To confront my in laws when they come round later..

[Wheresmygalaxy]

My ds is now 7 weeks old, but this has gone on long before, to make it short in the past few months ive had to deal with:

1. my stepmum passing away in may from a horrible long suffering illness, inlaws know this ad havent asked once howim doing let alone my dad!

1. being diagnosed with spd at 6 months pregnant, to help out they would continually come round without telling me and expecting me to get out of bed to see to them, when i refused (i was on crutches at the time, they moaned to dp about me being lazy!)

1. I was a week overdue, had a 4 day labour and in severe pain with spd to "help" they called at all times of the night to see if there was any news, even after being told by dp we would let them know as soon as anything happened.

1. I said i didnt want her in the delivery room after she told me she would be there, this was seen as me choosing my own mum over here - which i did, im close to my mum, i dont get on with mil really well. just polite for dp's sake

1. baby was taken into intensive care for 1st week, she never visited me in hospital even though we were both kept in for a week, she would go straight to see ds, and after being told by staff to leave and be accompanied by 1 of the parents accused me of telling them to say it to her.

1. visited the 1st day i got home from hospital after me saying i wanted to get home and relax - i came home at 9pm at night, and there were here for 3 nights that week.

1. the 2nd week out of hospital mil sent round family member to say she was really upset that we hadnt been to visit her, and she'd got herself into a bad state - i had just give birth, hadnt really had the energy to get dressed let alone go out visiting people.

1. by now she was moaning to take ds out so i stupidly let her take him for a walk, she was back within 40 minutes telling me he hadnt woken up to look at the ducks so was pointless being out with him!

there is lots more i could list but what happened last week was that i was told by 2 different people how they had been slagging me off for ot letting them see their grandson and how i wouldnt let them take him for days out. the day out i wouldnt let them take him on was a trip to their local pub at 6 weeks t show off to all their friends. instead dp went with them to his aunts house so they still got to see him for the day.

1 of the people who told me what they had been saying is my aunt, they dont know its my aunt though i think they assumed she was just a stranger in the pub who they got chatting to but my aunt knew who they where and didnt say anything. Ive told dp to have a word with them before and he has but it obviously did no good, would it help if i said something now as its getting beyond a joke, if there telling strangers what they think of me what are they saying to closer friends and family. for the record now 2 of his aunts now wont speak to me and i have no idea why, but to be honest i dont care if this is he mentality im dealing with.

also his parents are really big drinkers especially his mum, she wont admit she has a drink peoblem and the family just laugh it off so the thought of leaving ds with her just terrifies me. ive never stopped them seeing him and never will, they were due to come visit yesterday but they wet to the pub instead. so now there coming today, should i say something or keep quiet to try and restore the peace??

You've posted about them before, haven't you?

If your DH will back you up, say something.

But what is it you want to say, exactly?

(Congratulations btw!)

No real advice for you i'm afraid but i think i would get your husband to deal with them and take a big step back and don't let them invade your home or your DS. He's still a tiny baby, so no i wouldn't let them take him out for the day either.

Congratulations on your DS tho and keep strong

I remember you posting about them before too.

I wouldn't let them have your dc without you or your DP there.

I wouldn't have a big rant at them, but I would start calling them on any behaviour as it happens. If they call round at a bad time tell them so. If they ask to take baby out say no.

Whoever it is telling you what she has been saying about you - tell them not to bother in future. That you have heard enough to know what she thinks of you, and that you don't need the upset of hearing on a regular basis about how she's been slagging you off.

I read your previous messages and IMO your inlaws sound awful. They are not giving you any respect, ignoring your views, being totally unsympathetic to the pain you were in during pregnancy.

I don't think they would listen to your opinion as they sound extremely self centred. Would your husband speak to them and set out the ground-rules of acceptable behaviour?

You have given them opportunities to see your baby and they moaned (walk in the park). Unless they agree to abide by your rules, keep away from them.

You definitely need to be standing up to them more. They sound very, "me me me."

Congratulations on the birth of your DS and I'm sure you must be thrilled that he is out of intensive care and home with you both. I wouldn't be allowing your in-laws to take him anywhere, tbh, at 7 weeks old I don't think that is unreasonable for anyone. I know that no-one took my DC's anywhere without me until they were a lot older than that. I would also be having words about what they are saying about me, but only if you are up to that - don't cry! if you think you are likely to get upset then get your dp to do the talking, but I would try to there when he did, at least then you know what is said. If it makes you feel any better i think it's an "in-law" thing!

yes nannyogg i have, this is my only outlet on here so i try not to show dp how i feel as i dont think its fair on him for me to be constantly moaning about them to him, but its got to the point where i want nothing to do with them.

i dont know what to say, maybe stop slagging me off for a start, stop making everything about you, ask me how i am once in a while, dont come into my house and ignore me, im not good with confrontation it always comes out worse than i mean it to, but with these 2 im just so sick of the way theyve behaved. this is meant to be a nice time for me and instead im dealing with 2 drama queens who'd rather go the pub than come and see their grandson even though theyd have everyone believe there up for some grandparent award.

i havent told dp this but sometimes i think about leaving him so id have nothing to do with these people again, thats really how bad its got now.

