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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to let my friend round till she teachs her 3yr old some manners?

65 replies

alwaysinthebackground · 18/08/2012 07:51

Had the afternoon from hell the otherday, my friend brought her son round to play, i know kids get excited when round other peoples houses but this was beyond that.

Soon as he got here he raided my cupboards looking for sweets, screamed when i said i dont have any,he found the boys easter egg stash ( i know ive still got easter eggs :s)proceeded to stamp and smash them, i did tell him off but my friend just laughed.

I did plan to do some painting/crafts with them but changed my mind when
He managed to pull a blind off my window, smash the glass in my door by slamming the backdoor, broke a toy and hit my 7month on the head.
My friend was not happy that i kept telling him off (just a stern voice, telling him its not ok to slam my door etc)
At this point i asked her leave as this was not acceptable behaviour in my eyes.
My boys are not angels but i can be confident that when i take them round peoples house they are not going to trash it.

My friend thinks ive overreacted? Aibu? What would you do?

OP posts:
futureunknown · 18/08/2012 08:33

YANBU I too would end the friendship.

EugenesAxe · 18/08/2012 08:33

YANBU. How was she not mortified? I hope she is exceptional or in the words of the Maitre d' in Ferris Bueller "I weep for the future".

EugenesAxe · 18/08/2012 08:36

FallenCaryatid Grin

LOL at '...like a wood or field.'

FallenCaryatid · 18/08/2012 08:36

If your child with additional needs is trashing someone's house, you don't stand and laugh.
If someone is telling them off, then you explain the reason behind the behaviour or you leave with your child.
SN is an explanation, not an excuse, or an abdication of any parental responsibility.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 18/08/2012 08:38

And hit your baby on the head! Surely even if she turns a blind eye to trashing possessions, she should draw the line at hitting someone. I'm horrified that she thinks this behaviour is ok, and feel sorry for the boy and for his future teachers.

FallenCaryatid · 18/08/2012 08:39

Not really LOL Eugene, my DS at 3 coped better in an open setting with space to get away from others when he needed to.

Original poster
alwaysinthebackground · 18/08/2012 08:39

Eugenesaxe - i know what you mean, if that me i think i would of been in tears, but she has the thickest skin, nothing phases her.

OP posts:
fivegomadindorset · 18/08/2012 08:40

Please tell me you are going to ask her to pay for the glass and fixing the blind? YADNBU.

MrsHelsBels74 · 18/08/2012 08:41

My son is 2.6 & I'd be mortified if he behaved like this. You definitely didn't overreact & I dread to think how this child is going to grow up if she thinks this is acceptable behaviour.

IceCubes · 18/08/2012 08:41

YAsoooNBU!!!! Poor kid, a lack of boundaries early on can affect a person for life. Your friend needs some parenting help from the sounds of it!

insancerre · 18/08/2012 08:43

YANBU
I have just started a new job at a pre-school in a day nursery and have several boys exactly like this. It is really shocking how badly behavd they can be. They just do not listen which I find really frustrating. Thankfully they will be leaving soon for school and will no longer be my problem. Grin
I am shocked that the previous staff members have allowed the children to become as bad as they are though. Children need boundaries- without them everyone suffers.

Original poster
alwaysinthebackground · 18/08/2012 08:50

I have asked for some money towards repairs, but she under the impression that as i rent i dont have to pay for repairs! (But thats a whole other thread on that lol)

Thanks again everyone for your replies/views about this

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 18/08/2012 08:53

I wouldn't have her in the house-I would just meet outdoors-somewhere like the park where they can run around and do their own thing. Or see her without the children. It depends on how much you like her and want to continue. Nice people can have blind spots regarding their own children.

YouOldSlag · 18/08/2012 08:55

I am shocked that the previous staff members have allowed the children to become as bad as they are though-

Whilst I sympathise, I think it's probably the parents! If they don't listen at home they're not going to listen away from it.

FannyFifer · 18/08/2012 08:56

I had a friend who has a nearly 3 year old exactly like this, he tells both his parents what to do and they do it. Hmm

He locked himself in my bathroom once and turned on all the taps, nearly had to kick the door in.

All this oh yes he is very spirited pish, eh no, he is badly behaved because he has no boundary's and is the total boss in the house.

