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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be freaking out

46 replies

politebutgrumpy · 16/08/2012 20:58

I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first child. I have previously had three miscarriages at 8-14 weeks. I have a sense of impending doom which is probably irrational but I can't shake off. No issues with this pregnancy, all tests and scans fine. I just can't believe that I am capable of giving birth to a healthy baby.

My DP, normally wonderful and a tower of strength, is also freaking out. He has a major project at work and he is really stressed, which isn't helping. Also, the only other member of staff at his level has gone on sick leave (prob long term) so we can't work out how he can take any time off to help me. First world problem I know.

I am terrified I won't know what to do and I might break the baby. My mother laughed when I said that, and my friends did too. Apparently everyone feels that way. My mother has suggested that she comes and stays with me once the baby comes in case DP can't be around but I'm scared she will take over.

We haven't got anything for the baby yet. Parents and ILs have offered to get us some things, and friends have loads of second hand. I can't get my head around what we need.

I just want to go to bed with lots of chocolate and wake up with everything sorted.

IS THIS NORMAL????

OP posts:

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 16/08/2012 20:59

Talk to your midwife. Be honest. You'll feel better just for saying it out loud

Krumbum · 16/08/2012 21:00

Yes that is normal. My best friend was just the same but once it happens you get into the swing of it and it's fine.
You need to start getting stuff ready though! Pick up all the things people are giving you and then work out what you still need to buy. You have time but start now.

Original poster

politebutgrumpy · 16/08/2012 21:01

Thank you Fishare. I'm not very good at admitting these things IRL

OP posts:

Megatron · 16/08/2012 21:02

Aw you poor love. Agree with fish talk to your midwife. When I brought DS home from hospital I was terrified I was going to hurt him. You are perfectly normal but you do need to try to enjoy the last part of your pregnancy!

Louboo2245 · 16/08/2012 21:03

I just want to give you a hug. you are going to be fine.
After 2 MC I can understand your anxiety. Maybe talk to your midwife about your worries, if you feel that your family don't understand (though the feeling you are having are normal, I felt the same way after my second)
You could have a spa day with you mum or close friends, just to calm down and then start thinking about what you are going to need, as you don't want to be caught with a newborn and nothing for them :)
Is your husband self employed or not cause if he's not, it is so not his problem and it's up to his workplace to sort it out, he is entitled to the time off.
You are going to be fine and yes YOU ARE NORMAL

numbertaker · 16/08/2012 21:03

Normal, I had a really bad impending sense of doom with my second child after trying for 7 years. Try to just put it out of your head.

Original poster

politebutgrumpy · 16/08/2012 21:03

Krumbum, I get stressed about thinking about what to accept. We have a fairly small two bedroom flat with virtually no storage. I need to chuck out our crap! I'm scared about tripping over stuff.

Is a carseat a good idea? We don't have a car at the moment, but my parents and sister both say get one, and then they can take me out, or put me on their insurance.

Sorry, I know this is stupid.

OP posts:

NellyBluth · 16/08/2012 21:05

Yes, this is completely normal! Even when DD finally deigned to appear and we got her home we just stared at and went... err, what now?

Do you think buying a few things will help? Newborn babies need less than you think. Buy some nappies, a basket/crib/cot, some blankets or grobags, some muslins, and some babygrows. Well, if people have offered them second-hand, that's even better! Really, as long as you can clothe, feed and change the baby then you are fine for a few days until you get your head around what you need.

And do tell your mw how you feel if you can. But it really is normal to start freaking out a bit this close to your EDD.

Original poster

politebutgrumpy · 16/08/2012 21:06

Louboo, not self-employed but senior in a small company. Not technically his problem, but if they lose a client because they can't access anyone below CEO who can authorise stuff it will be our problem

OP posts:

NellyBluth · 16/08/2012 21:06

Oh, and car seat - we don't drive but we have one that will fit in any car. Worth thinking about anyway for getting baby home from hospital!

Original poster

politebutgrumpy · 16/08/2012 21:08

Thank you Nelly. I've got the day off tomorrow so will waddle into John Lewis and see what they can do. People keep trying to talk to me about moses baskets and then going into a cot and I just think WHAT????

OP posts:

sittinginthesun · 16/08/2012 21:09

I was a bit like this, but my DH was so completely in denial and paranoid that something would go wrong, that we hardly did a thing before the birth.

I found that the best way to cope was almost to detach. Write a list, Internet buy clothes, nappies etc, make sure you have the basics before 36 weeks.

The rest will just fall into place when it needs to.

NellyBluth · 16/08/2012 21:09

Moses basket might be something you can borrow from a friend, just buy a new mattress (very cheap) for it? Newborns will fit in it, and then you can decide once the baby is here whether you want to buy a cot sooner or later.

Original poster

politebutgrumpy · 16/08/2012 21:10

ok... shopping list/calling friends list for tomorrow
Carseat
sling
moses basket
nappies - how many?
grobag - how many?
babygrows - how many?

