To think my Mum is totally unreasonable and not to want to phone her

[kungfutea]

Sorry this is long as these complicated family things tend to be!

I moved abroad a few months back. DH and kids joined me (DH then went back to UK for a bit to finish off some work).

Beginning of July I had an email from my Mum, just basically normal stuff. I was very busy because DH was back in UK and I was workign full time in new country, new house, no friends or family around so didn't answer straight away.

Then we had a disaster strike. My Dad (parents amicably divorced 30 years already) came to visit. We were all so excited to show him round, kids had planned where he'll sleep in the new house, where we'll take him in our new city etc. He was here a day, not feeling too good. Went to get checked out, ends up being in hospital here for 2 weeks and comes out with a diagnosis of incurable stage 4 cancer. Had to arrange with travel insurance medical evacuation back to UK for treatment, stepmum came out to be with him. After my Dad got on the plane and I decompressed, I realized my Mum hadn't been in contact the whole time - nothing, not a call or even just an email. She knew the diagnosis, my brother had told her and she'd called my Dad. This was about 3 weeks after this email at beginning of July.

So I sent her an email telling her how disappointed I was. No answer. Sent another. No answer. Tried to Skype her (had kids with me at the time who wanted to speak to her), rang a couple of times and then off. Tried again, same thing. Another email. No answer. Caught her on google chat and asked her why she's cut off contact with me and kids, she said she won't talk about it because I get too angry and went straight offline. I spoke with my aunt who asked her why she's doing this, she told her not to interfere.

Now I'm in a situation where my Mum clearly doesn't want to be in contact with me or my kids and I don't have the foggiest idea why. It's now 7 weeks since I've heard anything from her. Surely I deserve at least to know why? DH and my aunt think I should phone her on landline so she doesn't know it's me but ot be honest I'm going through such an emotional nightmare with the thought of losing my Dad that I can't face the rejection and emotional upheaval as she'll probably just hang up.

THis is totally unreasonable behaviour right? My Mum's always been a bit unbalanced but normal people don't just cut off contact wiht their children and grandchidlren for no reason? And even more so at such an awful time such as finding out that your father is terminally ill? I'm so devastated by all of this and find it hard to believe she's behaving like this. Is there anything reasonable at all? Any possible explanation?

The only understandable (not to say reasonable!) cause I can think of is that the news also deeply affected your mother.

This is a man she spent a considerable part of her life with - I think it's brought up feelings she's not comfortable with or she's been hiding resentment for a long time and it's finally caused it to boiled over.

Sorry to hear about your Dad's diagnosis. Your Mum's behaviour sounds really odd at a time when you all need emotional support. Were there any issues about you moving away eg taking the grand kids away etc that she could now be reacting to? Maybe the news of your Dad has brought some old feelings to the surface. Could you talk to your brother about it?

It's for the kids I'm most upset. They move to a new country, new language, new everything. Then their grandfather comes to visit and instead of us all having a fun time, he's in hospital with tubes coming out of him, I'm in floods of tears and running around trying to organize everything...and just when we need her, their grandmother cuts contact with them. They've been asking why she hasn't called, why she won't answer their calls. Whatever her own personal feelings, she's an adult. How she can behave like this to the kids is beyond me, it really is.

It is terrible. Like you said she can have an issue with you but should be capable of separating that from her relationship with DCs. My DF cut off contact from me for 3 months when I was in my early 20s. Have never forgotten it and it makes him unreliable in my eyes. Is there any way forward you can see? Anyone that could mediate? Could you fly back for a visit to try to resolve things or are you too far away?

My aunt's trying to mediate but my Mum told her not to interfere! My brother's no help (we're a rather dysfunctional family at the best of times).

I'm not sure what way forward there is. Maybe I am being unreasonable but I don't know if I can forgive her for what she's intentionally put me and hte kids though over the last few weeks. I know I should but I'm not sure I can. I feel so incredibly hurt.

Way too far to fly for a quick visit. And the way I'm feeling right now, I wouldn't waste my money and my holiday time.

Sorry about your dad, I hope his treatment goes well.

Why did you write to your mum saying you were disappointed? Don't really get that bit?

And the fact that she also hasn't told me WHY. What I've done to deserve this. what the kids have done?

I didn't argue with her, I didn't fight with her, everything seemed normal in the last email. You must need to do some pretty big shit for your mother to cut you off when you're coming to terms with your father's terminal illness. It feels like she playing mind games, mental torture with me, almost intentionally adding to my emotional burden right now.

Has she done anything like this before?

I wrote that I was disappointed she hadn't contacted me at all during the time my Dad was hospitalized here and received his diagnosis of terminal cancer. He was hospitalized for over 2 weeks and she knew about it all. Even a quick email to say she was thinking of me would have been appreciated.

She's always been a bit, umm, unpredictable emotionally. But nothing like this.

