc) and trying to save for his own place to have the girls

Personally I wouldn't ask for more if you don't actually need it for the sake of the relationship.

Do you know if he is trying to get a new place?

Kayano · 22/08/2012 00:20

Or there is always the csa

akaemmafrost · 22/08/2012 00:21

I think you're talking absolute crap workshy.

akaemmafrost · 22/08/2012 00:23

Posted too soon. OP he should pay more but it is a tricky one because he and family sound lovely re your dd2. I'd me tempted to leave it if you don't need the money.

Kayano · 22/08/2012 00:23

glances round it really isn't workshy who is being antagonistic... She is only saying her opinion and what she would do and prioritise HmmConfused

workshy · 22/08/2012 00:24

not trying to be antagonistic

I have sympathy to a certain extent as like you my ex pays a paltry amount however I have seen men go under financially due to the demands of the ex partner as they 'have a right to the money' even though they can financially manage without

the bigger picture is that DCs benefit if both parents are happy and can have an amicable relationship

the fact that your ex has DD suggests you have an amicable relationship
the fact that your ex lives with his parents suggest he is not in the best financial position
the fact that your DD has lessons suggests that you are not struggling to pay for them

you current husband made a decision to be with you when you had a child and part of this decision would have been taking into account financial support for your DD even though he wasn't the father, and he chose to do this

your husband obviously values the opportunity for you and him to have some time together without any DCs

I also have to work to pay the bills
I don't have a partner to share the load and I have to pay for childcare (althought they are both at school) term time it's £300 a month, school holidays it's £200 a month

as I said I could fight with him for the extra but I know that this would damage our relationship and I would immagine it would have a negative impact on your situation also

so it depends on haow much you are prepared to risk this

Original poster
marymary40 · 22/08/2012 00:24

No idea of his plans - it is all very polite but chat is always about the kids.

To be honest having them is always about his mother though - i know when his mum has been away a couple of weekends he has tried to jiggle the weekends so his mum is there. i suspect she is the driving force behind the 'good' relationship - he will not risk upsetting her particularly after she nearly disowned him over leaving me.

OP posts:
workshy · 22/08/2012 00:26

sorry £200 a week (£200 a month -I wish!)