to move dd because i think its best - even though she will hate me

[5dcsinneedofacleaner]

I feel so torn!.
We moved to a new area abotu 2 years ago - it was a long distance move and we didnt knwo the new area. We ended up in a area which we dont like. The house is ok but the area around is very dogdy and I am not saying it from a snobbish point of view (hey im from the south wales vallies! ) but it is an area which I would be uncomfortable staying in and havign the kids grow up in.
When we looked at the area the schools directly around the house were ok but actually they didnt have places so the children ended up going to a shchool further away which is in a even worse place, they have alot of social problems and alot of problems with behaviour, results are bad etc etc.

Anyway I admit this is our fault we just didnt look into it enough we were stupid.
The thing is now we need a bigger house (we have 5 children we currently have 3 bedroom so we are wantign to move to a 4/5 bedroomed house).
A house has come up which is PERFECT for us, enough bedrooms, lovely quiet street and most of all lovley area close to what we need and to 3 lovely well thought of primary schools two of which according to the local authroity will almost certainly have places (although they wont confirm it until we apply).

The house near to the current school are just not big enough (and they are not nice) they are almost all small terraces which we just wouldnt be comfortable fitting 7 people in.

The problem is my 8 year old dd is practically breaking down over the thought of moving, she screaming crying begging not to move schools. She has one or two friends at the school but she has struggled socially there (sge was bullied anout her accent at first since we moved from the south to the north she stood out).However she already worries about everything and has suffered anxiety attacks in the last few months (not about moving we hadnt discussed it before now) and her crying makes me feel as though my heart is just ripping in two.

we will have to move at some point, we need an extra bedroom plus we only rent the house so its not as thpough we can just stay for years we probably cant but god im so torn.

However, at the moment i feel like i want her out of this area and into a better school plus a house that fits us better and that as the parents we make the choice we think is best. AIBU because it feels so hard hearted when she crying and hyperventilating everytime its even mentioned.

My DS moved schools last year for the same reasons as yourself.

It has beer rally hard. DS had a lot of personal issues and school was his safe place.

He really changed at first, he became quiet and withdrawn and I'll admit I really regretted it.

However, we are eight months on now, and he is about to move into a new year. He had his first birthday party (the other school people didn't DO birthday parties). And he has a very solid set of friends who all bounce off each other. He has endless invites to all sorts of things. He is now his normal self and the move was for the better. But expect a rough patch for the first few months. Lots of reassurance at home, but unfortunately there's not much more you can do. Do go ahead with the move though.

*it has been really hard - not sure where the beer came from!

Can you move her for the start of yr 3 in September, and drive the journey needed temporarily until you sort the house?

School first, house second.

I moved our daughter from a not so good school on the not so good side of town, again, a cock up really! Then, moved her start of yr 2, last year, to a great school in a great area, across town. Yes, she has to deal with it, and bless her, she did! She was amazing.

We drove past the school, a lot, saying how pretty it was, how it had a huge park behind it and well go there everyday, and they have hot school dinners, infants and juniors mixed so our daughter would see her younger siblings (unlike the old school) All those little things, really worked for our daughter and she so so excited. The first day was unforgettable, as in the guilt we suffered.... But, we knew within a day or two, we had done the right thing for us as a family, 3 kids, and we had done the right thing for our oldest daughter.

To help her settle, in the first few weeks we had loads of play dates at our place with cousins and old friend's kids, just to make sure she felt secure that she had good friends. Then, we began to have play dates with her new friends.. We even had a huge halloween party for all the girls in her class.

Then, although planning on renting, the perfect house came on the market 0.3 miles from the school. So, it all fell into place, bish bosh!

A year on, we're living the dream.

Go for it. Just pave the way.... And, bribe away. Do it!

YANBU. You have lots of reasons to move, all of them valid. And your daughter will adjust.

I moved from the South to North aged 8 and I pity my poor parents remembering how I acted. My best friend and I had a huge weepy waily goodbye (about 5 times because we kept guilting our parents into 'one last meeting'), my Mum let me have 3 different goodbye teaparties with different sets of friends and whenever she cam upstairs to hear my prayers I night I would say, very loudly, 'Please God, don't let us have to leave this house and my school and my friends. Nothing will be the same ever again.'

When we arrived at the new house I spent the entire first evening crying and sobbing 'I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home.' My Dad sat with me while my Mum cried on my Gran in the kitchen.

The not so hidden secret - there was an awful lot of brattish melodrama in that! Yes, I didn't want to go. But I settled into my new school within half an hour and got involved in new activities etc.

And now I can appreciate that, although we had to move for my Dad's job, it was into a much nicer area.

I had a similar experience to reddaisy.

I was moved interstate in Aus when I was 16 years old so about 1000 miles away or 20 hrs driving time.

My father just decided he wanted to be somewhere different and basically didn't give a stuff how the rest of the family felt about it. I resented my mother for not standing up to him at the time but later found out that DF said he was going to move with or without us and she didn't want to separate so decided to go with him.

I was thoroughly miserable at this time. It is only as an adult that I am able to look back and see that I was actually quite depressed.

That's not to say that some moves aren't actually quite positive ones for children. Although some trepidation and anxiety are normal imo.

What would have helped in my situation would have been -

1] acknowledgment of how I felt and how difficult the move was for me, leaving behind all my friends and moving so far away. They were actually quite mocking of my feelings. DF felt that he had compromised for the family long enough and was now doing something for himself whereas DM was feeling her own grief and anxiety and was resentful of my teenage outpourings, feeling that she had it hard enough already.

2] my parents having allowed me to phone my friends regularly [it was more expensive as not local calls and so my parents frowned on me calling them at all] and also enabled visits from them or for me to visit them ever so often.

3] my parents having consulted me on the house they bought and the school we moved to. I was also moved to a not very good secondary school and it was incredibly difficult moving in my final two years, definitely affected my final grades.

Anyway OP, I think what I am saying to you is that you seem to be looking at this move as a positive step forward for all the family and that it will be to your daughter's benefit to be in a good school in a pleasant street.

Her feeling anxious and emotional is entirely reasonable, particularly if she has previous experience of being bullied. She may be quite terrified that it will happen again . I was also bullied at my new school and so understand how worried she may be. I think the best thing you could do for her is lots of listening and gentle reassurance. Can she go have a look at the school you are proposing? Can she make contact with any of the pupils who go there prior to starting attendance, ie is there an after school club she could attend or something like that where she can get to know some of her fellow students?

And lastly, would it be possible for you to ensure that she keeps up contact with her best friend/s from her previous school? She will need your assistance with this, perhaps by allowing phone contact or arranging sleepovers, etc.

But good luck OP. You sound like a lovely caring Mum who very much has her daughter's best interests at heart!