It must be incredibly hurtful. However overall it will be your DM loss to not have contact with DCs. They will probably find someone/something to fill the gap.
Does your aunt know the reasons behind it all?

It is so hurtful. I've been welling up at odd moments whenever I think about my Dad and then to have this shit with my Mum as well.

No, my aunt's baffled by it all as well.

Yes, I agree, it'll definitely be her loss. My dc are amazing kids (I know, sorry, but I'm their Mum, I'm allowed to think that!!) and deserve so much better than to be treated in this way.

Well for me I think that is maybe what has upset your mum, especially as she is known to be a bit over emotional at times. If I have understood correctly you hadn't found the time to respond back to her general email when everything then happened to your dad. You then emailed her eventually but only to say you were disappointed in her.

This is perhaps not the best angle to take with someone like your mum.

IMO it should have been more along the lines of....sorry I haven't been in touch mum, but I've been so busy with dad, isn't it terrible news.... How are you etc etc.

I don't get why you would write to say you were disappointed in her and so I'm thinking there is abit more to the troubles in your relationship with your mum than what your saying so far?

I would email with an apology to her, I know it'll go against the grain and you shouldn't have to but for the sake of the family I'd do it. Is she a women of principal? She sounds like she could be to me.

It may be best to focus your energy and time into helping to support your DF. Your Mum needs to stop being so selfish. Unfortunately it sounds like she is not interested in resolving this at the moment. Probably the best thing you can do is leave her to get on with it.
Sorry you've got all this going on OP. Life sucks sometimes.

When did you reply to your mothers July email? Maybe that's why she's annoyed that you didn't reply back or call to tell her of your fathers illness?

Not to say shes being reasonable at all, it's the only reason that I can see for her to be pissy.

Could you ignore her & let her get on with it?

I didn't reply until after my Dad had gone.

But if that's what's upset her, why not just say? Isn't that the normal adult response? And why punish the kids?

She's not really over-emotional on the whole. More under-emotional with occasional extreme bursts of over-emotion! And I can't really see her being upset about me not answering an email.

My aunt's best guess is that she feels left behind by us moving and also because she had breast cancer a few years ago so might find it difficult to accept what's happening with my Dad.

I know I should be more forgiving and just pick up the phone and be all sweetness and light and sorry for not being in contact kind of thing as though nothing happened but I'm finding it hard to take the high road here. Add to that the fact that I don't know how she'll react because she hasn't told me what's wrong.

Thank you felicity. Exactly what my RL friends have said as well. I think it's true. Especially with regards to the kids and their needs, I think she's been very self centred.

But it's good to get other perspectives as well. I'm trying, not very successfully, to see it from her pov.

Yep, I'm afraid Kung, that's what I think you should do, exactly what you say, take the high road.

Life it too short for all this, I know it's a shame that your mum isn't thinking this way but we don't know for sure why she hasn't been in touch and it coUld be a simple misunderstanding that could be sorted with one phone call.

I think it'll take less energy for you to deal with it rather than ignore it.

Hope you can sort it, and things get better for you and your dad all way round.

I am so sorry about your Dad. What terrible news.

Could you just email her and say something like "I'm sorry I haven't been in contact but we've been rather busy, and I'm really struggling to understand your behavior right now. The children would love to speak to you, please contact them soon."

Then devote what time and energy you have to your father.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. xx

Yes, I know you're right Hyperballad. But I also know that I'm feeling too emotionally fragile at the moment as I don't know how she'll react. Maybe later. My aunt's going to have another go this weekend to find out what's up.

Well there's no rush, do it when you feel strong enough.

Good luck

The only thing I can think is that she was upset that you didn't reply to the email, and that your dad went out to visit first. She's utterly in the wrong of course...

I think the only thing you can do is send her an email saying you can only assume the non-reply to your email is the problem and you're sorry about that but no malice was intended - but you're really hurt she's cut you off over something so minor.

I agree with those that say it's because you didn't reply to her e-mail (before all this happened), then your dad visits, then he's ill and you're understandably all over the place.
The first correspondance you then have with her is to have a go.

I understand your feelings but perhaps that wasn't the wisest move on your part.

My parents divorced after 30 odd years of marriage so I can relate to your family situation. I know, however, that of something similar happened to my father my mother would still need emotional support from me. I wonder if she is annoyed with you for not contacting her to see how she was dealing with news of his illness; she must feel very isolated .

I agree with others that you should take the high road if you want to continue in a relationship with your mother.

You ignored her email, that's what upset her.

Your dad - her ex husband - was there with his new wife and she (I imagine) felt shoved to the side.

She's probably already reeling from her family going to live overseas.

It IS silly not to talk about it though. I suspect she's feeling a bit unloved.

I know you had a lot on your plate but it really does only take 30 seconds to reply to an email - everyone has 30 seconds to spare.