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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to move dd because i think its best - even though she will hate me

30 replies

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 20/08/2012 09:50

I feel so torn!.
We moved to a new area abotu 2 years ago - it was a long distance move and we didnt knwo the new area. We ended up in a area which we dont like. The house is ok but the area around is very dogdy and I am not saying it from a snobbish point of view (hey im from the south wales vallies! ) but it is an area which I would be uncomfortable staying in and havign the kids grow up in.
When we looked at the area the schools directly around the house were ok but actually they didnt have places so the children ended up going to a shchool further away which is in a even worse place, they have alot of social problems and alot of problems with behaviour, results are bad etc etc.

Anyway I admit this is our fault we just didnt look into it enough we were stupid.
The thing is now we need a bigger house (we have 5 children we currently have 3 bedroom so we are wantign to move to a 4/5 bedroomed house).
A house has come up which is PERFECT for us, enough bedrooms, lovely quiet street and most of all lovley area close to what we need and to 3 lovely well thought of primary schools two of which according to the local authroity will almost certainly have places (although they wont confirm it until we apply).

The house near to the current school are just not big enough (and they are not nice) they are almost all small terraces which we just wouldnt be comfortable fitting 7 people in.

The problem is my 8 year old dd is practically breaking down over the thought of moving, she screaming crying begging not to move schools. She has one or two friends at the school but she has struggled socially there (sge was bullied anout her accent at first since we moved from the south to the north she stood out).However she already worries about everything and has suffered anxiety attacks in the last few months (not about moving we hadnt discussed it before now) and her crying makes me feel as though my heart is just ripping in two.

we will have to move at some point, we need an extra bedroom plus we only rent the house so its not as thpough we can just stay for years we probably cant but god im so torn.

However, at the moment i feel like i want her out of this area and into a better school plus a house that fits us better and that as the parents we make the choice we think is best. AIBU because it feels so hard hearted when she crying and hyperventilating everytime its even mentioned.

OP posts:

DozyDuck · 20/08/2012 09:54

I was moved a lot as a child. From south to north as well. I hated it. I can't really advise you other than to let you know my particular experience might be other posters who got over it quickly though.

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2012 09:56

Hard as it is you cannot let your DD dictate what happens with your family.

Can you take her to visit the area, find lots of things she might enjoy - dance lessons, sport, something like that?
Visit the schools (on your own first to make sure you like them, discuss how she feels with the HT) then take her for a good look around your chosen one. A good school would give her a 'taster' in her potential class.
Keep pointing out the positive, give lots of reassurance, but do what you feel is best for your family.

But be very sure you are getting this house before you unsettle her any further.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 20/08/2012 09:56

Without wishing to sound harsh she's just gonna have to suck it up :( one day she will thank you!! Exam results and job prospects are not gonna register or matter to her at 8 but a bad school can hold you back forever. There is bound to be someone who comes along and gives u the " I went to a shit school I did well" speech but it's falls to parents to back up and support the schooling and if your hearts not in it....... Basically my dd was offered a place at the worst school in town and I turned it down cos I could never be happy or give 100% support when inside I'd be crying :(

If it feels right to you move her she can keep in touch eith friends and she will make new ones and when she has her own kids she will finally understand y u did it x :)

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 20/08/2012 09:57

YANBU, off you go. Since when does one 8yo's irrational preference trump positive benefits for 6 other people? Once it's done she will sulk for a couple of weeks and then be fine.

HKat · 20/08/2012 09:59

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's hard on your DD but you are thinking of her future and that of the rest of your family - and as you said, you need to move at some point anyway. My DD is only tiny so I haven't experienced this - though I do remember being 8 and feeling like my world would collapse in a similar situation - but getting over it pretty quickly once the deed was done...

N0tinmylife · 20/08/2012 10:01

I also moved a lot as a child, it is always hard settling in at a new school, but from what you have said the long term benefits will be well worth it. Your DD is understandably scared of the unknown, but you can't let that dictate what you do, and she may well find she fits in better at the new school!

PacificDogwood · 20/08/2012 10:01

YANBU.
Your DD will be fine in the long run, even if she might find it hard to start off with.
Be clear in what your plans are, don't ask her 'permission' or agreement, but sympathise with how awful/distressing/unfair this all is for her now.

FWIW, we moved 3 times during my primary school years, I did not like it, but with hindsight love the area I grew up in from the age of 8. My parents are still in the same house now (I am 46 ).

