Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To send DC to a childminder instead of GP's?

37 replies

Dogsmom · 19/08/2012 16:41

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and self employed, all along I had planned to return to work part time and send the baby to a childminder, I have several friends and customers who are CMs and so they aren't total strangers to me.

My parents however have asked if they could have the baby instead, it'll be 3-4 hours a day and they are very excited about it, obviously it'd be good financially but I'm worried it'll cause more problems than it's worth.

My dad is fine, very laid back and not at all confrontational but over the years I've had a fair few run ins with my Mom, she's a very strict, stubborn person and very difficult at times, I told them at 5.5 weeks about being pregnant and asked them not to tell anyone and since then she's constantly badgering me to let her tell people, I've explained why I want to wait for the scan but it's not sinking in, today she told me they've got old friends going round and said 'and I'm going to tell them about the baby'.
I know the friends wont tell anyone else as they don't live round here and don't know any of the same people and I wouldn't have minded if she'd said 'do you mind if I tell them as it wouldn't go further and I'm bursting to tell someone' but it's the way she informs me she's passing the news on when I've asked her so many times not to.

Anyway, this just feels like what I know will be the first of many disagreements about the baby, she's already calling it 'our baby' when she's talking about her & Dad taking it out. She's also commented on how she doesn't see why it needs to sleep in our room when it's born because 'it wasn't like that in her day' and said the other day that they 'like to go away in May but next year the baby will only be 2 months old and I'd be left all alone with it' (I have a lovely hubby and WANT to be on my own with it!)

I obviously want what's best for the baby and i think going to GP's could be better because of money/bonding/staying in the family/individual care but on the other hand I know there will be rows over our different opinions in how it's raised and so maybe a childminder would be the way to go and they can just have a normal GP's relationship with the baby.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 19/08/2012 16:43

Can you split the time? Some with GP's and some with a CM?

songbird33 · 19/08/2012 16:44

Yes I'd go for a split as well

skateboarder · 19/08/2012 16:44

Why dont you wait until baby has arrived and decide then?

purplewithred · 19/08/2012 16:45

Childminder. Definitely.

There is one culture - Innuit I think? - where there is a tradition of one of the couple's parents taking the first baby to live with them full time, straight out of the womb. Sounds like your mother would fit in perfectly there.

boredandrestless · 19/08/2012 16:48

I'd say no to a regular set time when she has the baby and go with paid professional childcare for while you are at work. Tell her this doesn't mean she won't be able to spend any time with the baby, that you would love her to play an active role.

What you need to avoid is being beholden to her, having her in a position of you relying on her, or her feeling she can dictate things.

If your mum was laid back and open to doing things your way I'd say go for it, but it sounds like it would feel like a constant long running battle for you to be respected as the parent of the baby and for your wishes to be taken into account.

boredandrestless · 19/08/2012 16:49

purplewithred - that sounds terrible! Can you imagine those poor first time mums. How do they cope?

BlinkersOn · 19/08/2012 16:51

Childminder but ask your Mum if she could help you out on other days for an hour or so or for evening babysitting. This way you can involve her and see how it goes. It would be lovely to have a backup for the childminder.

NervousAt20 · 19/08/2012 16:54

Id go with a child minder aswell. Sounds like its going to cause you no end of problems and sounds like your mum will constantly be over stepping boundaries and I think you will struggle to set any. I'd reassure her that she still will get quality time with your LOnwhen they arrive but you'll be using a CM for main care

changeforthebetter · 19/08/2012 16:55

I would go for childcare and explain to your Mum that you want her to have all the nice GP bits. That will hopefully keep her on good terms.

It might be worth seeing how things are after LO arrives though. Women often say their relationship with their mother changes (though mine had died years before DC so completely unqualified to comment)

APipkinOfPepper · 19/08/2012 16:56

My mum has my DC one day a week, the other days I work DC is in nursery. This works really well for us - mum gets some time with her grandchild, but also time for her own stuff.

However, I have a really good relationship with my mum, and if there were things she wanted to do that I wasn't keen on, she'd listen to me. If you think that your mum might go against your wishes (more than just the normal grandparent giving treats to grandchildren!) then I think it is a more difficult decision. Do you have to make a decision yet or can you wait till the baby arrives and see how your parents are, and then make the decision? Or book into childminders, but let them have the baby for ad hoc days occasionally while you're working?

mercibucket · 19/08/2012 17:09

Childminders and gp for treats/special days out etc

I think it's nice your mum is worrying about how you'll be if they go on holiday when the baby's tiny though. My mum was a massive support in the early days even though she could be a pita the rest of the time. Maybe she remembers the early days well, esp with a first, and is worried for you?

mercibucket · 19/08/2012 17:09

Childminders and gp for treats/special days out etc

charlottehere · 19/08/2012 17:11

Childminder all the way.

