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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend talking in a smutty way around young teenagers.

27 replies

Colleger · 21/08/2012 01:15

I was out with a friend I've known for a very long time but don't see very often recently. We have very different lifestyles but I don't judge her in any way - each to their own.

Anyway, our teenage kids were with us and she was using disgusting language, calling herself a MILF and saying other things - ive never heard her soeak this way before. I jokingly kept saying, "please don't say that in front of my son" but she kept retorting that he'd hear worse at school and continued saying disgusting things or using innuendo. My son then thought he could speak inappropriately - he never does in front of me - and when I chastised him she told him to go ahead and keep talking like that, laughing and finding it hilarious.

AIBU to think that adults shouldn't speak like this to 13 year olds even if they do hear worse at school, and that we have a duty to act as adults and not teenagers in such a situation? I adore my friend and she is now planning to come down for a weeks holiday soon but I don't want that type of influence in my home. If I'm blunt with her the holiday will be very awkward.

OP posts:
darksideofthemooncup · 21/08/2012 01:18

Eurgh, that is completely inappropriate and she should know better. Does she have children?

scummymummy · 21/08/2012 01:19

Yuck. Was she drunk?

Original poster
Colleger · 21/08/2012 01:19

Her 14 year old daughter was with her. She talks to her about everything. Fine, good but I don't need to hear about it and nor does my son. Who, fwiw, has had the sex-ed chat!

OP posts:
Original poster
Colleger · 21/08/2012 01:19

Not drunk :(

OP posts:
doinmummy · 21/08/2012 01:19

Not appropriate at all. Does she have children? If she's not respecting you by carrying on with the smutty talk , is she that good a friend?

doinmummy · 21/08/2012 01:21

Can you think of a one liner type thing that would shame her into stopping ?

I'm not good at that type of thing but I bet someone on here can think of something.

Original poster
Colleger · 21/08/2012 01:25

I need a one liner that stops her but doesn't offend her. Anyone? I was going to say my husband wouldn't like it when she is down but he won't be there most of the time and the fact I mention it means that I clearly think its disgusting! Confused

OP posts:
doinmummy · 21/08/2012 01:28

Something along the lines of " don't talk like that it makes you sound common/cheap/disgusting/thick"

Hmmmm maybe a bit offensive. But then. why should you put up with her offensive chat?

doinmummy · 21/08/2012 01:30

I have a 'special look' that I use on people when I disapprove Grin

Have a practice in the mirror.... you have to stare really hard while curling your lip in disgust.

bogeyface · 21/08/2012 01:34

"MILF? YOU?!" followed by laughing your ass off should do it!

darksideofthemooncup · 21/08/2012 01:38

Can you email/write to her? Regardless of whether or not your ds hears 'worse in school' it is not appropriate for a grown woman to talk like that in front of a minor.

darksideofthemooncup · 21/08/2012 01:42

If you want a one liner, how about 'please stop talking like this, you embarrassing the children - let alone yourself' It would stop me in my tracks!

darksideofthemooncup · 21/08/2012 01:43

you are

bogeyface · 21/08/2012 01:44

Actually, give it a couple of years and you will get the "People think we're sisters" thing, so it needs nipping in the bud now. Does she have an OH? I am thinking she doesnt......

I missed the bit about the holiday, you need to be blunt before then. You wouldnt accept her coming to your house and giving your DS booze or drugs, but both are available to kids that age.

A simple email along the lines of "I kjnow that you speak to your DD that way but I would prefer it if you didnt say that sort of thing infront of my son. You may find it acceptable but I am afraid that me and DH dont. I am sure you understand"

If she doesnt then she wont come to stay and wasnt much of a friend anyway.

iscream · 21/08/2012 05:55

I
agree with bogeyface. Tell her straight out that it is inappropriate. It makes her sound like a lecherous old fogey.

HildaOgden · 21/08/2012 07:44

Point out to her that if she was a man,she'd be suspected of being a paedophile.

Just tell her it makes her sound really creepy,and that she should recheck her boundaries around other peoples children.

JeezyPeeps · 21/08/2012 07:46

What Hilda said.

I would be tempted to say 'I can't believe how inappropriate you are being. What would you think of my husband was to talk to your daughter like that?'

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 21/08/2012 07:57

I honestly don't think offending her is a problem you should concerns yourself about. She needs telling, very firmly, that this is not acceptable!

Kabooooom · 21/08/2012 08:07

You need to be blunt. I had this problem with a relative, in front of my even younger than teenage son.

Do not tell her to not say stuff like that in front of your children in a joking way. Tell her with a straight face, and stern voice as you would a child so she knows you are being serious about this and will not allow it.

Then say what Hilda and Jeezy said.

Original poster
Colleger · 21/08/2012 16:00

The sister thing has already been mentioned and when her DD was 12 she was letting her drink alcopops at home.

Actually, her daughter is absolutely delightful and not crass in any way and doesn't binge drink so maybe that aspect has worked - time will tell. My friend seems to have changed in the last year. I think she is trying to re-live her youth and I care about her a lot and adore her daughter. It's tricky... :(

OP posts:
Jamillalliamilli · 21/08/2012 16:56

Colleger you have to tell her. This won?t improve untackled.

I had a different problem with my immature middle aged friend invading my son?s space, being flirtatious wanting his opinion on every little thing, and tbh acting like they were a close couple.

Hers was more in a ?romantic? vein, than sexual, but just as disturbing to me.

Son bless him, didn?t notice and just kept accidently treading on her and falling over her, and wondering why she was magnetically attached. One day she went to lay her head on his shoulder while talking to me.

It?s hard to explain in words but I?m not particularly precious and you do know the difference between a friend being ?matey?, genuinely friendly, or tactile with your teens, and when it?s something else.

If necessary you say your boy is much less mature, may misunderstand, may repeat the behaviour with someone else?s mum, may not treat women respectfully, etc,

(My friend has many sad reasons for her behaviour, but it's still a zero tolerance thing. She was horrified when I pointed out that she looked like a paedophile trying to groom him and I looked like I was in on it!)

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 21/08/2012 17:33

She sounds like the sort of woman who is her dd's "best friend" and will want to go clubbing with her.

Ephiny · 21/08/2012 17:43

How can you call yourself a MILF, how does that even work?

He probably does hear worse at school, I'm afraid. It's still a bit weird and inappropriate for an adult to be talking like that with kids though.

Mrsjay · 21/08/2012 18:10

sounds like a friend of mine she has no boundries and would say anything In the end I had to ask her to stop my DDs were Blush, got the same retort they will hear worse at school , I said yes from kids their own age not a 36yr old woman , she did shush and I didnt hear from her for a while after that ,

manticlimactic · 21/08/2012 18:27

and when I chastised him she told him to go ahead and keep talking like that, laughing and finding it hilarious

I'd have been fuming about that ^ and she wouldn't have liked what Iwould have said to her.