to want ex to pay up

[marymary40]

Hi
My ex husband (married 10 years, much wanted, planned child) left me foe another woman a couple of weeks after dd was born.

I was devastated as you can imagine.

In the divorce, I kept my house (I owed (with a mortgage)it before I met him) but I gave him £5000 and he kept a flashy BMW (with finance still on it). I think we both got a fair deal. He agreed to pay £200 a month maintance for dd.

He paid it for approx 6 months, then told me he had financial probs and could not pay. He paid notthing for 6 months ish and then started paying £50 a month. dd is now 5 so that has been for about 4 years.

In the meantime I have met new dh and had second dd. Ex is good with dd1 and has her once a fortnight overnight and and has for the last year has also had dd2 t the same time. She was feeling left out of sis's night aways and 'other' family so ex was very accomadating andhas basically takn her on and takes her too evey other week. I know that him and all his family now consider her part of the family and for this we are grateful.

Also my husband and I have a good family income BUT i just feel that £50 a month is not good enough. I have no idea how much EX now earns, but i do he lives with parents so he has very few outgoings.

I feel over a barrel coz while Iam grateful that we have reasonable realationship and i think it is amazing he has taken on dd2 with new husband and has her every other week overnight, I really do think paying only £50 a month for his own dd is taking the piss. Should I bring it up and risk this arrangement?

I think he should be paying more than £50 a month that's for sure.

I'm not sure why you've brought other stuff into this like him having your DD2 to stay...and the tennis and swimming lessons because the way I see it they have nothing to do with the fact he's paying a pathetic amount towards his DD's living costs.

Your DD doesn't need the tennis and swimming lessons and if you choose for her to have them, I don't think you can demand he pays towards your choice.

However, he does need to take a very large step up from paying 50 quid.

But he still has them, and DD2, and it shouldn't matter what you 'suspect' really.

It should be about maintaining relationships and ensuring the kids are fed and watered with a roof over their heads and clothes On their backs

I think he lives with parents as ow he left me fo fell though and he has good relationship with parent and they have a huge 6 bedroom house. He could live there without their lives crossing!

I think it is really sad that the OP is being criticised for suggesting that a NRP should properly support THEIR OWN child.

Too often people let the NRP of the hook with lame excuses leaving a LP struggling along and making sacrifices to try to make up the difference. It stinks.

normally I fully support trying to get NRP to pay up

certainly the ones who think they can walk away and forget they have a child

I'm not having a go at OP, but opinions were asked for and my opinion is that in situations where resident parent can manage without the money, then the quality of the relationship should be taken into account

surely not that controversial?

I do understand workshy and yes that was the crux of the situation I have asked mums netters about. That is why i went into so much detail to explain. T can manage without the cash, and he and his family have been great with dd2 but as a principle i wondered if he should cough up.

How is it a quality relationship???

She is supposed not to rock the boat by asking him to support his child, because he makes the effort to see her. He KNOWS he can get away with it so he takes the piss. and we all clap our hands and say what a good dad he is for even bothering with his child FFS

The best suggestion in my mind is from mrsterrypratchett

It seems that you don't need the money but I totally understand that you expect him to support his child appropriately. How would you feel about the college fund suggestion? Sounds like it may be a good compromise?

But does your ex have any cash? I mean can he actually afford more than he pays?

I know he's living with his Mum but that doesn't always mean he has a fair amount of money.

You said yourself that if you hadn't rushed into a new relationship with your current DH, you couldn't afford to manage either.

when i say we do not need the money obviously our life could be enhanced by extra cash (whose couldn't?)But we can manage the basics .

I have no idea how much he currently earns but at the absolute min it will be 20,000 and that really is the min i can well imagine he is on more like 40,000.

elastamum

it's not a round of applause because he sees his DD?

it's the that fact that he has taken into acount his DD's sibling, who is no relation to him whatsoever that marks him out as not a bell end IMO

none of us know what his financial situation is or what work he is in

yes his parents own a big house but it's not his is it

Why should being a decent parent and human being mean he shouldn't contribute a meaningful sum to the cost of bringing up his child, workshy? I don't get why some people are so squeamish about holding NRP's accountable for the basics.

It's a false and arbitrary split to insist that a parent-child relationship is entirely separate from the parent's responsibility to provide for their child as best they can, genuine extenuating circumstances excepted. Nobody should use their children to play games or score points with an ex-partner, but the idea that the resident parent should facilitate a relationship with the NRP no matter what is lopsided and underestimates the dedication of the majority of NRP's, who don't need to be pandered to. A NRP who would kick-off and disrupt his relationship with his child because he is asked to contribute a reasonable amount of the money needed to house and raise his child is a poor excuse for a human being. Expecting someone in the OP's position to tiptoe round the issue and ultimately subsidise her ex in case he doesn't react well is no different to expecting everyone to walk on eggshells around an abusive bully in case they 'set them off'.

Thank you Hester, that is spot on IMO.

I hate all this if he's forced to pay it'll damage the relationship bullshit. He should pay what he owes and if HE then wants to damage any relationships then that is HIS problem.