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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an actual holiday?

103 replies

Babylon1 · 17/08/2012 22:09

8 years ago I bought DH a camper van for his birthday. I was pregnant with DD1 at the time and it was really exciting - our own little van on wheels.

Fast forward 8 years, and though I still love our little van, our family has grown and trips are not exciting any more, they are an absolute fucking chore Sad

We've just spent 3 nights (should have been 7) in Cornwall on a basic campsite at Praa Sands. Been to the campsite loads of times, we like basic and don't go in for the big organised sites - give us a field with a shower/toilet facility and we're good.

Weather was OK first couple of days, got in the sea, on the beach etc, but on day 3 the weather changed, it was awful. So instead of me sleeping in van with DS (4mo) and DD2 (3yo), there was also DH and DD1 (7yo) in a very small space.

DS is EBF and still wakes at least once a night to be fed which was a problem in itself, everyone got disturbed, and basically i got so stressed with it all, I ended up having a meltdown at 2am and sitting in the passenger seat crying my eyes out Sad

When we got home and were unloading the van, I casually mentioned to DH that next year I'd like to do something different than camping, I'd like to go on a plane to somewhere hot and sunny in a hotel; where someone cooks and cleans for me for two weeks, and the biggest jobs I have to tackle are dressing the DCs and applying suncream regularly.

Well I might as well have suggested we burn the van, the reaction I got Sad

Apparently i'm being selfish to impose my 'needs' on the rest of the family and i should consider more what he would like to do for his holidays Shock

I'm seriously considering going to the travel agent tomorrow and booking a break for me and the DCs next year. If DH wants to join us then he can, but otherwise I'll go on my own with the children.

I wouldn't mind so much, but my 3 nights in wet Cornwall was my main and only holiday this year. No weekends away, no mini breaks, nothing. DH has alreay had a lads weekend away, a week away with school PGL trip, a trip to Scotland with DD1 on his motorbike, and still has another PGL week in September and a lads weekend in October to look forward to.......

I just want really really need a proper holiday.

Sorry that was so long.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 17/08/2012 22:50

I live camping but do find I'm doing a lot of the work and still cooking Hmm
You need a holiday, and so I would go and book something tomorrow Grin

Original poster
Babylon1 · 17/08/2012 22:53

I'm Happy to still do minibreaks in the van but limit it to 1 or 2 nights, and I certainly don't want to get rid of the van, I do love it, but I need a proper break.

It has caused major eruptions here Sad

Grrrrr. If the Uk weather was better it would be fine!

Oooh I think I'm off to travel agent in the morning. Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 17/08/2012 22:53

Lol @ refugees!!!!

OP posts:
Beamur · 17/08/2012 22:57

My DP and I have similar holiday stand offs. I tolerate camping and enjoy if the weather is kind. But I don't do the cooking - his job. We also divvy up getting different parts ready - but it is still a chore.
I too dream of a proper, sunny holiday with comfy beds.

RubyVaultingGates · 17/08/2012 22:58

I loved my little green van, and cried when it was too old to fix and find parts for, but it was never a relaxing holiday!

YANBU

redbusandbigben · 17/08/2012 22:58

We alternate, one year we have dad's holiday. This involves driving around France/Germany/Belgium/Luxemburg and camping.

Then we have mum's choice - getting a plane somewhere hot.

Unfortunately DH hates planes so is currently shitting bricks as this year it is my choice and he is due to fly next week!

Original poster
Babylon1 · 17/08/2012 23:04

I'm so glad it's not me being unreasonable. Because he works all day every day and I'm on maternity leave, I think he thinks I sit on my arse all day waiting for him to come home, when he actually knows that's not true Smile

I think I would be unreasonable to ask him to pay for it all, but otherwise I think I should just go and book something Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 17/08/2012 23:07

I did suggest earlier that we invite his mother along too. She would gladly help with childcare and we would probably get some much needed quality time together Smile

He was horrified that I might invite his mother Sad

I've suggested going somewhere he can try some different watersports either on his own or with dd1, but that wasn't very well received either Sad

I just don't know Hmm

OP posts:
HildaHotPants · 17/08/2012 23:16

Why don't you rent out the van, and use the income to pay for a more relaxing holiday. Check out the rates on here

nokidshere · 17/08/2012 23:17

I haven't had a holiday for a couple of years but I would rather chew my own fingers off stay home than sleep in a tent or a campervan!!!!!

Book a break and tell him he can take the children off for a week in the campervan while you get some well deserved pampering :)

Original poster
Babylon1 · 17/08/2012 23:19

Hilda, he wouldn't even contemplate hiring out the precious van - not on your life ever never never!!

And as for me going away alone, I'd have more chance of plaiting fog Grin

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 17/08/2012 23:25

Is it because he's totally in love with the van and what a holiday in it gives him, or is he just scared/anxious of taking a holiday somewhere else.

I'm a bit like that and like to know what to expect and have familiar things around me, but if it's making you unhappy (and he does seem to have had a very alarming reaction to it, which you sound surprised at, did you really not have a clue that he'd take it so badly?) it is selfish of him to try and force you into them.

defineme · 17/08/2012 23:25

I don't really understand relationships with a 'his' money thing-surely it's all your money shared? He doesn't sound willing to compromise at all...Sad

I would say that if he's unwilling to try your idea then I'd be unwilling for him to go away with lads and volunteer himself for trips. When i was bfeeding twins and had a 2 year old dh bowed out of the trips he goes on usually-no one at work thought anything of it.There's 2 out of 6 years at dc's primary school who don't go away on overnights because teachers don't want to-it's not compulsory.

I suspect he has an image of himself as a free wheeling open road kind of guy and a package to a hotel doesn't fit in with his ego, nevermind his sleep deprived wife.