We are no longer friends for another reason and I'm quite glad to be honest.

notcitrus · 18/08/2012 08:56

You haven't overreacted. And I've got a 3yo and also a whirlwind type 4yo dn. If anything, underreacted after the first incident or two.

ReallyTired · 18/08/2012 09:04

Goodness,
When I saw this thread I thought it was going to be some mum with a two year old precious first born girl complaining about the lively behaviour of three year old boys. Since the OP has boys, she knows what is normal behaviour and what isn't

However the behaviour you described is not normal. I think the issue of the mother being completely unapologetic and doing NOTHING to stop the behavoiur. Even if the child has special needs there is no excuse for doing nothing.

This woman is not your friend if she allowed her son to trash your home with no consequence. If was you, I would write to her and ask her to pay for the damage.

SirBoobAlot · 18/08/2012 09:08

Blimey I opened this thread expecting someone over reacting to normal three year old behaviour. Jesus, YANBU!!

I would definitely be requesting money towards repairs, and I wouldn't be inviting them over again. She sounds like as much as a handful as he is.

TruthSweet · 18/08/2012 09:08

I cut off ties with a very good friend after she did nothing when her nearly 5y punched DD2 in the knees and then punched DD1 (also nearly 5y) in the face when she told him to stop hitting her sister.

DD1 took DD2 and told my ex-friend (she was the first adult she found as DD1 & DD2 had been playing upstairs at a big play over day at my friend's house). My friend told her son not to do it again, with no repercussions.

She didn't tell me what had happened even though she knew DD2 was being investigated for arthritis and was actually pretty ill and that the major pain was in her knees as well and she knew this (DD2 was 3y and had been out of a pushchair for about a year but I had had to go back to a double as she couldn't walk properly any more). I only found out when I saw the red mark on DD1's face and she told me what happened!

He had been banned from our house previously after he got DD2 in a choke hold and repeatedly slammed DD2's head into a wall corner (the sticking out bit) amongst other things including pushing over 13m old DD3 because she was playing with one of her baby toys and he wanted it.

I really miss my friend even 1 1/2y later but she does nothing and I can't stand back and let her child hurt mine again and again. Sometimes you have to cut ties to protect your children/home/sanity, it's very sad when a good friend can't see how destructive/aggressive their child is though or won't see and won't deal with it. Ultimately it's the child that suffers in later life if they grow up with out any boundaries or consequences for their actions.

skateboarder · 18/08/2012 09:12

Wow, unbelievable.
My own ds is a handful but he get asked not to do something, then told, then he is removed. In this instance we would have gone home after he apologised and way before anything serious had happened.

noblegiraffe · 18/08/2012 09:16

I am Shock at the behaviour and even more Shock that other people are saying they've encountered similar. OMG he trashed your house and hit your baby. What's he going to be like when he gets older?!

coffeeandwine · 18/08/2012 09:17

I agree that YADNBU.
Does this person have any others friends that also have seen the same behaviour? If so, I think you need to all clearly tell her that there is a problem, otherwise she'll soon have no friends for either her or her son.

charlottehere · 18/08/2012 09:19

I was going to say YABU, hes three but jeez really? YANBU at all.

pigletmania · 18/08/2012 09:22

Oooooh I hate that word spirited. Yes badly behaved more like. If my dd starts acting up after I have told her not to at friends houses, we will leave ourselves

DozyDuck · 18/08/2012 09:23

My son is 6 with severe special needs, he would absolutely act like that (if I let him)

He would do one of those things before being taken home instantly with me probably holding back the tears! I posted on here a while ago about him smashing a neighbours gnome and I was so gutted. I can't believe someone would laugh!!!

Do NT kids act like this if they are allowed to? I've seen many a rubbish parent but the kids haven't been that destructive! I don't know though.

The fact that she'd laugh... It's unbelievable! She didn't say anything at all to her DS?

I know my son sometimes people think I'm not telling him off because I don't say a word to him and just remove him into a time out area immediately after the behaviour, because if I reacted it would accelerate the behaviour.

But seriously, she did nothing???

I sometimes think people are ridiculous for judging me when we are out and about because NT children couldn't possibly act like that and they MUST know. But I suppose if you laugh at bad things how do they know they're bad???

This is so weird.

No I wouldn't invite back to your house.

But it's such a weird situation.... Is your friend ok in herself?