To think my Mum is totally unreasonable and not to want to phone her

[kungfutea]

Sorry this is long as these complicated family things tend to be!

I moved abroad a few months back. DH and kids joined me (DH then went back to UK for a bit to finish off some work).

Beginning of July I had an email from my Mum, just basically normal stuff. I was very busy because DH was back in UK and I was workign full time in new country, new house, no friends or family around so didn't answer straight away.

Then we had a disaster strike. My Dad (parents amicably divorced 30 years already) came to visit. We were all so excited to show him round, kids had planned where he'll sleep in the new house, where we'll take him in our new city etc. He was here a day, not feeling too good. Went to get checked out, ends up being in hospital here for 2 weeks and comes out with a diagnosis of incurable stage 4 cancer. Had to arrange with travel insurance medical evacuation back to UK for treatment, stepmum came out to be with him. After my Dad got on the plane and I decompressed, I realized my Mum hadn't been in contact the whole time - nothing, not a call or even just an email. She knew the diagnosis, my brother had told her and she'd called my Dad. This was about 3 weeks after this email at beginning of July.

So I sent her an email telling her how disappointed I was. No answer. Sent another. No answer. Tried to Skype her (had kids with me at the time who wanted to speak to her), rang a couple of times and then off. Tried again, same thing. Another email. No answer. Caught her on google chat and asked her why she's cut off contact with me and kids, she said she won't talk about it because I get too angry and went straight offline. I spoke with my aunt who asked her why she's doing this, she told her not to interfere.

Now I'm in a situation where my Mum clearly doesn't want to be in contact with me or my kids and I don't have the foggiest idea why. It's now 7 weeks since I've heard anything from her. Surely I deserve at least to know why? DH and my aunt think I should phone her on landline so she doesn't know it's me but ot be honest I'm going through such an emotional nightmare with the thought of losing my Dad that I can't face the rejection and emotional upheaval as she'll probably just hang up.

THis is totally unreasonable behaviour right? My Mum's always been a bit unbalanced but normal people don't just cut off contact wiht their children and grandchidlren for no reason? And even more so at such an awful time such as finding out that your father is terminally ill? I'm so devastated by all of this and find it hard to believe she's behaving like this. Is there anything reasonable at all? Any possible explanation?

I'm sorry about your dad, what a horrible shock.

I agree with Hyperballad - your mum probably interprets this as you ignoring her, then emailing her to harangue her about what she has done wrong. It would appear to her that you didn't want to keep in touch when all was well, couldn't find time to keep her updated when your dad was ill (could she have been worried also?), and then blamed her for the lack of contact. Yes, she 's being foolish now with the whole 'two can play at that game' business.

As she won't take your calls, I'd probably send an email it letter apologizing for the breakdown in communication, saying that toy hope to repair the relationship, and that you'll wait for her to get in touch when she's ready. Then leave her to think about it.

Hell's bells, thought I had proofread !

Letter or email
you hope

I belong to a health club full of older ladies so I speak to older people a lot. A lot of them are devastated when their families more abroad, so that could be part of it. She may be feeling abandoned by you all. Then she emails and you don't reply for three weeks and you don't even contact her when your dad becomes ill, you leave that to your brother. And then you bombard her with critical emails.
My mum is also a bit odd about contact. She has only just started emailing, but won't ring if I haven't emailed but as she sees it as my turn. Actually three weeks isn't that long, it can go months before I hear from my family. So in summary I think she isn't being unreasonable. Probably hurt, left out and upset that your fathers ill.

I too think she got upset at you not replying to her july email.

You really need to hear her side of the story.

I think it was a bit shitty not to reply to her email initially and I also wonder who told your brother that your dad is I'll? If it was you then I think your mum may be justified in being hurt that you couldn't phone her to let her know that the man she was married to and had children with is dying.
I'msorry you are having such a rough time but think that an email apologising would perhaps be the best way to get you both talking again and to a place where you can support each other.

I'm not sure why you can't see why your mother is so upset!

You move abroad (and however happily she waved you off, I'm sure she was devastated). You don't reply to a chatty email which makes her feel unwanted, unneeded, uncared for. Your father visits, the bombshell hits and you still don't communicate with her, you leave that to your brother. How much more unwanted do you want her to feel? Finally, when your father leaves, you manage to find time to contact her - to have a go at her.

All your actions up to then scream loud and clear that you don't want or need her, why should anything have changed now?

That is her point of view. You're sitting sulking now about her not being in contact or answering calls - why should she? You ignore her, exclude her and then get pissy with her when she doesn't offer support. I imagine she's miserable, angry, hurt and sulking at you too.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you wanted to understand her point of view. I've not toned it down as much as other posters because I suspect, rightly or wrongly, she really is that hurt and angry.

I really am sorry about your father's illness and that it's happened just after your move, massive major life events are crap when they overlap. I can see your side too and I do sympathise.