Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

bloke thinks he has the tough job!

42 replies

pink76 · 21/08/2012 08:56

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit p'd off when my bloke moans about what a stressfull day he has had at work? I currently look after our 3 year old daughter full time.

My issue, I realise, is not a huge one so I will keep this brief!

Is it common for fellas to assume being at home with a little one all day is a breeze compared to working full time?

I am currently studying with the OU part time as well so my life is pretty full.

I think we should do a swap for a week and see how well he copes!

Sorry for the rant

xxx

OP posts:

advisemewisely · 21/08/2012 08:58

why isnt he allowed to moan about having a hard day?
does he say you arent doing a tough job?

dubbada · 21/08/2012 09:01

Just accept it, you will never be truly appreciated use it to your advantage, never as for anything till hes fed and watered let him gripe about his day first if you fight with him about whos more stress etc you will always lose because hes bringing home the bacon.

I didnt mind as long as he didnt make life harder ie clearing up after himself etc

MrMiyagi · 21/08/2012 09:04

slowestwildebeast · 21/08/2012 09:04

If he says it's harder than yours or turns it into a competition yanbu.
If it's a general moan yabu.

Whatever the stresses of jobs vs staying at home I know I'd rather be in the home working as a mother over going to work for someone else.

fishface2 · 21/08/2012 09:04

Yanbu but it's quite common for people who do no child care to think it is the easy option. My dp and I have always shared child care so appreciate that both paid work and child care can be hard in different ways. I think personally think this is the only way to achieve equal status.

HecateHarshPants · 21/08/2012 09:04

Him talking about his hard day is not a criticism of your day.

It's not a competition.

Unless he is actually telling you that he is so tired, and it's ok for you, at home all day, you have it easy...

but if he is not, then he is just sharing with you! That's not a criticism of you.

Why, when he says he's had a hard day, do you hear a judgement about your day? Why can't you both be tired? Why does he have to say "I'm tired, but not as tired as you, obviously."

Unless he is actually saying stuff like this (in which case he is an arse) then the problem here is you. Not you but rather how you feel and how you interpret things as a competition/attack on you/dismissal of your contribution

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 21/08/2012 09:05

Competative tiredness never goes well. Sympathise a bit, mop his fevered brow for a while when he gets home, then there may be room for you to tell him about your day.

Where would you rather be, at home with your lo, or out at work? It helps a great deal if you are where you want to be. If you are not, change it.

rainbowinthesky · 21/08/2012 09:05

It's pretty unlikely that your day was more stressful than his, I mean honestly looking after one 3 year old is a breeze compared to most jobs. That said I would find it boring to listen to him moaning each day.

fishface2 · 21/08/2012 09:06

Dubbada- are you being serious? I can't work it out

Theglassishalffull · 21/08/2012 09:08

Sorry but YABa little U. The one person you can moan about your work to is your DP. Likewise if you have had a hard day you should tell him. You listen about his day he listens to yours.

fishface2 · 21/08/2012 09:09

Rainbow - i agree it's not difficult to stay at home but isn't it tiring as in draining and occasionally boring.

rainbowinthesky · 21/08/2012 09:09

Absolutely I agree re draining and boring but not stressful.

CurlyKiwiControl · 21/08/2012 09:13

I know what you mean OP.

But as said, competitive tiredness, or my job is harder than your job, never ends well.

Smile and nod.

Unless he is saying 'ive been at work all day, i cant help with anything', its just one of those things, everyone lives a moan sometimes.

I have a 8 month old and a four year old, DP works, I dont think he realises quite what my day entails ... he is soon to find out ... im back to work in a week and we have worked our shifts in a one in one out way ... hes not gonna know whats hit him

NotMostPeople · 21/08/2012 09:19

We used to have an agreement not to get drawn into competitive tiredness and to accept that we both had stressful times. You can still moan to your partner, just compare.

Now I'm still a sahm, dcs all at school and I have a much easier time then DH but we still stick to the old rules.

NotMostPeople · 21/08/2012 09:19

Not compare.

charlottehere · 21/08/2012 09:22

He can find his day hard going too? Looking after 1 3 year old isn't that much work anyway unless there are other issues. Doesn't your child go to pre-school?

charlottehere · 21/08/2012 09:25

I think its eay to take a partners moaning as cristisim of how easy you have it. Does he actually comment? I know sometimes my DH will say hes tired and I get narky (unfairly), if your tired your tired and he does work 50 hours a week! But I am pregnant hormonal and have 3 other children.

changeforthebetter · 21/08/2012 09:27

Sorry you are getting a bit of harsh ride on here. It's not as if you and DD are just sitting in front of Jezza with a Greggs Sos Roll.

I think the SAHM role is often viewed as very low status and those who don't do it (have done both SAHM and WOHM FT) underestimate the draining tedium of it. There is a lack of adult company and stimulation for starters!!

Well done on keeping up with your OU degree. Hopefully, you will get a chance to pursue your interests when your DD is at school.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 21/08/2012 09:29

I will probably get battered but looking after one 3 year old is rarely hard work.
If you are depressed, the child as SN, you have other circs I.e poverty, living in cramped accommodation etc it can be.

But one healthy adult looking after one healthy child is not hard work.

Boring, frustrating maybe.
Do you not get 15hrs nursery?

Let him moan as long as he is not using it as an excuse to do nothing at home or to criticise you.

rainbowinthesky · 21/08/2012 09:30

Changeforthebetter - why the assumption that those who say looking after one 3 year old isn't stressful must never have been a sahp?

fishface2 · 21/08/2012 09:31

Before your battering. I agree with you

solidgoldbrass · 21/08/2012 09:34

It does depend a little bit on what he does for a living. If he spends his days scraping up the aftermath of road accidents/being thumped by prison inmates/down a mine then that possibly is a bit tougher than childcare, if he's just sitting in an office playing FreeCell answering the occasional phonecall, with plenty of coffee breaks then it's not.

However, is he whining about work as a way of justifying not doing his share of the domestic work; are you 'on duty' 24/7 for housework and childcare because he 'works hard'? The way to ensure your marriage/relationship is a fair one is for both you and him to have the same amount of leisure time, not for him to be able to do what he likes once he comes home while you are still washing pots and wiping kids' arses and noses until you fall into bed.

Kayano · 21/08/2012 09:35

Is this a competitive misery thing then?

If he says he is tired to you automatically compare with how tired you are and dismiss it?

AGilchrist · 21/08/2012 09:36

I have been both sahm and working mum. Both can be stressful. One person saying this, does not mean the other is not.

MrsHelsBels74 · 21/08/2012 09:36

My husband wants to be a stay at home dad because 'it's easy'

Makes me very . I think I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he has single handedly looked after our son 2.6 so he really does have no idea.

Flip

1 2