To expect hubby to watch ExP in a musical?

[BoyMeetsWorld]

So basically...

ExP left me whilst I was preggers with DC to run off with a nubile teen. I now feel zilch for him but thankfully he IS a good dad, pays maintenance on time & we've managed to sort everything amicably enough somehow. DH & I met whilst I was preggers - he's been there every moment for DC & raised him as a 2nd father. He & ExP are civil but DH wants as little to do with ExP as possible.

Recently, ExP has requested we bring DC to watch a musical he is starring in. He does a lot of musical theatre. He has requested this many times before, I knew DH would go mad so far I've always stalled it saying DC was too little. But now he's not & part of me thinks it's a fair enough request. I told DH what had been asked, asked what I should say. ExP had actually offered us his flat to stay in afterwards as he's at the after party (we live hours away) & a meal, but I said to DH I knew that was too much. Initially DH agreed on the condition we leave DC there for an extra night & come straight back although he wasn't happy.

Since then, DH has been seriously off with me. This erupted into a full scale row yesterday in which DH says ExP has backed him into a corner forcing him to go, I haven't considered his feelings at all etc etc. I feel like iv done nothing but as iv turned down every similar request for the past few years (including requests for us all to have a meal together etc) on the grounds of his feelings, & I know ExP hadn't even considered him in this. I feel nothing for ExP other than as the father of my DC. I've told DH he of course doesn't need to come - DC & I can get the train ( I don't drive) but DH says that's not an option as "he'll be making a statement". But I asked him what I should say before I responded to ExP initially?!

Don't feel I can do right for doing wrong in this situation. Is ExP BU to expect us to take his DC to see him in the musical? AIBU for expecting DH to come? And is DH BU for responding like this? Please tell it to me honestly (I know you will!)

I don't think your DH should have to go if he really doesn't want to. Could you take the DC on your own/with another family member. If you really feel that it's too far to come home that night I'm sure he'll not mind too much if you maybe stay in a hotel.

I can see your DH's view. Why should he have to travel for hours and watch your ex in a musical, then stay in your ex's place because your DS matters so little to ex that he's off at a party?

It is fine that your ex wants DS to see him - in that case he collects him, has a relative known to DS take him and then he takes him back to his place afterwards and misses the party. He then brings him home. If he's not willing to do those and all the travel, Childcare and inconvenience is n you, then it can't be that big a priority to him.

Why does your H have to go with you to watch you EX put on a show? Why is your EX so obsessed with having his replacement in the audience?

You can't decline the offer just because DH doesn't want to go and it sounds to me like that's what he would have preferred you to do because he doesn't want to have to sit through it/ make a statement.

It's understandable he doesn't want to go and that he doesn't want to look like he's making a big deal. However, what you need to point out to him it that it's hardly likely that your EXP will give a shit whether he is there or not.

It would seem normal to me for the current family set up to take the child to see his real father in a show.

you take the child, the current DP accompanies you.

OR. The child stays with GPS and they take him.

However. Your DP is being a monumental arse over this.

I think that hermioneweasley has got it right.

Your Ex is asking for quite a bit and giving nothing back.

He gets his Ds delivered to a show, then gets to fuck off to a party and return? when he likes, then gets his Ds for an extra day.

If he was that bothered he would have organised the traveling, a reletive to sit with Ds during the show and miossed the after party.

I can see why your DP is pissed of.

This will be the start of it, what about the next show and the one after that etc.

As someone who does amdram I can see why the ex doesn't want to miss the aftershow party - it's the big chance for everyone involved in the show to let their hair down and enjoy themselves after the hard work of the show (and musicals are bloody hard work). It's a one-off, it's not like it could be any other night (although perhaps the DC could attend the show another day?)

I think your DH is acting like a petulant eejit. If the DC has a good relationship with their father, why shouldn't they want to see him in a show? I know I'd want DD to come and see me (if I ever did anything suitable for children - we seem to have had a run of plays with lots of four letter words recently!).

He says you haven't considered his feelings - what exactly are his feelings? Jealousy? Spite? That 'his' DC get to see their 'real' father being good at something he can't do? He needs to get over himself. And as for the 'making a statement' thing, well, he should have thought of that before he said yes. He's making a statement that he's a bit of a twat, tbh.

Thank you all..

I'm not surprised that this one has divided opinion: I feel quite divided about it myself which is why I asked. I really can see both points if view. If I was in my DHs shoes I wouldn't like it one bit - id hate to sit and watch his ex in a play!! But then there are no children connecting him to his ex and as people have pointed out I very definitely would not be going for my ex.

At the same time I think ExP has a right to at least ask for his child to go...he's proud of what he's achieving & wants LO to see it. I'm not 100% comfortable with the fact we need to be there in order for that to happen but DC is still very little, we live far away, ExP only has certain days off when he can have him (odd working schedule) so this is the way it is. I had wondered why his mum couldn't take him although it would mean us losing our weekend for once.

But now I feel it's all causing more of an issue than was ever needed. I don't have a prob with ExP, I'm glad we're civil & don't want to complicate that. I also don't want to hurt DH & have to respect him as my husband.

I'm thinking of giving him 3 options:

1. come with us & stop holding it against me but il give lots of reassurance & obviously we won't stay at ExPs
2. don't come & DC and I will get the train
3. let me call ExP and explain the situation to him - without taking sides but stating its not me who has any problem in any way or this could complicate our good shared parental responsibility down the line.

So confused

But when you marry someone who has children by someone else, you have to accept that, generally, that person will still be a feature in your lives.

This. But equally, I understand that this may involve circumstances which otherwise you'd prefer to avoid. However, the commonsense option seems to be that you take your dc to see his father in the musical and your dh stays at home. It's not making any sort of statement beyond the fact that it is better for your dc to have a good relationship with his father and that, right now, your dc needs to be accompanied to the performance. Your dh really shouldn't need "lots of reassurance" unless he has massive insecurity issues because you are married to him. Not your former partner. But equally, your former partner is connected to you by the child you had with him. Your dh may as well learn to accept this because this situation isn't going to change!

It is your current H who is being the knob, it really is. The world does not revolve around him and nor does the family. Your XP sounds as though he made the offer of accomodation in a friendly sort of spirit ie trying to demonstrate that he is not shutting your H out.

Can you point out to H that by behaving like this he's making XP look like the better person ie generous and friendly, while H is behaving like a sulky teenager.

Don't do 3. Your DH already has issues with your XP, passing the control/power over to X would only inflame the situation.

I'm actually changing my thinking on this. I'm taking from your last post that, because DC is so young, the Saturday or Friday night of the show is the only night he can do because of school next day, etc. And that's the last night, hence the party and stuff. I actually think your XP has to chose between his LO seeing the show and you then leaving the child with him, or attending the party. He is actually doing nothing to facilitate this at all, is he? Fair enough if it was just down the road, but actually if it means so much to X, he has to do more to get the child there, I think.

No, your priority has to be putting the current H firmly in his place ie he's not in charge of the relationship between your DC and your XP, nor is he in charge of the relationship between XP and yourself.

Let ex's mum take him.

Otherwise, it's almost like ex is wanting to show off how well he's doing to you, too.

Wow, you're actually putting your Ex before your DH?

Yes your DC should be able to see Ex in show. Ex clearly wants you to see it too, so he can show off his talent. DH can stay at home, surely?

Im going to say YANBU, it will be nice for your DC to see his dad doing something that he enjoys.
If you have always been amicable then it shouldn't be a surprise to your DH and for those saying why are you putting EXp before DH? Thats rubbish your putting your DC before your DH and thats how it should be.
Good Luck OP your DH is BU.