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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect hubby to watch ExP in a musical?

40 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 21/08/2012 08:25

So basically...

ExP left me whilst I was preggers with DC to run off with a nubile teen. I now feel zilch for him but thankfully he IS a good dad, pays maintenance on time & we've managed to sort everything amicably enough somehow. DH & I met whilst I was preggers - he's been there every moment for DC & raised him as a 2nd father. He & ExP are civil but DH wants as little to do with ExP as possible.

Recently, ExP has requested we bring DC to watch a musical he is starring in. He does a lot of musical theatre. He has requested this many times before, I knew DH would go mad so far I've always stalled it saying DC was too little. But now he's not & part of me thinks it's a fair enough request. I told DH what had been asked, asked what I should say. ExP had actually offered us his flat to stay in afterwards as he's at the after party (we live hours away) & a meal, but I said to DH I knew that was too much. Initially DH agreed on the condition we leave DC there for an extra night & come straight back although he wasn't happy.

Since then, DH has been seriously off with me. This erupted into a full scale row yesterday in which DH says ExP has backed him into a corner forcing him to go, I haven't considered his feelings at all etc etc. I feel like iv done nothing but as iv turned down every similar request for the past few years (including requests for us all to have a meal together etc) on the grounds of his feelings, & I know ExP hadn't even considered him in this. I feel nothing for ExP other than as the father of my DC. I've told DH he of course doesn't need to come - DC & I can get the train ( I don't drive) but DH says that's not an option as "he'll be making a statement". But I asked him what I should say before I responded to ExP initially?!

Don't feel I can do right for doing wrong in this situation. Is ExP BU to expect us to take his DC to see him in the musical? AIBU for expecting DH to come? And is DH BU for responding like this? Please tell it to me honestly (I know you will!)

OP posts:

DozyDuck · 21/08/2012 08:28

I'd go. I'd tell bf to go too he is always doing things with his kids mums and it's nice that the kids have a close family (although it's mainly a front)

lunar1 · 21/08/2012 08:29

You dh is being unreasonable. Either he goes or not that is up to him but he cannot possible stop your children from seeing their dad in the musical. He should not be putting you in this position.

PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 21/08/2012 08:30

Doesn't ex P have parents/brother/sister that could take DC to see the show?

hokeycakey · 21/08/2012 08:30

Bloody hell yanbu you have offered him the option not to go, he is being childish he needs to understand that he is your dc's father it is not unreasonable for him to want her to go, this should be about dc not your dh!

CailinDana · 21/08/2012 08:31

What's your DH's objection? Is he jealous? I wouldn't be too happy if my DH expected me to watch his ex in a play but if there was a child involved I would suck it up because it would be lovely for the child to see their father acting.

Why is it not an option for you to go on your own? What does "making a statement" mean?

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 21/08/2012 08:32

I wouldn't take my DP to see my ex-H in anything. But neither of us can stand him so it wouldn't even come up. I'd never ask him to do anything he didn't want to.

TroublesomeEx · 21/08/2012 08:33

I think you are right and that you probably can't do right for doing wrong because it's a situation your husband feels uncomfortable with and he would rather not be dealing with/thinking about it at all. So no resolution is going to be satisfactory to him.

But when you marry someone who has children by someone else, you have to accept that, generally, that person will still be a feature in your lives.

I think it's important for the children to see their dad participating in something like this so I think it's a no brainer that they go and, obviously, they will need you to facilitate it.

Your husband can't expect you and the children to not go so he either sucks it up and goes, or sucks it up and doesn't go.

I don't envy his position at all though!

comelywench · 21/08/2012 08:34

DH is being unreasonable. DC should absolutely have the chance to see their Dad in his musical. However, DH should not have to go, try to find a way for DC to go without involving DH.

It'll all calm down I reckon. Hang in there.

2rebecca · 21/08/2012 08:41

Do the kids want to go? I suspect in something like this I would take the kids and leave my husband at home if he didn't want to come. Alternately your ex could get his parents or one of his relatives to take the kids, although it sounds as though there is only 1 child if your current husband met you when you were pregnant so your abbreviation is a bit confusing.
I don't see why your current husband would "go mad" at the idea of your child seeing his father in a musical. He sounds immature and aggressive.

QuickLookUsainBolt · 21/08/2012 08:41

It's a bit much to expect your DH to stay in ex's flat I think. I wouldn't want to stay in my DH's exs flat or watch her doing her job.

I agree with PinkChampagne, a granny/aunt or someone should take DS.

GaryTankCommander · 21/08/2012 08:45

Your DC should see their Dad in his musical of course. But your DH shouldn't have to. Just leave your DH out of it in the future, I can understand totally why he doesn't want to be friendly with your ExP.

Get the train, leave DH out of it. If DH has a problem with that -tough!

Jenny70 · 21/08/2012 08:51

I agree your child should see his Dad perform.

But why do you and DH have to take him exactly? I realise Dad will be on stage etc, but isn't there someone else that could take him during a regular access visit (assuming one happens in right timeframe)?

I probably would be slightly annoyed to spend hours in car, sitting through performance (I like musicals, but assuming your DH doesn't) then driving back late etc. But realistically I would suck it up, it's one day (maybe 1.5) that is not about him, it's about your child, and doing what's best by him. I'd be annoyed (and you'd owe me a boys night out, day at golf or whatever), but I'd suck it up and not sulk, whinge and moan about it.

UnrequitedSkink · 21/08/2012 08:52

Your DH is being unreasonable - you've given him all the options, none of them suit him, but he's still being an arse. Does he think that a) you'll be swept off your feet by your ex or b) your ex treated you so badly that you shouldn't want to fraternise with him because of this?