CleanHankie · 19/08/2012 17:17

CM. It would allow your parents to go on holiday without you scrambling around for childcare. Of course the CM will go on holiday but then hopefully your parents will be around to help out?

NellyBluth · 19/08/2012 17:22

CM, and stress its because you want your DC to have a special relationship with their GPs rather than a childcare arrangement. And talk about all the other things baby can do with GPs to try and lessen the blow.

But then personally I wouldn't use a friend who was a CM just in case there were any issues with the childcare - as in, I prefer a completely professional relationship where I think it will be easier to raise any issues.

WinkyWinkola · 19/08/2012 17:22

It doesn't bode well with your mother, tbh. It already sounds like she doesn't really care much about your preferences as to when to tell people.

CM all the way too and I really wouldn't enable your mother to think she's going to build her life around your child.

I mean, there's excited and then there's overbearing...

Viviennemary · 19/08/2012 17:27

I agree that some sort of compromise would be best. Say your DC went one day a week to your parents and the rest to a childminder. I think that would be enough and then they couldn't complain.

hermioneweasley · 19/08/2012 17:32

Childminder, don't use your parents for regular Childcare, just babysitting and emergencies. IMO it's not a problem if GPs so things differently when they see them intermittently, but if it becomes part of the routine and your mother doesn't respect your wishes, it's going to be a nightmare. Our parents were raised with very different advice, and even the most supportive parents are desperate to give them baby rice etc earlier than is now advised.

threeleftfeet · 19/08/2012 17:36

Assuming it'll be a while till you go back to work, I'd wait to make a decision until you know what the GPs have been like. If they've been supportive but not overbearing, then offer them maybe a day a week.

I would still send your DC to a CM as I think it'll be beneficial to your DC. A good CM will create an educational environment as well as simply do childcare, and the CM's will be a place where your DC will get a chance to meet and mingle with other DCs, which is very important IMO. This might not matter so much when they're little, but time passes quickly and better to set a precedent now IMO.

PacificDogwood · 19/08/2012 17:41

CM. Without a doubt.

Do your parents appreciate they cannot go away (on holiday) when they have your child?
Are they happy to have her when she's ill (if not too ill of course)?
Will they feel that you 'owe' them? - That would be my biggest fear tbh

My niece was to be minded one day a week by either set of GPs and it caused nothing but strife.
We have had a CM, now a nanny, for our 4 DSs with my parents helping out/taking them on holiday (they live abroad) which is lovely for all concerned, but does mean they are under no obligation to look after them.

Jelly15 · 19/08/2012 17:44

I would do a split. I am a childminder and I do have four weeks holiday a year and the GPs of the children I mind often step in at these times, so you don't want to risk offending them if you need help in the future.

noblegiraffe · 19/08/2012 17:46

You might change your mind when you see how much a childminder will cost! I only decided I wanted to go back to work part time when the baby was a good few months old (before then I assumed I'd be going back full time) so don't make any firm decisions before the baby actually gets here.

Kirsty240287 · 19/08/2012 17:46

Childminder! My sis used to leave my disabled nephew with my dad when she was at work and would say for example, I'm trying to get him from bottle to cup so can you just give him/encourage him to have the cup. My mother would come home from work, decide immediately had he hadn't drank enough and give him a bottle.

She's undermined me with my own DD aswell (DF is no longer with us) I spent weeks getting her to drink water instead of using milk as a drink and not food and was finally getting there, then she slept over my DM and I specifically said, she is to have water on it's own with nothing added, and low and behold when she came home, I smelt her cup and it had squash in it! There's no way my DD or this baby, once born will be going to my DM for me to return to work!

DontmindifIdo · 19/08/2012 17:57

Childminder - just not worth the stress. She'll be upset for a short while, but the alternative is you are upset pretty much every day and your DC doesn't get the sort of care you want. You can tell a CM what you want them to do, if they don't do it, you can move to a different one easily, you can't really do that with your mum.

darksecret · 19/08/2012 17:58

I'm with blinkerson. Have a child minder for while you're at work, especially if you have a peaceable nature and dislike confrontation. It's sweet for your DM to act like this with a newborn, but a toddler doing laps of the living room is different. Your DM may not realise she has got older.

I was in a comparable position with DD (now 11 months). DM was well-meaning but over-bearing and I was a 'good daughter'. At six months pregnant, I wrote her a letter saying I'd support her role as GP but she'd have to trust me to do it. Also, that I hoped they would enjoy their time as GPs rather than be run ragged. The letter was never mentioned and I think DM was quite unhappy for the remaining few months before DD's arrival.

When DD was born, she found that I was genuine about wanting her to have a real part in the baby's life. The joy of DD's presence overshadowed any hurtful aspects of the letter. There are always tricky moments but it's been a relief to have clarified the harder things from the start.

Flip

1 2