Firstly congratulations OP. How horrible you have to be dealing with this sort of thing at the moment.

I'm sure lots of lovely people will be here soon to tell you how to say it but basically your DS is your concern now. They need to back off and respect you.

I think you need to sit down and calmly tell your DH how their behaviour is upsetting you. Maybe show him this thread if you can't think how to say it? You need to either get this sorted or distance them.

I agree, they sound absolutely awful.

My question would be: what do you hope to gain from confronting them? The problem is that most people don't react well to confrontation, and they tend to go on the defensive. (I realise that you were probably using it as a figure of speech and meant more along the lines of "bring it up with them" or "address these issues with them".) They sound so clueless that I would really imagine that any discussion of these issues, no matter how tactfully worded, would get turned into "Galaxy attacked us and told us that we were horrible grandparents and bad people wahhhh wahhh wahhh."

So I guess my point is that you and your partner would need to be prepared for the possibility that they could end up storming off in a huff and doing the wounded majesty bit for a while. Then again that could be just the break you need from them

They have already seen your son much more than my (lovely) in-laws got to see mine in the first few months! I have no idea what on earth they are complaining about. It's not about them FFS.

Try not to moan at you DH about his parents, it's not like he got to pick them, BUT, and it's a big one, I think you and he need to sit down so you can tell him how they make you feel and work out together how you will set boundaries for them that HE needs to enforce.

As for you MIL slagging you off there is nothing you can really do to stop that so you might have to let that one go.

I hope your DH gives you the support you need so you can get back to your special time time with your new family.

Congratulations on your baby.

Apart from the drinking I could have wrote your post myself.

I put up with it for a year until it all came to a head when DP's aunt decided to tell me what she thought of what I was putting her 'poor sister' through, you are doing the right thing nipping it in the bud now, it made me I'll the way they treated me, don't let them spoil your time.

I ended up look, we don't get on, we never get on, you will see DS when DP brings him to to see you, or you are welcome here if I'm not. If I hear that you have been telling lies to anyone else I will have to stop you seeing my DS as I don't want him around someone who lies about his mother. I then cut contact. She sees DS plenty, I don't. Would that work for you?

I was in the distant past in more or less the same situation and eventually my OH told them a few home truths ,as a result they have not spoken to me for 14 years now although they still see OH weekly .Our life improved no end. They have never taken my dcs on days out and I don't think my dcs have missed out on anything as they have a great relationship with my family.

"Try not to moan at you DH about his parents"

TBH, I´m suprised he can´t see it himself.

They called OP lazy, got fed up when GS didn´t wake up whilst with them, went for a drink instead of visiting.

Problem that I can see is they get too many(?) second chances.

They chose not to visit yesterday (could have done both, surely)-so why do they get a visit today?

Why can´t it be left for a few days?

TBH, I doubt that they´d take any notice of anything anyone said.

I´d leave the organising to the husband & try not to see them without him.

I don't think you should view it as a confrontation
Look at it as a chat

you need them to understand how you feel
they don't understand
they need informing, otherwise this will just go on for ever

I think it's obvious to them, that you don't really get on with them, so why should they want to make the effort to see you. It works both ways

I would say you suggest drawing a line under everything so far
Start afresh
Laying down some ground rules

They are obviously desperate to see the baby, which is nice

Leaving DP isn't the answer unless there are other reasons that make you consider leaving. Maybe talking to DP and really laying it on the line to him about how unreasonable his parents are and just how badly they are making you feel and setting out parameters for contact with them might help. Then it will be up to him to imform them of this. You should not have to have them in your house or have to communicate with them if they cannot be civil to you. They need to be told this by your DP. I agree with others that you should not let them take your son out alone. They sound really toxic and unreliable. Get you DP to man up and support you and have nothing to do with his parents until they change their attitude completely.

diddl Mon 20-Aug-12 12:34:30
"Try not to moan at you DH about his parents"

TBH, I´m suprised he can´t see it himself.

diddl Me too! But as he doesn't seem to have been much use so far I guess he can't!

storminabuttercup Its weird you say that as ive had her sil tell me what she thinks im putting her through and how im making her miserable, this sil is now 1 of the people not talking to me - which i find very very childish for a grown educated women to do.

putting all this behind us is what id love to do more than anything but they are the type of people who everything has to be about them, they have another son and daughter yet dont bother with them hardly, maybe the odd phone call, yet they moan about them when they havent visited, bil works long hours and its an hours travel each way to visit them, so has the perfect excuse, and sil well she lives abroad so also has the perfect excuse, they only have my dp now close by and have taken to thinking we are all best friends and need to see each other constantly and when we dare say we have other plans, the s&&t hits the fan with them accusing us of ignoring them. id be happy to never see them again and only let dp take ds around to visit which he did the first few weeks (i got a break for few hours and didnt have to see them, they got to see ds, all happy, apart from dp who doesnt like the tension).