We camp for a week with friends in uk and then fly somewhere sunny to a hotel in the 6 weeks-I know which is a more of a rest even though I enjoy both-I'm glad to be home in nice snug bed after former, not so much after latter!

AgentZigzag · 17/08/2012 23:26

And as well as you being surprised at his reaction, did he not have a clue how you felt?

BellaVita · 18/08/2012 00:32

He sounds like a selfish arse tbh.

I would go and book yourself a nice weekend break somewhere.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 18/08/2012 06:01

Over the last 8 years he has fettled the van to get it to suit our needs - this includes redesigning the interior and welding in a fifth seat to accommodate DS.

He absolutely adores his van and I think he feels hurt that I'm not 100% into it right now.

I am still up for short breaks and weekends away and I would never want to be rid of it, but I want a sunshine hotel holiday too.

It's not about money either really, we can afford to do both.

He has said the idea of getting three DCs through an airport onto a plane sounds like a nightmare, as well as airport transfers at the other end, and I do get that it might not be the easiest, BUT if we don't try it, we don't know.

I'm going to pick up so travel brochures later today. I want 2 weeks, all inclusive, in a hotel with a decent pool and a beach close by.

I'm actually going to look into going back to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic where we honeymooned. Yes the flight is long (9 hrs) but worth it. The hotel ticks all the boxes, and I'm happy to pay to upgrade to first class flights for the extra comfort.

If I can get a good deal, I'm going to book it for the start of the summer holidays next year.

Anyone think it's a good idea to invite MIL too??Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 18/08/2012 06:04

Sorry AgentZigZag, missed your question.

He did know how I was feeling yes, but I know he thinks I'm a drama llama at times (and to a certain extent I can be) and he was just hoping this was me being daft.

I don't think he realises (still) that this is a dealbreaker for me Sad

OP posts:
RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 18/08/2012 06:16

Hang on. Am I missing something? You can afford to fly a family of 5 to the Caribbean first class- ie min £5k a seat, and your current only holiday is 3 days in a camper van. I don't understand.

Cokeaholic · 18/08/2012 06:36

I gathered from the OP having bought her dh the campervan as a birthday present to start with, that money was not a problem here.

Well off people like camping in the UK too you know.

OP, I would state your case about being happy to continue camping in the UK for short breaks but that you want your dh to take some time to think about how much of an actual "holiday" or "break" this is for you. If you consider that as he earns the money you don't have similar rights to a "break" then unless he is a very thoughtful and considerate man you will end up with no restful holidays whilst he continues to have his little weekends away and adventure holidays with the school. Could you suggest a 2:1 ration so that for every 2 weekends away he has you get 1 (perhaps to a spa, for total relaxation).

Original poster
Babylon1 · 18/08/2012 06:44

RichManPoorMan.....
Are you missing something??

Erm, the actual point!

It's not about the money, we can afford decent holidays, though where your pricing comes from I have no idea Confused

Last time we went to Caribbean it cost £2400 for 2 adults and 1 child, 3 weeks all inclusive, first class including a night either end of holiday at Radisson hotel at Manchester airport.

Even with inflation and credit crunch it is not going to come in at £25k minimum Confused Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 18/08/2012 06:51

Thanks cokeaholic, I have said I'm up for short breaks etc and hopefully they will continue.

DH had plans to drive around Europe again next year, but also taking in Germany, Belgium and Switzerland as well as France and Spain. He also talked about driving to Africa Confused

Sounds great on paper, but the reality of that is very different Sad so much travelling time and the DCs being strapped into the van.

I think the time for that kind of trip will come later on when DCs are a bit bigger.

Oh and for anyone who might be thinking this is definitely not!

Our camper is a 27 year old T25 VW - not a bay window, not a split screen, so nowhere near the cost you might be expecting I paid Wink

Yes we work hard and can afford a holiday, but we are real bargain hunters too and love a good deal.

I just want a RELAXING holiday with my family.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 18/08/2012 06:56

Sorry, you don't mean flying first class do you?

Anyway, you aren't being unreasonable.

Mayisout · 18/08/2012 06:57

I'm not sure if being abroad in a fully catered hotel would be that blissful with 3 DCs needing watched and sometimes amused.If you weren't cooking you might be doing something with them, rather than lounging by the pool.

Unless he is a SAHD this is a change for him, being full time with the DCs, but assuming you do most of the childcare, it is not for you. Even if he did the cooking you would then be in charge of amusing DCs. Can you go for long walks and leave him in charge occasionally?

But it is up to you to change things. Arrange a long weekend away doing painting/ yoga / cookery whatever (and many of these can be done abroad) once you have finished breastfeeding. And find treats once or twice a week where you have a break.

merrymouse · 18/08/2012 07:01

And agree completely about long journeys with young children - he is a little out of touch with reality.

(although I do understand where he is coming from - he is just jumping the gun a bit - he has the van and the holiday time, just not the right aged children yet.)

merrymouse · 18/08/2012 08:42

Do you think he is viewing this is rather an all or nothing way?

Perhaps in his mind you are either the kind of family that spends a month travelling in your van, or you are the kind of family that goes on all inclusive holidays, and your desire to stay in a hotel next year means that you will never go travelling in the van again and you are vetoing his Africa dreams for ever and ever?

Could he be persuaded that you will be perfectly willing to plan big van trips in the future (not necessarily defining when that future will be...), but that this is a point in your family life when it would be nice to stay in a hotel.

On the other hand, if he is honestly saying that no member of the Babylon family will ever stay in a hotel ever again on principle, I'd just get loads of brochures for hotels with amazing facilities and get the children to gang up on him.

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