Its a long way of I know but the subject has come up for Christmas and our plans

[inthepoo]

with dp's family ,problem is every year I cringe as when all the children get together they fight and cry,and sil and I dont get on she, is very competitive and I feel I can not relax and its a headache from start to finish.

I know I should do the right thing and attend but they are all waiting for my answer now,plus it would be my dp that would cook for everyone so I would be left to deal with the aftermath when it all goes hectic.

The danger of doing the same thing every year is that people come to expect it.

When the dc were young and I was with my ex we spent Christmas Day at home, sometimes we'd pop down to his parents on an afternoon, sometimes it would be Boxing Day. My mum would usually come down either Boxing Day or the day after, she would spend Christmas Day with my stepfather (they weren't married at the time), she was also a great believer that children should spend the day at home with their presents, nothing was set in stone.

After my ex and I split for the first couple of years he'd come down and see the kids on Christmas Day. Once he'd got himself sorted we used to split the day.

We've already had the dreaded Christmas discussion here too. DP spends every Christmas dashing around in the car and spending time with his family and I usually go to my Mum's and try to pretend to get along with her for the day (just the two of us).

This year he wanted me to spend the day with HIS family and my Mum says she's cancelling Christmas (no presents) so I've put my foot down and I'm staying at home on my own with the dogs and cat where I would much rather be and nobody is going to change my mind so there (stamps foot). Bah Humbug. Might treat myself to a Christmas dinner flavoured pot noodle on the day.

You're not doing pigs in blankets?!

I too was a bit at that it is the law its the tasties thing on dinner (sorry mum )

I don't do Christmas dinner at all

I don't do Christmas dinner at all

What !!

I'm already dreading it tbh. Our ES died in july and I am terrified that my mother is going to ruin another christmas day by being drunk and difficult all day and we will be expected to take whatever shit she throws at us because she's grieving.

She has ruined every christmas day for the last 9 years by getting drunk and abusing either our YS or me. This year my OH has already said that we are spending the day just the 3 of us, we will deal with the fallout from it after christmas.

How sad is that? we are already worried about christmas on top of loosing James?

I don't know what to suggest as I know it's always easier said than done, but my stomach is turning now as we will have to be having this conversation soon.

I am only child (as is DD) with no family locally apart from my old who feel they should take priority (at least my mum does). DH is middle of 3 boys and the only one local - MIL is very matriarchal to say the least. Younger BIL does his own thing with his family, but as far as MIL is concerned older BIL is god so has to be factored into everything to the nth degree.

My relationship with MIL is very up and down, DH doesn't like my olds and the mums tend to clash, but we have to keep everyone happy by ensuring we spend an equal amount of time on the right days (i.e they must be Christmas, Boxing, New Year - not just any random date in the 2 weeks hols - or they have to fit in with older BIL visiting) with them all.

And just to make it even easier this year DH has gone and got himself and DD season tickets and is dropping mega hints about wanting them to go to the match on Boxing Day .

I end up ill with stress every single year - quite honestly I wish I could take DD and my dad to a little cottage somewhere on my own and tell the rest of them to fuck right off.

Sorry to hijack and rant - you really have my sympathies. If anyone on here comes up with a magic way of dealing with all this crap please do let me know!

mumof2 - that's really awful, you poor thing.

Puts my moaning into perspective.

I'm so sorry, mumof2.

You have to nurture yourself and your son and your husband this year and stay away from your mum.

Does your mum realise what she's like? Can you tell her beforehand how she's spoiled all those Christmases?

Or you could do what we are doing and emigrate no problems on where, who, what on Christmas Day...

MNHubbie - that's part of my secret arsenal for the years that things get me down. Cos I know we WILL up and go one of these years

Say you want a small family Christmas in your own home this year. Do what is best for your own family, that you will all enjoy and have a lovely time. See the rellies on other days when they aren't so fraught, there is something about 25th Dec that changes peoples personalities because expectations are so high for it to be the best time ever, and are then upset when actually it isn't. If you don't get on with rellies ordinarily, difficulties are magnified tenfold on Christmas Day.

You will have given them all enough time to make alternative plans/take cookery lessons! I think DP deserves a rest from cooking for so many each year, and you deserve a rest from all the tension.

mumof2, I think it is entirely right that you should spend Christmas away from your mum in view of your bereavement. I am so sorry. You shouldn't have to put up with that sort of drunken behaviour at any time, let alone this Christmas. Do whatever you need, to help you and your family cope.

Biddy, there's an age limit for some countries, so get a move on!