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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope MNers will help...

28 replies

RainbowRabbit33 · 19/08/2012 19:35

... Even if I have posted this on the wrong forum? I checked Childbirth and a couple of others, but they didn't seem right. I'd be really grateful for some ideas/advice.

My best friend has just had twins, both really healthy and happy and doing well . Mummy however isn't doing so well. Botched eCS, followed by another major surgery and all sorts of ongoing health problems. She's got some help coming in, but obviously I want to do all I can to support her. I've said that I'm on stand-by, but won't interfere unless she asks (which she has promised to do if she needs anything).

DH and I have talked about the obvious things (washing, shopping, feeding the cats, delivering wine), but can you think of anything that a non-Mum like me would overlook? She's a bit overwhelmed with emotion at the moment, it's been a hell of a month for her. I wondered about a good book or some dvd's as she can't move much. Due to her medical condition, she doesn't much feel like eating, so I don't think chocolate cake is the answer for once .

I'm really grateful for anything you can suggest, I feel so desperately bad for her, but don't want to intrude until asked, so would like something light touch. She's so important to me, and I want to do the right thing, but am a bit all at sea as still ttc.

Apologies again for misusing the AIBU thread!

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 19/08/2012 19:38

Take lots of photos of her twins for her - she may not be able to and will regret not having them when she's better

HoratiaWinwood · 19/08/2012 19:40

Not chocolate cake: real food. Fruit basket, or a big fruit salad, or a casserole, or a lasagne, or a pie... Something you have made that is tasty and non-institutional that she can either just eat (with one hand) or quickly heat through and then eat with one hand. Or go round and make her tea. "Which night would you like me to make your tea?" then hold one or more babies while she scoffs it, then wash up and bugger off home.

TheWonderfulFanny · 19/08/2012 19:51

Aren't you nice :-) all of the above, and maybe remember to do the same when her DH is back to work and she's getting the hang of two on her own?

Icelollycraving · 19/08/2012 19:52

She is v lucky to have such a good friend.
Make sure she has stuff that is comfy to wear. I had an infection in my c sec & it was hell. Comfy clothes & fresh bed linen made me feel more comfortable.
Pics of the babies,prepping dinner,ironing & vacuuming all really helpful.

cocoachannel · 19/08/2012 19:53

Completely agree with food. When DD was born, and DH back to work, my MIL brought round one pot meals a couple of time a week. Just being able to pop a well balanced meal in the oven was fantastic and a great help to DH and me, and we were only selling with one newborn!

StateofConfusion · 19/08/2012 19:56

Can you take washing for her? The washing with one new babie shocked me, so two must be astounding!

Nice lavender bubble bath, the simple ones great, I swore by it after my csecs, the smells lovely and calming too.

Some magazines, they're easier to dip in and out of.

Netflix subscription instead of dvds?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 19/08/2012 20:00

Offer to go round and watch the babies between two feeds so she can nap.

Ns13 · 19/08/2012 20:00

Offer (although she may well say no) to take the twins for a walk round the block so she can have 30 minutes of time for herself for a bath, read a magazine whatever.

ViviPru · 19/08/2012 20:05

YY to meals. When my BF's DW had EMCS, DP and I got cooking and filled their freezer with homemade lasagne, fish pies, casseroles etc etc. About 2-3 weeks worth of food all boxed up into meal-size portions. It was a way of giving them direct help without getting under their feet. They said it was a godsend and still refer back to it today.

They're still handing us back random tupperware boxes over a year on

Softlysoftly · 19/08/2012 20:07

Be a pair of arms if she wants, is kill for another set of arms and I only have a newborn and toddler. The baby wakes if you put her down so another pair of arms just to hold them while she napped/bathed may be welcome. One that doesn't require talking to/feeding/cleaning up for.

Also if she has hellish night feeds you could offer to be the arms for a night too just bringing babies to be fed.

BellaOfTheBalls · 19/08/2012 20:15

You're an amazing friend

Food. A good, home cooked meal goes a long way. Think comfort food; lasagne, casserole, shepherds pie etc.

She'll need an extra pair of hands. Someone to hold the babies or take them for a walk while you send her upstairs for a shower or a power nap

DVDs/Box Sets. Something interesting but mindless that you can stick on at 3am on a night feed; Friends, Prison Break, Ghost Whisperer, Glee that sort of thing. When my DS1 was born a friend of mine gave me a box set of My So-Called Life. Amazing!

FartyMcTarty · 19/08/2012 20:17

Definitely food for the freezer and being their to watch the babies while she sleeps. Nothing more important than eating and sleeping!

FartyMcTarty · 19/08/2012 20:17

there

ViviPru · 19/08/2012 20:19

Oh yes and YY to you being an amazing friend. I've just spent the weekend with friends with 14 m/o twins. Fuck me. That's some haaaaaaaard work right there.

Blatherskite · 19/08/2012 20:19

No wine. If she's trying to breast feed, she won't necessarily want to be drinking it and even if she's not, with very little sleep and very little to eat, a hangover will just make her feel worse.

