Its a long way of I know but the subject has come up for Christmas and our plans

[inthepoo]

with dp's family ,problem is every year I cringe as when all the children get together they fight and cry,and sil and I dont get on she, is very competitive and I feel I can not relax and its a headache from start to finish.

I know I should do the right thing and attend but they are all waiting for my answer now,plus it would be my dp that would cook for everyone so I would be left to deal with the aftermath when it all goes hectic.

So what are you asking?

I would give it a miss personally, cba with all that a christmas. Its meant to be a time for fun and family.

Fuck 'um.

Im guess im asking can I bale out and explain why.

We had the Christmas angsty conversation this morning too! I'm pushing the stay home and come to us if you want plan.

Just say you want a small family christmas

A lot of people will tell to just say no. I won't because I think that if family do Christmas together traditionally it's very hard, and quite mean, to stop going.

But....

.... You can make it better. We have been tweaking how we do Christmas as a family to adjust for changing circumstances. So, perhaps you agree that each group does part of the meal so you and dp are only doing turkey or whatever. Also, insist that clearing up is shared. Or suggest you do it at someone elses's house this year.

In other words, do it but try make things more workable for you.

No need to explain - just say you're going to do your own thing this year. Always good to break traditions!! I'm hoping to do it this year by getting my sis to visit us instead of us going to hers!

Where is it? your house (I ask if your DP is cooking).

Don't invite them!
Say you're going to your family

JUst say you are having christmas in your own house or do you have your own parents you can see, sounds stressful and christmas is supposed to be fun ,

No mil house.

I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't care if they didn't like it, I'd say I was having Christmas with my family at home this year and would see them at another time.

One thing you can do - ask your DH where he spent Christmas when he was a child - did he go to his grandparents'?

We've long ago decided that we have Christmas at home. We invite our adult DS1 and DD and their families, but DS1 lives a few hours away and generally they come visit us prior to Christmas (which is fine, we wouldn't want to drive a few hours on Christmas!!). DD and her family live very close, but they're just starting to carve out their own Christmas traditions as well, so generally pop over for a bit in the afternoon instead.

We invite MIL who lives locally as well, and sometimes she comes to ours, sometimes she goes to SILs. We're fine with either arrangement, her choice obviously. If she goes to SILs, then we make sure to spend some time with her on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Everyone seems happy with this. I would rather enjoy Christmas at home.

Imperial he used to spend with grandparents they passed away some time ago.

How far away to you live from your ILs ? if it isnt far you could always pop round for a while in the morning or after dinner go round boxing , there is loads of solutions,

Ever since we had children we stay at home for christmas. I cant be doing traipsing around with children who just want to be at home playing with their new gifts and loads of drunken rellies arguing over the telly!

We lock the door and stay home - and we dont invite anyone here either :)

You ask if you should do the right thing as if the right thing is to automatically spend the day with your in laws. It isn't.

Ask yourself what you think your children will enjoy the most. Will it be staying at home with their parents or will it be seeing their grandparents and cousins?

The right thing to do is make the plan that your little family will enjoy the most. You can always see the inlaws on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Just bail, no explanation. In my book, its fine to be you and DCs/Dh at christmas. We do that most years anyway.

I go to my mums but we dont have a huge family my teens are her only grandchildren, but we walk have dinner some wine then come home, we did invite them here but she likes her own house and tbh she is a better cook than i am when Mil was alive we used to do it year about and have Mil here 1 of the years as she lived alone,

We spend some with parents and ILs (they only live 15 miles apart - we're 160 miles away from them), and some ourselves here at home. The way we think about it, Christmas is about family, and children. I know that my parents have done a few Christmases travelling (they grew up where we live now), but gave it up long before all their kids arrived (I think I was about 5 - I'm the eldest).

Just say that you want to spend Christmas Day at home yourselves, letting the kids enjoy their toys and relaxing. They are all more than welcome to come at X time for a mince pie (if that suits YOU), or else have another alternative option for them to come to you, or you all to get together, that you can throw into the conversation and put the ball back into their court that way.

You're not doing pigs in blankets?!

It's not remotely "mean" to not want to haul your entire family out on Christmas Day so that your DP can cook for the whole family. Just say that this year, you want a quiet day at home with your DCs. Be calm but firm, remember the "no, that won't work for us" to anything else they say, and stand firm. Ignore any tantrums or pressure and just repeat as necessary "we're going to have a quiet family day this year".

DP and I decided long ago that Christmas was for easy going enjoyment, not martyrdom. So as the dc and dsc have grown up, new traditions have evolved.

I think you have a choice, OP. You either view Christmas as just one day and go along with the current arrangements or you make your own new traditions. It's not unreasonable to want to spend Christmas Day at home or at least make a shorter visit to your ILSs. Or you stay at home all day and visit them on, say, Boxing Day. However, only you know how much grief this might cause and whether it is worth enduring it.

We used to go to everyone else's house for Christmas but it didn't work once we had the kids. I decided that if people wanted to see us then they could come here and that's how it's been ever since. My borother decided that once he had his family that they would stay at home on their own at Christmas and that's what works for them. Traditions are great, but they should improve things not make you miserable. Put your foot down and just say that you would like to have Christmas lunch at home on your own nd maybe meet up somewhere later in the day. Good luck

don't get me started on this one....

It has become 'tradition' for everyone to come to ours on Christmas Day. Lovely but very stressful. I have a combination of vegetarian, gluten-free, fat-free, low salt people to cater for, plus those for whom Christmas Day isn't complete without pigs in blankets, roast duck (WTF..?), etc. I have one lot of relatives very happy that we don't cook with salt and another lot who tut and grumble and spend 10 minutes smothering everything in salt "because the food doesn't taste of anything without it". One year my Mum didn't speak to me for most of the day because I hadn't done a Christmas pudding - I'd done trifle, mince pies, and chocolate pud but Christmas was apparently ruined... .

Aaaarrrggghhh.... Is it wrong that I'm hoping my gall bladder op might be on/around Christmas so that this year we'll have to have a very small sod off everyone Christmas..?