if it wasnt for dp not being happy and the fact i dont like being stuck in an arguement with them (there a large family and they have a few events coming up which i know ill have to go to, such as 2 weddings) id happily continue to let dp take ds around. id rather not deal with all this at all though.

thanksyou for agreeing with me that 7 weeks is too little to be left with them, they seem to think im being obsessive about him which is what gets to me. its this that i want to point out to them rather than confront them in an agressive way, just let them see it from my point of view i.e my family are happy to come and sit with us all, watch him while i have a shower do other things etc, yet when you come all you go on about is taking him out for the day... they may think its completely normal to do that i need to make them see its not. so would it be better coming from me or dp.... he has tried and he has admitted that its his mum who is the worse of the 2 which i agree with, fil can be lovely but will do antyhign for an easy life so goes along with her.

My 2 have never been out with GPs for the day-I don´t think that it´s compulsory.

I wouldn´t have trusted my ILs tbh, but as we lived away visits were to us as much as the children.

We also never went out with GPs without parents-some families do it, some don´t, I guess.

I´m not sure that I would have wanted mine away from me for a day at less than a year anyway tbh!
(If that)

I think if you don't try to set some boundaries soon...this is going to get much worse.
They will start expecting to take DS more and you may not like that to happen without you or DP being there...esp if they are drinking too...

Is this your 1st baby?....of course you would be protective anyway and you need lots of bonding time with your baby...your will still be working towards finding routine and getting familiar with becoming a mummy....your body is healing and it all takes time....you shouldn't have to be worrying about their pettyness...they should be supporting you and caring about what your needs are....more than what they might visualise

They shouldn't be telling you when they are coming and then letting you down....you should be able to invite when it is convenient and they should respect your privacy in that....

Don't wait for them coming round....make a quick call to them and say you're fancying a nice walk with the pram this afternoon....you will phone later in the week to see when they would like to come round instead....

Take back control this way...rather than have any chat about it...just do your own thing...don't answer the door....say you were having a sleep with the baby...tired, etc....didn't hear the door, phone switched off, etc so you and baby wouldn't be disturbed.....who cares whether they like it or even believe it....you will be in control of what is happening and take no nonsense....they will get the message eventually....

I do hope they get the message this way although i think it all goes in 1 ear and out the other, they turned up 1 day a few weeks ago< i was out and must have just missed them, they rang in the evening and i answered, they hardly said anything to me yet when dp got on the phone started asking him questions about where id been int he day, he told them the truth that id been out for a meal with ds and my nan, and they started asking why the blinds had been closed etc. theyre paranoid beyond words that there missing out on so much. the truth is its their behaviour thats making them miss out on things as i cant stand to be near them.

think i will just be nice to them and state my case once again and tell them to stop comparing themselves to their friends who take theire grandkids out all the time. i do think they expected me to give birth and hand him straight over to them.

They sound charming.

Would it be worth reminding MIL that she would have been exhausted and want some space following her first baby? or is she the type of person that would claim to have managed perfectly without any problems and to have visited all of the relatives the day after popping her DS out?

TBH I wouldn't hesitate to confront them, because they will most likely not stop being so inconsiderate until you lay down the law. But make sure that you don't turn it into a 'war' for your DP's affection- if they're having a bitch about you to him and you're having a bitch about them to him he'll just get (understandably) pissed off. Although why he isn't standing up for you more is a bit of a mystery.

MIL kept telling me all the way through my pregnancy how she would be having the baby 1 day a week, this has nit and will not happen.

she also kept saying how with her 1st(my dp) they didnt let him out of their sight for at least 3 months, this is the angle i intend to go with when i see them later, that i feel the same as she did, i also intend to ask her in the early years who she turned to for help cos i bet not once was it her own mil and instead her mum or 3 sisters, so why should it be any different for me to turn to my own mum who im naturally closer to anyway. i dont know whether its all out of jealously or they are really dim about what they expect of us. the more i write about them the more madder i become, i just want to let them know how theyre making me feel, at least then iv had my say!! after that they can do what the hell they want aslong as its nowhere near me

Have they been over yet? I'm waiting to see what you said to them.

I wouldn't bother trying to say anything - she is obviously too dumb to listen! Just lay down some ground rules and stick to them. And your partner needs to back you up too or if anyone is going to have a word let if be him - he needs to tell them that they will NOT be taking him anywhere without you and they need to start showing you some respect

Make a list of your rules and just repeat them robot fashion every time they talk...

Wheresmygalaxy, just what part does your DH play here? Does he notice his mother's behaviour? Does he acknowledge it as wrong? Does he pick her up on it?