To be uneasy at money from inlaws?

[BrittaPerry]

Ok, we are not rich. Me and DH each work part time, I am just recovering from serious health problems and am a student, dh had to be art time to look after me abd is struggling to find secure full time work. We claim some benefits, and we live a fairly cheap lifestyle. Recently we have had ome skint times, but that has been more a failure of budgeting than lack of money, if that makes sense.

Dh texted me (I'm away ATM) to tell me that his dad will be giving us £100 a month till dh gets a better job.

Now, obviously, massively grateful for the offer, but I would rather turn it down, or very gratefully suggest they buy, eg, the school dinners, or swimming/music lessons for the kids, driving lessons for dh, or something.

We do have luxuries in our life - we have a mobile each, Internet, newspaper subscription, I sometimes get a taxi short distances or buy a dress that I don't actually need, etc. nothing major, but we could shave £100 from our spending. I'm a bit worried, not that they will actually say anything, but that I will feel that I need to justify myself.

Am I being ridiculous?

I dunno, but if they, say, even gave us £95.87, the exact amount for a named thing, it would somehow feel better. I suppose everyone has their grandparents buy lessons in something, or new uniform, or whatever.

£100 a month feels like charity, I think.

It'd be a problem to me that he told you his dad would be giving you the cash (if that's how the conversation went), it's not for him to decide between just him and his dad.

I wouldn't feel at all comfortable taking that from a family member.

It'd make me wonder what expectations would be attached to it.

Good compromise with them treating the children or helping their son with driving lessons, if you feel comfortable with that.

If they want to help im sure they wouldn't be offended if you dh just explains like that, it would be easier to accept if it was for a specific named thing like the ones you suggested? it is understandable..
how are you inlaws? if they are really nice and just want to help it should be fine
some people do give money and then expect ott gratitude or use it to control - so depends what they are like

I just got a text, about mundane things, ending with 'oh, dad says he will give us £100 a month till I get a better job. See you soon, love you.'

Is that the way he normally sorts out financial things with you?

Is his family well off, or put little value on money, because he's minimised what it would represent by just tacking it onto the end of a text.

If someone was 'offering' us a hundred extra a month it'd definitely be a topic conversation for a while.

I don't think I would be happy about it. I hate taking money off people for my birthday though.

As the Mum of a 23 year old (24 next week) I would want to give 100 a month to my son and his partner each month if they needed it and wouldn't want her to see it as charity. Use it wisely or save it. Some parents just want to give help when they can. Wouldn't you want to help your babies if they were in a tight situation?
Unless they are total control freaks who will question what you did with it every month.

I think his dad probably just wants to help, knows what it is like to struggle with money and at this stage in their lives they have a bit spare. Accept it graciously, and spend it on the dc for clubs, swimming lessons etc if that's what you need the money for, or spend it on groceries or bills if you are really short.
Your DH probably didn't think you would object and it doesn't seem like a particularly odd text message to me tbh.

Unless theres going to be some unpleasant trade off whats the problem ?

I would feel uneasy too. I think it's the open ended nature of the arrangement: it could be £100 a month for a few months or it could go on and on for ages until your dh secures full time better paid work.

My children are little, but when they're adults I think I would be very happy to help out in times of dire need, eg if they had a massive unexpected bill for a broken boiler, or if they needed fees for some particularl training. But your situation isn't dire need. I admire your honesty op- you admit that while you aren't rolling in it, you are both able to run phones, Have Internet and give yourselves treats now and then. That's not poverty, that's just normal life for a lot of young families (and as you say, this is on part time work, so you have the prospect of being better off once you're working full time ). Tbh if my adult children were in your situation, I would not feel it was helpful to supplement their income each month. They would clearly be managing ok, and in many ways I think if you don't experience the 'leaner' periods then you don't appreciate the good times. As I say, anything really unexpected in your situation, I would try to help if i could..

Just as an aside, you mention you receive some benefits, and if your household income was to increase each month, might this not reduce your benefits? I assume you would be obliged to declare the change and tbh it would be madness if they didn't reduce, as your income improved. So it could be the case that the extra money would be cancelled out anyway

Maybe suggest that your inlaws put it into a savings account so that it builds up into a nest egg for your family for when you really need it ? Car if DH gets a new job, moving costs [same], help with school costs etc etc.

I would take the money. You don't sound like irresponsible spendthrifts. The time when adults have young children and responsibilities is a very demanding time, financially and I think its nice the GPs are helping out, especially since you've been ill. If there's strings with it, might be a different story, its hard to tell from your post. Being generous is great but being able to accept other people's generosity is also important, no? It sounds like a nice gesture to me.

I think they're trying to be kind and maybe thinking about tax and all that gubbins when they die - it's 'easier' to give money away when you're still here IYSWIM.

Does your DH have any siblings btw? Because they might be doing something for them and want to give to you in the name of fairness, 'can't give to one without giving to the other' kind of thing?

I think either named things, ie 'can you pay for the driving lessons' is a good plan or putting it into a savings account. You could say 'that is a lovely offer, but we're actually managing fine day to day, the one thing that does stress us though is that we're not managing to save for a rainy day/kids uni/whatever, so if you could save it on our behalf that would be lovely.' The other advantage to that is if it stops, ie DH gets another job, you won't be relying on that money to pay for something like the kids swimming lessons which may then still be hard money to find.

Assuming there are no underlying control issues you haven't mentioned it sounds to me like the GPs are trying to be nice.

I would ask them to pay for a specific 'thing' for the DCs to or if they refused this I would save it or 'earmark' it for a specific thing myself.

If they began to make you feel guilty/bad in any way I would refuse to take any more money from them. I'd also probably 'check' with them myself to see if they really were happy with giving us the money, and I would point out to them that we weren't actually destitute anyway.

It's very kind of them and it's not going to be forever is it?

Please just say thank you very much that is tremendously kind and helpful! Then set it aside for something specific that you have both agreed upon. Please don't be chippy about it, that is just very bad manners.

It will count as income for any benefits you're recieving - which makes it much less straightforward anyway.

I think this is a very kind offer. You should accept it if you know he definitely has the spare cash and that way it will cover something like a holiday next year. Times are hard, your FIL knows this and he is being kind.

Would you not help your own kids win they are older OP? Because that is all that your inlaws are doing - just say thank you.

For me it would depend on the inlaws and your relationship with them. Its a lovely offer, but if it has strings attached i wouldnt touch it with a barge pole.
You can put the £100 in an account and use it for dc swim lessons or dh's driving lessons knowing it is going to a good cause.

Maybe you can take it, and save it up, and then wait until you have a lump sum and do something really useful with it.

Your dh could have the £50 per week and you could save yours up until you have £500.
I just spend loads of money that I don't have on martial arts lessons for my DS so he has something fun to do every weekend. Sometimes you can feel like you're living quite a luxurious lifestyle but really you're just trying to live a normal life.

YANBU to be uneasy-but surely they can give their son money if they want to?

Are you will worried that there will be "strings" or that they will ask for it back?

I´d hate to think that I could

oops!

I´d hate to think that I couldn´t help my adult children tbh.

Do you not usually get on with your in-laws? Do you think that they?ll want to see receipts? Do you think they?ll feel a sense of ownership over your lifestyles?

If the answer to these is ?no? well then you should take the money. They sound like nice people doing a nice thing to help close family out during a time of financial hardship. I would have no problem with this whatsoever. They?re family and family help each other out. There may come a time when they need your help, during time of ill health for example and you will be able to reciprocate.