Take some washing away for her. Go round and change the bedding for her or run the hoover and a duster round so she doesn't feel so overwhelmed. Look after the babies between feeds so that she can have a shower or a nap - whichever she needs most and yes, definitely some food. Could you sort her out with a little lounge picnic one lunchtime? Lots of mini sandwiches and snacky bits that she can pick at if she doesn't have much of an appetite, maybe a couple of mini cakes for afterwards then either sit with her an chat) and change a couple of nappies!) or leave her to it depending on what she prefers. Good healthy dinners as suggested above would be good too. She might not feel like eating but going hungry won't help her heal.

Make sure she has nipple pads and maternity pads and all the other less glamorous bits you need after a birth and maybe find her some tea tree or lavender bath soak to help her feel more human and help the wounds heal too.

Oh, and point her in the direction of MN too

GodisaDj · 19/08/2012 20:23

Agree with everyone so far, especially food meals ready to dump in oven or microwave.

Also ironing. Everyone hates ironing - nip in, take it away, being it back = best friend in the world!

You could start an online shop for her, with basics etc, and just ask her to review and add on anything. If you're feeling generous, pay for it too!

Also, my MIL used to turn up about 9am, if I wasn't fast asleep with DD, she'd watch her and I'd go have a shower, put make up on etc. it was nice to have just 20 min to myself. MIL would then go again (normally with washing too, I have the best mil!)

Seriously, you are a lovely friend

GodisaDj · 19/08/2012 20:24

*bring not being...stupid iPhone

Gumby · 19/08/2012 20:24

I don't think she'll be up to wine

You could email an amazon voucher so she could order DVDs or books?

Who is looking after the twins? Could you send them ready meals etc

MummyWithMenaces · 19/08/2012 20:27

You are a lovely friend. I had twins and a c-section here's what peo

MummyWithMenaces · 19/08/2012 20:28

Sorry ^ doh! Here's what people did fir me that was fantastic:

Food, shop for it, put it away, c

TheCunnyFunt · 19/08/2012 20:29

Yep, food for the freezer is a good one, even if she doesn't feel like eating there and then, it's still there for if/when she does want it. Stuff like casserole/stews etc freeze really well. You can buy those plastic tubs like what you get from a chinese (and probably indian etc) takeaway fairly cheap, I imagine poundland would be a good place to look for those.

Not sure about an actual book though, perhaps a couple of talking books? Could be easier as she won't have to hold it!

There's a bubble bath/shower gel that my HV recommended called Badedas or something like that, it's supposed to help with healing and stuff.

Other than that, just make sure you're within grabbing distance of your phone at all times and make sure she knows that!

You sound like a lovely friend :)

lovebunny · 19/08/2012 20:32

when you go round, take food for her family. if a meal is there, ready, it makes life so much easier.

you do sound like a lovely friend.

MsNobodyAgain · 19/08/2012 20:34

Oh goodness, I've been there. I've been the twin mum.

I couldn't move or eat. (hysterectomy post birth). I just wanted soup. No heavy food. Company that didn't want me to talk all the time. Somebody to mind the children while I slept and do a bit of cleaning without declaring it iyswim.

ohforfoxsake · 19/08/2012 20:34

loads of good suggestions on here. I remember my friend coming round with a shepherds pie and an offer to change my bed. Stayed with me for ever and I've done the same since.

I'd suggest a newspaper or magazine rather than a book, as there is little opportunity to get stuck into something.

I liked it when people came round and held the babies so I could do normal things like put the washing on or wash the pots. Sometimes you just want to get things done.

But ask her what she needs and wants you to do. Give her a morning or afternoon, and say, right I'm here, what do you want doing? Take her out for a walk/coffee. Chat about you, not just the babies. Give her a whiff of her normal life.

I think you sound like a lovely friend.

MummyWithMenaces · 19/08/2012 20:49

Arrrrrghhh!

once again

Food - shop for it, put it away, cook it, serve it to her (not necessarily all at the same time!) A lovely American neighbour of ours said 'which night would you like dinner' and brought it all round. It was fantastic. Lack of appetite is a post operative side effect - no one mentioned this to me until I'd lost three stones in three weeks. She needs to eat (esp if she's feeding).

Laundry - it's a nightmare. I hadn't realised that two teeny, weeny babies made so much washing. BTW changing the beds is also helpful - she won't be able to do it.

Housework - even just kitchen and bathrooms.

Gardening - do they need their grass cut. Her DH won't have time.

Baby presents - I had loads and it was hard to find the time to sort through them. Can you sort them out and make her a list of who bought what. I had plastic boxes marked 0-3, 3-6, 6-9 months etc for clothes. If you could do something like that for her it helps make sure you actually get a chance to use them and not only discover a lovely newborn outfit just as they've out grown that size!

When I had my two I didn't want visitors to hold my babies (other than first thing in the morning to let me get a shower) I wanted visitors who turned up and rolled up their sleeves.

Oh btw suggestions that may help your friend:

If her DH is back at work get him to make her a flask of tea and put some sandwiches in the fridge before he leaves for work. It helps to be able to grab something quickly and not to have to think about it much.

Karen Kirk Gromada's book Mothering Mutiples is wonderful especially helpful if she's breastfeeding.

Also text messages are your friend. People always range just as I'd got at least one baby to sleep and woke them up.

Tell your friend, congratulations and best wishes. The first year is hard but having twins is wonderful.

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