To send DC to a childminder instead of GP's?

[Dogsmom]

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and self employed, all along I had planned to return to work part time and send the baby to a childminder, I have several friends and customers who are CMs and so they aren't total strangers to me.

My parents however have asked if they could have the baby instead, it'll be 3-4 hours a day and they are very excited about it, obviously it'd be good financially but I'm worried it'll cause more problems than it's worth.

My dad is fine, very laid back and not at all confrontational but over the years I've had a fair few run ins with my Mom, she's a very strict, stubborn person and very difficult at times, I told them at 5.5 weeks about being pregnant and asked them not to tell anyone and since then she's constantly badgering me to let her tell people, I've explained why I want to wait for the scan but it's not sinking in, today she told me they've got old friends going round and said 'and I'm going to tell them about the baby'.
I know the friends wont tell anyone else as they don't live round here and don't know any of the same people and I wouldn't have minded if she'd said 'do you mind if I tell them as it wouldn't go further and I'm bursting to tell someone' but it's the way she informs me she's passing the news on when I've asked her so many times not to.

Anyway, this just feels like what I know will be the first of many disagreements about the baby, she's already calling it 'our baby' when she's talking about her & Dad taking it out. She's also commented on how she doesn't see why it needs to sleep in our room when it's born because 'it wasn't like that in her day' and said the other day that they 'like to go away in May but next year the baby will only be 2 months old and I'd be left all alone with it' (I have a lovely hubby and WANT to be on my own with it!)

I obviously want what's best for the baby and i think going to GP's could be better because of money/bonding/staying in the family/individual care but on the other hand I know there will be rows over our different opinions in how it's raised and so maybe a childminder would be the way to go and they can just have a normal GP's relationship with the baby.

Cm, and then let gps do the occasional babysit.
If gps are doing regular childcare, you will end up feeling you owe them, and it sounds like your mother will be very opinionated about how she wants to do things. Don't make a money based decision: this is your child, you don't cut corners with your most precious thing. A lot of people moan about childcare costs but IMO people should look on it as more important than your mortgage or other major outgoings. You want your child cared for by someone who respects your wishes. Hopefully your parents can then be loving gps (albeit having their own foibles!) which is what they should be.

Thanks for the comments, I'm pretty much certain that I'll use a CM, I do want my parents to have a great relationship with the baby and
I know my Mom's intentions come from a good place but I think it's best to leave the childminding to a professional and let the GP's do the normal visits and cover the CM's holidays if they want, I really don't want to hurt their feelings but I suppose it's best I get it all sorted now than have problems fester when the baby is here and it end in a row.

I see a lot of them already, at least twice a week and so it's not like they'll only see the baby once a fortnight.

I've had a quick google and it's cheaper than I thought, in my area they seem to charge £3.50-£4 an hour and I can raise my own prices to cover that.

I would split it there is a lot of people who end up moaning about grandparent not doing as they are told when watching children it causes a lot of tension ,

How long is your maternity leave?
If you take a year off you've got ages to decide if you are only ten weeks gone

CM and tell your mum, "I wouldn't want you to be battling with yourself when what we want for the baby is not what you did when you had yours." Make it seem like you are doing her a favour by not having her looking after your baby..

Your Op made me reflect on my reasons for having paid childcare from the start: it really boils down to being able to chose the childcarer, by paying them having a degree of control what you ask of them without feeling being hurt and a very clear arrangement about holidays/sick leave.

Also, consider that you may very will wish/need childcare outside the hours you officially work. You may be a bit flexible if you are self-employed, but even with that it became very quickly clear to me I needed about 5 hours more childcare provision per week than just my working hours. And I would have loved my children to have THAT time with any grandparent (not possible for us, but that's another story).

Also, if you have another year or so to go, and you don't have a child yet, just wait and see. Your feelings/thoughts on the subject may well change. I was hellbent on using a nursery for DS1 until he arrived and very quickly taught me that a panic merchant (he screamed the first year of his life...) would never cope with anything other than 1-on-1 care. And we had the same CM for 8 years and 4 DSs .

childminder while you're at work - keeps things professional, you can change if you want etc

and an extra session with grandparents so mum gets some time to just be a girl...go shopping, have coffee with a friend, get hair done etc.

Mine made noises about this kind of thing. When DS was 6 months we left him with the GPs for a weekend. By the time we got back my mum was exhausted - hadn't had time to shower, dress, that sort of thing. I think they forget how tough looking after children can be.

So when it came time to have the 'we're using a nursery but would love you to be the emergency back up carers' it all went down a lot more easily.

I'm another one saying CM. if, when the baby comes along, they turn out to be a total dream, then they could maybe do one day a week. I also think the holiday thing is worth discussing further - how would holidays work if they were your childcare sort of thing.

One other point to consider sorry to be a bit untactful but my mums in her 60s and after a day with just one of mine she's exhausted, she loves the idea of having my kids for a day whether its all 3 or just 1 but after she really regrets it as she's stressed and exhausted. So I only ever ask her on emergencies and when she wants to see the dc we usually go out, so when on neutral grounds we have more fun and are not concentrating so hard on dc.
So I agree with other posters and say child minder, just let your mum know your plans sooner and the reasons why and so she knows she is still important ask her to help with getting in some bits and pieces for the baby and advice about the first few months.

The inlaws wont mind at all, they don't live nearby and already have lots of grandkids and greatgrandkids, of course they love them all and are pleased for us but aren't really 'hands on' people.

With the holidays, that's another of the reasons why I think a CM is the way to go, my parents have a caravan and at the moment go away 5-6 times a year and always book last minute after checking the weather forecast, I did ask about that and they said that they'd just book a couple well in advance and are insistent they wont want to go away because of missing the baby.

Hubby has just got home and I mentioned it and he thinks a CM is the best option, purely because he wonders how my parents will cope (they're late 60's but still very active people) plus he thinks it'd be good for the baby to mix with other kids and not just be with adults.

Another one for CM....

Before I even got pregnant my dm 'told' me she was going to have dd while I went back to work PT......at first I thought it was great I had free childcare where I knew dd would be safe...BUT then when dd arrived my mum expected so much more than I thought was reasonable and was very controlling and interfering. I was undermined constantly, and complained at because I did things different to how she she would have. I was wrong for BF'ing, demand feeding, feeding in public, not wanting to leave my newborn or letting her sleepover, protecting dd from cigarette smoke, not wanting to leave the house for a few weeks after dd's birth....the list was endless.

In the end I gave up my career for the time been (the cost of childcare meant it isn't worth me working days) to work evenings and make sure I don't rely on my dm or be at her mercy. I felt that my dm would have done everything her way and not how I asked as she is very stubborn and thinks she is always right. W have endless arguments now never mind if she was doing me a favour and looking after dd for me.

So YANBU to think CM will be the best option. At least then you will feel that things can be done your way and then u don't have to have arguments about bringing up dc and then the time they have will be quality grandparent time.

However...my friend's mil has her dd for her 4 days a week and she does everything the way my friend asks and they have a get relationship and agree on how things are done...so it can work but only if dm would be willing to do things your way and your happy with the arrangement.

Congratulations on your pregnancy