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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to withdraw my support

42 replies

mamadoc · 21/08/2012 20:47

Long story but could really use some perspective:

I have a friend I met through a toddler group when DD was small. TBH we never had much in common (her DD is 2 yrs older than mine so they're not friends either) but she was very persistent in keeping in touch when I was trying to let it drop so it just carried on.

Two years ago her DD was removed from her care by SS and I have tried to support her in her battle to get her back. I initially thought it was a huge miscarriage of justice as I never saw anything in her parenting that I thought was abusive but stuff that has come out during the course of the case has made me question my initial judgement. I still think that she should have been better supported and given more chances to turn it around but fundamentally I think she was in the wrong.

She is very isolated: no family, no partner, no job and friends seem to come and go. She is also understandably depressed at present. I therefore feel quite a lot of responsibility but its all getting too much for me.

She rings, texts, e-mails a lot. She comes round my house nearly every day and stays all day. She doesn't respond to polite hints to leave and stays until dh and I go to bed. She hasn't much money so its always me calling her back, lending a quid or two here and there (I learnt a while back never to lend more as it won't be returned), use of my phone, computer, printer and guilt trip if I ever say no.

My family life is suffering. I work, have two small kids and I do like to try and see my other friends and family sometimes! DH and DD groan when they see her coming (DS too small to care) as they know she will monopolise my time for ages. She has had quite inappropriate conversations in front of DD.

Last night I was trying to help her with a response to some official document and she was being so economical with the truth that it massively riled me and I snapped and kicked her out. I almost never get angry but I was shaking all over and couldn't calm down for ages. Today I've had texts saying how worried she is about this document and when am I going to finish helping her with it? Not worried about us arguing I notice.

So WIBU to just quit like everyone else has?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 21/08/2012 20:49

No.

HeathRobinson · 21/08/2012 20:50

How much time do you give her, as a percentage?

How much time does each member of your family get?

missymoomoomee · 21/08/2012 20:53

Sounds like she is using you tbh.

Are you getting anything from this friendship? If not then just be blunt. Sounds like she won't really take a hint.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 21/08/2012 20:53

YANBU. It sounds like you have been a fantastic friend at the expense of your own family.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 21/08/2012 20:53

YANBU

You and your family have to come first, if you can limit the time spent helping and you want to continue then fine. But if you've had enough its ok to stop

Original poster
mamadoc · 21/08/2012 20:56

Percentage hmm maths not my best subject

I have 3 days off work per week inc weekends. She is very likely to come round for the majority of 2 of those eg mid-morning to late evening.

The only way to stop her is to be out. If I try to go out once she is here she just tags along. As we live nearby she can see if I'm in. The kids give me away if I pretend not to be in plus I don't like to be dishonest.

OP posts:
MrsKeithRichards · 21/08/2012 20:58

Do you feel you can be.honest with her'

LunaticFringe · 21/08/2012 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mamadoc · 21/08/2012 21:00

She does try to help out a bit eg do some washing up when she's round, offer to get some shopping but its nothing I can't live without. I only say yes occasionally to be gracious and I am always afraid that if I do say yes it will be used against me at a later date. eg how can you refuse to let me use your printer after I got your milk the other day.

OP posts:
MsBrown · 21/08/2012 21:01

TBH it should be SS helping her - not you.

You're giving this lady your time out of pity it seems, and not because you genuinely like her.

Don't understand the issue surrounding the document which led to an argument, but obviously you are feeling tension from bottling everything up and this argument was your chance to blow off some steam.

I think you have to be firm with her. Maybe don't cut her off completely, but tell her its inappropriate for you to dedicate so much time to her when you have your own commitments. Maybe arrange to meet for a coffee at her house (that way you can leave whenever you want, and don't have to gently shoo her) for one morning a week? You can then use this time to help her with whatever needs doing.

Personally i think she needs professional help by the sounds of things. Maybe you could take her to CAB? They'd help with her various documents etc and be able to look into getting a volunteer 'befriender' (if such a scheme exits in your area. It does mine.) Basically it's just an adult who volunteers their time to vulnerable people, chatting to them and getting them out the house etc.

YANBU

Original poster
mamadoc · 21/08/2012 21:05

I know it is unacceptable really but I do feel sorry for her. Losing your child whatever the circumstances has got to be the worst thing in the world.
Although in one way I do think she needs to take some responsibility and that's what we argued about she hasn't had a good start in life herself so I don't hold her completely responsible.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 21/08/2012 21:06

she does need help, but you don't have to be the one to provide it.

I'd text back that you don't want to help her with the document and think you need some time away from your friendship, that you think you need some space and would rather have a week or so without her coming round.

Original poster
mamadoc · 21/08/2012 21:12

She is at war with SS, no way she would go to them for help.
Her lawyer and her GP help her up to a point but not quite in the same way and not as convenient as I am.
A befriender is exactly what she needs. Wonder if such exists round here?

The document was probably just the straw that broke the camels back but basically she wanted to use my computer to type it and me help her as she can't operate it. I felt what she wanted to write wasn't actually true. None of my business in the end but just touched a nerve as I feel she has also lied to me in the past or at least not told the whole truth.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 21/08/2012 21:15

Absolutely ridiculous, she is terrorising you in your own home. You shouldn't have to make excuses or go out to stop her coming round during 2/3 of your free time with your own family.