OP posts:

Original poster

politebutgrumpy · 16/08/2012 21:12

I'm going to have a bath now, so may not reply until a bit later.

Thank you, the wonderful women of mumsnet make me feel better

OP posts:

Bubbless · 16/08/2012 21:12

im 20w with my first at the mo, so no real experience of what your going through!
but maybe, if everyones being very daunting about what you need etc
when you speak to your mw about how your feeling, ask for a 'bare essentials' list, with how much of each youll need in the early days, might give you something to work towards?
pile it all in the corner until you need it!

Megatron · 16/08/2012 21:13

Don't apologise, you're not being stupid. I think we all feel nervous when something we have wanted for so long is about to happen.

WelshMaenad · 16/08/2012 21:14

Stuff you really need:

Somewhere for baby to sleep with a brand new mattress and some bedding
A car seat (legally you'll need one to take baby home in a vehicle).
A few sleepsuits and vests to be getting along with -6 of each?
A pram, sling or other way of transporting the baby so you can get out and about.
Some nappies and accoutrements to start you off - my personal preference is for cloth and cloth wipes, but there's always dispos, cotton wool and sn old ice cream tub for water.
Your boobs, if you plan to bf. Bottles, steriliser, bottle brush and formula if not.

Literally everything else can be got afterwards. So if the whole shebang is freaking you out, sort the essentials then tell everyone you will wait till you bring baby home to assess what else you need. Very small babies need remarkably little material shit.

Everyone freaks out about breaking their pfb. Everyone gets told you will get your head round it when the baby arrives -because it's the truth. My pfb was early, tiny and in special care for a month and I was convinced I should have some kind of special training to be allowed to handle her, but within weeks I was swinging her around with gay abandon. They're actually tough little buggers. You're going to be terrific.

NellyBluth · 16/08/2012 21:19

Nappies - buy a small pack of newborn/size one, about 30 nappies I think, just because you won't know what size your baby will be. But size 1's last most people for a few weeks at least. Your choice what brand but we've always found Pampers good.

Grobag - I'd say 2, one 1.5 tog and one 2.5 tog because it might still be warm. But maybe see if you can borrow these, I don't know if some babies don't like them? Personally I'd also recommend a SwaddleMe swaddle wrap as it changed our life, DD actually slept in it, and so if you can afford one I think they are really handy to have just in case your baby wants to be swaddled.

Babygrows - ten vests, ten babygrows, and a few scratch mitts should do it for a few days. Oh, and a cardi or something in case the day is chilly.

But remember you can buy ANYTHING nowadays and have it delivered the next day so you don't have to go overboard.

Harleyband · 16/08/2012 21:20

I felt this with each of my 3 completely normal and successful pregnancies. Also didn't want to buy anything because I was convinced they wouldn't be needed. It's really very common and it doesn't mean anything is going to go wrong with the pregnancy. It's true you don't need much for the new baby, but you will need to get the basics now. Hang in there and do talk to your MW. They've certainly heard it before.

NowThenWreck · 16/08/2012 21:20

Normal. YANBU. I remember when the midwife told me at 37 weeks I could give birth at any moment and I wailed "but I'm not ready!"

Personally I wouldnt bother with a moses basket. I dont think they are very comfy. Just get a cot.

Also

Shedloads of babywipes
Nappies
A bunch of sleepsuits
Some kind of pram/sling
Car seat
Zinc and Castor oil for nappy rash
Stock up on teabags

Thats it really. Anything else you can get later.

You will be fine.

AgentZigzag · 16/08/2012 21:21

The people laughing at you saying you think you might break the baby, aren't laughing because they think you're being ridiculous, it's because 'I might break it' sounds such a funny way of rolling up and expressing the huge fears everyone has at the impending birth of their child.

Fears about how you'll cope, how the baby will make its way out, how your life will change, even whether you'll love each other.

You just want to know everything will turn out OK.

No need to freak out about all the stuff babies need, the list is relatively small at first and you'll get to know the extras when the need for them comes up.

You could have a search on MN for threads about what people found they needed/didn't need for a newborn? Or start your own about how you're worried about coping when the baby's here?

There are loads of places on here you can get more support

sittinginthesun · 16/08/2012 21:24

Okay, with 8 years hindsight, my list would be:

Moses basket or carrycot, new mattress;
Sheets and blankets (fitted and flat sheets for swaddling);
6 short sleeve vests;
6 babygrows;
Couple of packets new born nappies
Cotton wool;
Nappy sacks;
Car seat;
Pram or flat pushchair;
Hat for baby straight after birth;

Everything else can wait.

BulldogDrummond · 16/08/2012 21:28

If you are shy of telling your midwife what your worries are, may I suggest that you write them down and give her the list to see how you feel? Perhaps write her a letter and give it to her to read in your presence.

Starting a list now will enable you to add things as you think of them or remember something you were worried about a month ago and forgot.

shewhowines · 16/08/2012 21:35

All of the above and nipple cream(if planning to breast feed) and maternity pads.
Thats not to worry you even more but just to be prepared.

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