Good luck; it's horrid to be going this, but will be worth it in the long run by the sounds of it.

lavenderbongo · 20/08/2012 10:01

I went o six different schools and cried and sulked abut every single move - but I survived and in some ways it did me some good. I am very adaptable I think this sounds like a good move for your dd even though she will hate it now, she will understand in the future. I did.

FallenCaryatid · 20/08/2012 10:02

I think you should move.
Consider that her reaction could bee because the last time you moved it went very badly for her in particular, and being only 8 all she can see is the same shit happening again. Go for it, and try and ensure that in the first 6 months of the move, she has as many positive experiences as possible.

Original poster

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 20/08/2012 10:02

thanks - deep down i know you are right, it IS a better place for her and for all of us. I just hate them being upset especially if i feel like the cause!

OP posts:

DozyDuck · 20/08/2012 10:04

I'd say try to ensure this is the area you definitely want to stay in for a while though.

FallenCaryatid · 20/08/2012 10:04

Parenting often requires broad shoulders and an ability to take flak from one's own children if it is for their good.

squeakytoy · 20/08/2012 10:05

As others have said, she is 8, and you are the adults and people responsible for her needs. The decision is yours to make, not hers to dictate.

everlong · 20/08/2012 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reddaisy · 20/08/2012 10:06

I came on to say YABU as I was moved as a child and hated it and I feel it changed who I was as a person but I was very happy at my old and excellent school and we moved to a rubbish school so your move is at least in her best interests my DM admits now that our move was all about what was best for her and her husband.

But under the circumstances I think YANBU but help her to settle in as much as you can by inviting new friends over etc, I was not really allowed friends over once we moved which made it difficult to form friendships. Good luck.

IvanaNap · 20/08/2012 10:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

BillComptonstrousers · 20/08/2012 10:08

I'm in the same situation,husband has a new job in London, so will need to move within the next 6-12 months. We are in the north east at the minute, and I know my 12yo and 8yo (who worries about everything) are just going to flip out. I cold cry just thinking about telling them :-(

noblegiraffe · 20/08/2012 10:09

She will get over it, a bigger house will benefit the family for years longer than her distress will last.

Original poster

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 20/08/2012 10:09

everlong - the area now is bad. Without giving too many details away it was recently on a tv programme talking about it being one of the worst places in the area, with a high number of families with social services involvment, teen pregnancies, drug use etc. Its not just little things. The street they showed on the tv programme was the next street over from the school.

OP posts:

Original poster

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 20/08/2012 10:11

Ivana - she has been to see the house she loved the house (she wants her own room) until she realised that it was too far from her current school.She HATES change of any sort - seriously everytime i change her bedsheets she moans they arent as nice. Its just how she is the other children just dont care in fact they seem excited about the idea but she struggles.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2012 10:12

And also, if there are two schools to choose from, don't go by OFSTED and results, go by atmosphere, HT attitude, how the children and staff are in class.

Unless the results are dire, the above is far more important for children like your DD imo.

senua · 20/08/2012 10:13

I admit this is our fault we just didnt look into it enough we were stupid ... A house has come up which is PERFECT for us, enough bedrooms, lovely quiet street and most of all lovely area close to what we need and to 3 lovely well thought of primary schools

Are you being forward-thinking enough? Look at Secondary schools, not Primaries.
I agree that one child's wishes should not be seen as more important than the whole family.

mumeeee · 20/08/2012 10:15

YANBU as others have said take her to visit the house and find some things she might like to do in that area. I'm another one who moved a lot as a child and it's hard settling into a new school but at 8 she will get over it.

MigratingCoconuts · 20/08/2012 10:19

I would move too.

as a teacher, I would also make a point of raising this as an issue with the new school. look for a school that has all you want academically but also cares for its pupils particularly well. Also, really inoffensive your dd in choosing the school. Take round with you and make sure she knows you are taking her opinion into account. This will help her feel a tiny bit more in control.

Ask that, when she starts, they set up a buddy for her and that they take particular care of her as she settles in. Any school worth their salt will do this for you (smile).

if what the authority tells you is true, and you will have choices of schools, then you have a great chance of picking rightly.

Havering · 20/08/2012 10:20

You know you have to do it but I absolutely sympathize with you.. Last year we moved and my DS hates change and really struggled - it has taken a good 12 months to get on track. So I say move but work out a plan to help her - go see the new school, meet teachers (and out of her ear shot explain the situation and previous bullying), find groups for her to join, work out how to do drop off and pick ups especially in the first few weeks (as much for her as for you to meet other parents) and really put yourself out to do play dates with new friends, keep in touch with her 2 old friends etc.
Of course she shouldn't dictate family life but you can do a lot to make the move easier.

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