TBH in your shoes I'd be emphasising to my DH that I was not looking forward to going, but that I felt that DS had the right to go...but on the bright side, how funny it was going to be watching exDH make a bit of a tit of himself in his silly play, and how you and current DH would be jointly amused by the spectacle. If your DH feels superior to exDH (and not at all threatened) he may just enjoy going...

ProPerformer · 21/08/2012 09:09

OP where and when is this performance? I'd happily take your DC and I'd pay for my own ticket I LOVE musicals!!

Seriously though your DP is being a bit of an arse. He does t want to go, fair enough, but trying to make you feel guilty about you and DC going is just manipulative in my view. Do YOU want to go and see the show? (Not saying you want to see exP in it but is it a show you would want to see anyway?) if you want to go then you go with DC and leave moaning DP at home to sulk. You are taking your CHILD to see THEIR FATHER in a show not going yourself to see you ex - there is a big difference in that which I don't think your DP has quite grasped. Would your DP feel better if you offered to book yourself an overnight hotel instead of staying at the flat as that may be the crux of the issue - he's worried about you staying at ExP's flat on your own so feels he needs to come so that doesn't happen.
If you don't want to go then I say, if DC wants to go try to find someone else to take them, I'm sure there would be someone willing to. Or if it's an ameture society production get ExP to arrange transport for your DC himself and let DC go alone and sit with someone ExP knows from the society as there is bound to be a regular supporter who wouldn't mind sitting with your DC, provided your DC wouldn't mind that.

Ok I've rambled but I hope it helps and makes sense!

longjane · 21/08/2012 09:12

i think it is ex job to let his kid see work

not yours
dont do it

flatpackhamster · 21/08/2012 09:33

I think you are being unreasonable. Your DH clearly has issues with your ex, whatever they are, jealously, loathing, etc. He doesn't talk about them because men just don't talk about that kind of stuff the way women do. It sounds to me as though he's been stewing about it for a few days which is why he blew up. That's how lots of men deal with their feelings.

I suggest you talk it out - rationally - between you and get your DH to open up about his feelings on this. You won't be able to reassure him but you might at least be able to understand him.

As to what the answer is - I don't know.

solidgoldbrass · 21/08/2012 09:37

Your current P needs a kick in the cock, he's being a total whinyarse. Your XP has, by the sound of it, been a good dad and there is nothing at all unreasonable in wanting his DC to see him perform. I assume that DC is simply too young to make the trip alone, so your XP is being civilised and generous by offering accomodation as well and inviting your H along.
Tell the H to grow up and get over himself, that he needn't come along but he doesn't get to spoil the trip for your DC by sulking and whining.

iknowwho · 21/08/2012 09:41

Your DH is acting like a toddler and having a tantrum.

It sounds like a fair offer from your ex and it is good to see that he is being friendly and wanting to be involved with the kids.
Nothing sadder than parents at war with exes and the kids stuck in the middle.

In a nut shell your ex is NOT being UR
I can understand your DH being uncomfortable but he is your family now so I can't get why he is being like this. He doesn't have to go if he doesnt' want to but the offer is there if he changed his mind.

I would go because it sounds like you want to with your DC.

Pseudo341 · 21/08/2012 09:43

I really think it's your ex's responsibility to find someone from his side of the family to take DC to the show, and he should miss the party afterwards to put his child to bed. Yes it's a nice idea for DC to see Daddy on stage, but it really isn't your job to organize it. On the other hand ex does get kudos for apparently being cool with the idea of you and your DH shagging in his bed, if that's not a sign that the two of you have no feelings left for each other I don't know what is!

LoveHandles88 · 21/08/2012 09:49

Why can't you get an aunt or something to take your ds??

KellyElly · 21/08/2012 09:53

Well your DH doesn't have to go so what's the big deal. Tell him to grow up and stop taking things out on you. You are being a good parent and trying to maintain a civil relationship with your child father and fair play to you for that. You are putting the feelings of your child above your own. If more seperated parents could act like this there'd be less emotionally damaged children.

AmberLeaf · 21/08/2012 09:59

Your DH is being pathetic.

OovoofWelcome · 21/08/2012 10:11

I can understand your DH's position on this. He obviously doesn't want to go - and who can blame him? But if he doesn't go, it'll be as if you, DC and ExP are the family unit. He doesn't want to be sidelined inappropriately, but he doesn't want to sit and watch ExP ponce about onstage.

I think someone from ExP's family should take DC. It isn't your job to make sure DC sees the musical. Your job is to focus on your current relationship and facilitate DC's relationship with their dad without getting overly involved in ExP's life.

iscream · 21/08/2012 10:14

I think your husbands feeling should matter more than an invitation. This one time he needs to man up and go as he already said yes. Or get a friend to go along and say dh had to work if your ex asks. Which he won't really be able to if he is on the stage anyways right? But in future I think your ex should arrange someone else to escort the child.
If you do know someone who would be happy to take your dc to the performance, maybe you can arrange that, and simply tell your ex so and so is going to town for something and will take dc to see him and save you the trip.
In future he should arrange this with a grandparent or someone, not you and your dh.

WilsonFrickett · 21/08/2012 10:25

DP has obviously been stewing about it since his original 'yes' - do you know why? Is he jealous of you and XP's relationship? has he always wanted to be in a musical? Something has happened to make him change from 'yes OK' to a full scale row.

Do you have to go on the same night as the afterparty, by the way? Wouldn't it be easier for you to take DC to the theatre, leave them with XP after the show and then just come home yourself? There's really no need for DH to see the show if he doesn't want to - essentially, why would a complete stranger go and see a random musical (unless they liked musicals) - there's no reason why he should want to go.

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