I think you sometimes have to be cruel to be kind. There's no point your family coming under strain, or even just being set a bad example, by this lady, however sad it is that she has lost her own daughter. And, as you now suspect, she is not a model parent and this makes it all the more reasonable for you to limit the contact.

I think it's fine to say 'this is getting too much for me. I'm happy to meet round for a coffee at yours on X day, but that's it'.

Now you are cross is the best time to do this. Decide what is ok, and personally this for me would mean out of the house away from my children, not discussing a ss case in front of them. Let her know. If she gets huffy/angry, move towards not seeing her at all.

I don't think she has appropriate boundaries really, and the fact that you suspect she was at the very least not an ideal parent for her child (and possibly worse) means you need to limit your contact with her.

It sounds mean, but you can't carry on as her therapist/advocat/legal help for ever, and it's better as others have said, for her to get professional help. A real friend would not ask this of you.

Mumsyblouse · 21/08/2012 21:17

And, this sounds really awful, but you will feel terrible if you helped her type out stuff that you think is stretching the truth, or even lying. And then, if the child is returned, the onus would be on you to help her and monitor her with her own child knowing she is a less than adequate parent. You know what you know, and you can't really undo that knowledge now and you do have to make peace with it yourself, however tragic that may turn out for her.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/08/2012 21:18

They didn't take her child away for no reason.

You need to concentrate on your own children and your husband. I would get mightily pissed off with my dh if he insisted that someone I don't particularly like be in my home for a significant amount of time. I'd rightly be wondering why he was putting someone else first just because he felt sorry for them.

It's unfair to your family, and to yourself, if you allow this to continue.

Birdsgottafly · 21/08/2012 21:22

Any parent going through the CP system or have had children removed is offered an advocate and befriending service.

Do you go to the CP/LAC reviews with her?

Have you seen the minutes from the LAC reviews?

DontmindifIdo · 21/08/2012 21:22

Who's more important, your DH and DCs, or this friend? Because it sounds like she's stealling your family time.

Really, you might feel sorry for her, but SS do'nt just take DCs. It's wonderful that you feel sorry for her, but she's not your responsibility. If she has noone else that's probably because they have got to this stage and thought, "I can't do this any more" and cut her out.

You do'nt have much in common, you don't really want to be her friend, tell her to back off.

MrsClown1 · 21/08/2012 21:24

I agree with outraged. You have to put yourself and your family first.

I know that previously the Samaritans had a befriending service. There were volunteers of all ages and the difference is the befriender is in contact with the client on a face to face basis. It may be worth finding out if that is still the case. If not, do you have a Single Point of Access Mental Health Org or a Women's Centre. These may be able to offer her support and you would know you have done your best. You cant possibly support her alone but you can guide her to the right people. Good luck, you sound very kind but dont let yourself be used.

Original poster
mamadoc · 21/08/2012 21:24

I have texted to say that I don't want her to come round tonight and am away the rest of this week (true). I also added that whilst I do want to help I am finding it all too much which she has ignored and just asked when I'm back.

I think I haven't been straight out honest about how I feel. I just am not used to someone who doesn't seem to understand the normal rules of social engagement. I have never had to spell it out to anyone before but I am planning to have my break, calm down and then just tell her some really clear ground rules:

I will not print out e-mails for you anymore (I get deluged with these every day)
You must not talk about anything to do with the court case etc in front of DD
You may only come round for one evening (leave by 10pm)or one afternoon (until 6pm)per week.
Phone calls on my bill are limited to 20mins.

That sounds so draconian and unfriendly but really I think it is the only way.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 21/08/2012 21:25

so economical with the truth that it massively riled me

You are probably the only person left that she can be economical with and she is using that.

Tbh, not to sound harsh but every parent that i have dealt with has a 'friend' like you and they monopolise their time because they feed into the fairytale that the parent has created, whereas the profesionalls and the solicitor won't.

Birdsgottafly · 21/08/2012 21:28

do you have a Single Point of Access Mental Health Org or a Women's Centre.

She would have been refered to all of these and you will find that appointments etc haven't been kept and she won't engage with any of them.

DontmindifIdo · 21/08/2012 21:30

Why do you feel you have to have her in your life? I'd just cut her out completely, at least for the time being. How about - evenings and weekends are family time and she's not to come round at all.

I think you are being used and you sound nice, but she's not your problem. At the risk of sounding overly harsh, I wouldn't want someone who'd had their own DCs taken off them round mine. SS has a reputation of leaving some DCs in terrible living conditions, for htem to take her DCs and not give them back they must be 100% certain she's a danger to them, not just not a very good mum. Why are you exposing your children to this woman when you don't have to?

KellyElly · 21/08/2012 21:33

So why was her child taken off her? You haven't said. I'm not surprised she is low depressed and desperate and I doubt anyone who has posted here could ever imagine being in her situation. She has noone and I find some of the repsponses here pretty harsh without knowing the facts. I agree it shouldn't become your problem but perhaps you are her last hope. Did she abuse her child? More information is needed.

Proudnscary · 21/08/2012 21:36

You sound so nice but your 'draconian' list above is not nearly draconian enough! You need to cut her out completley for your own sanity and for your family.

You have tried very hard to support her so don't feel bad. You've gone way, way past the call of duty (not that there was ever any duty) and past the help most people would offer. She is sucking you dry.

Just be firm - you no longer want to see her, no she can't come round, don't answer her texts, don't do her favours or lend her money.