to be freaking out

[politebutgrumpy]

I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first child. I have previously had three miscarriages at 8-14 weeks. I have a sense of impending doom which is probably irrational but I can't shake off. No issues with this pregnancy, all tests and scans fine. I just can't believe that I am capable of giving birth to a healthy baby.

My DP, normally wonderful and a tower of strength, is also freaking out. He has a major project at work and he is really stressed, which isn't helping. Also, the only other member of staff at his level has gone on sick leave (prob long term) so we can't work out how he can take any time off to help me. First world problem I know.

I am terrified I won't know what to do and I might break the baby. My mother laughed when I said that, and my friends did too. Apparently everyone feels that way. My mother has suggested that she comes and stays with me once the baby comes in case DP can't be around but I'm scared she will take over.

We haven't got anything for the baby yet. Parents and ILs have offered to get us some things, and friends have loads of second hand. I can't get my head around what we need.

I just want to go to bed with lots of chocolate and wake up with everything sorted.

IS THIS NORMAL????

And muslins

Oh sweetheart I can imagine how nervous you are after your previous losses.

If it's any consolation, we got DD1 home from hospital, put her car seat on the lounge floor and looked at each other and said "so what do we do now?"!!

I would buy a few bits to help it feel more real, but you don't need masses and don't think too far ahead. You don't need to be thinking about cots, size 3-6 month clothes, weaning bowls and all the other stuff that some people like to buy before the birth. Shops will still be open after you have the baby

I would buy only what you don't get given or loaned (no point buying stuff you don't use for long if someone will lend it to you).

A Moses basket or crib, with some bedding if you don't get given it. I'm not fan of grobags for newborns so prefer a couple of fitted sheets, flat sheets and cellular blankets (not fleece, they get too hot with fleece)

A few packs of plain vests and babygrows - I think about 12 of each in total is OK for starters

Nappies (newborn size, maybe a small pack each of Pampers/Huggies/Supermarkets own, until you know what suits your baby fit-wise)

Feeding stuff if you're not planning to breastfeed

Most other stuff can wait!

Do speak to your midwife, she will totally understand. And you won't break your baby, they're tougher than they look

politebutgrumpy are you me 17 years ago?

I had three miscarriages. All between 6-8 weeks. I was convinced I would never hold my own baby in my arms.

I fell pregnant for the fourth time and all the way through my pregnancy I kept that belief.

When in labour, they put a monitor inside me to attach to the babys head. This was not working. All I heard was 'We've lost the babys heartbeat'. I was convinced that I was right and the baby was dead. My (nowEx)H realised what I was thinking and reasured me. She was born and apart from a little worry because I had had pethadine so very closely to giving birth to her she was fine.

Please mention your morries and fears to the midwife. After all you have been through, they are perfectly normal fears. You will need to be keot more of an eye on after your experiences as you may be at greater risk of PND.

I now have three lovely DC now, btw. Good luck!

OP, where are you because I'm looking to get rid of loads if baby stuff and can help but u guess you're not in Shropshire?

Hi so sorry about the miscarriages it sounds like it was such a difficult time. I had a twins recently and had a very high risk pregnancy so had the same feelings. My midwife offered more appointments for me just to keep my mind at rest so I could relax a bit. Also there are walk in u some areas. Just ask if you can do more visits I'm sure they will oblige. I wasn't happy until I had two baby girls safely in my arms so just do what you need to do to keep as calm as possible. In my case this was sleep! Good luck with everything. X

Thank you everyone. I've come back to your lovely messages after my bath and I feel much better.

I will get intouch with mw tomorrow.

I was so invested in my first two pregnancies and after that I just detached. This one I did this whole "I'm not having a baby, I'm just going through some biological changes" thing and it has literally just hit me that there is a little person coming (God willing) at the end of it, that I need to start thinking about.

golemmings, I'm in London, unfortunately. Thank you very much for your kind offer though.

We live in a basement flat, which means there are some stairs to get down to our front door (abour four or five). Logically I think a sling or carrycot might be the best way. I have visions of not being able to leave the house all winter in case the steps are icy!

What do I do about the cat? My mum says that they just ignore babies and I should keep an eye on the basket and keep the bedroom door shut. She is stupidly mumsy (the cat, not my mother) and I'm worried she is going to get jealous.

even after only 1 mc I spent the whole time thinking it wouldn't work out so after what you have been through totally normal to feel like this.

do a list for baby and a list for your and your baby's hospital bags. You can get good lists if you google and there are some good lists on here :-)

for the hospital - clothes for you, nightdresses that you don't mind getting bloody, mags, music, batteries, charger for phone, energy drinks (non fizzy), maternity knickers or knickers that you can get blood on, camera, hairbrush, makeup if you use it, maternity pads, a pillow (for dh :-))

baby hospital bag - going home clothes, nappies, hat, blanket, vest and sleep suit, car seat, wipes.

once you are packed and have your cot looking nice it might feel more like it's happening - you sound like you've naturally protected yourself from the hurt and pain each mc has brought by expecting the worst - but your beautiful baby is going to be in your arms so soon

My cat is very possessive of me and transferred that to DS when he arrived. She stood guard next to his downstairs crib/outside bedroom door and glared at anyone who went near him! Just keep doors closed and an eye out, IMO cat nets are a waste of time.

If you're doing the sling thing and are worried about slipping in ice, get some Yaktrax, they're awesome.

I have nothing to add re all the practical stuff (lots of good suggestions here already), but just wanted to add my support.
I too had 3 MCs before 4th successful pregnancy and, like you said, felt quite detached. It helped my to feel DS1 move and to talk to him - when alone, otherwise I was too self-conscious.

Do speak to your MW - I am sure she will have heard similar worries before.

Re 'breaking the baby': babies are scary creatures, they are. I am saying this as a (now experienced) mother and as a dr (GP). However, they are also really, really tough and very good at teaching you what they like and what they do not appreciate.
My toptip: keep your baby close to you when he/she arrives. Lots of skin-to-skin (whether you are planning on Bfing or not), hold baby lots, enjoy snuggles, use a sling - so lovely when they are tiny (particularly a stretchy wrap ie Mobi).
Do NOT listen to any of the rod-for-own-back nonsense.
You will become an expert baby wrangler in no time, honest!

Btw, DS2 arrived at 31 weeks exactely 1 year after DS1's arrival. He was in SCBU for a while, home before his due date, weighing less than 5lbs.
One night, in a sleep-befuddled state, I dropped him off my arm onto uncarpeted wooden flooring - he was absolutely fine, I was a nervous wreck until he had been seen for his next follow-up (the next morning) and I confessed what had happened to the nurse. Her words: You're not the first and you won't be the last!

No idea about cats, sorry

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy x.

My 3 cats were scared shitless by DS, they wouldn't go anywhere near him (still won't, but that's because he grabs them!).

We had 3 cats when our little girl was born, no problems they gave her a wide berth. I did shut them out of the bedroom at night though, in case they thought the carrycot was a nice warm place to sleep.

Kiddicare.com has a sale on just now and they do next day delivery free if you spend over £30. I got a baby weavers car seat for £29.99 and a pram for £150 from there. You are totally normal, by the way. And you will be fine. Now get some cake :-)

Oh and if you have more questions once baby arrives I hear mumsnet is great for advice ;-)

My first pregnancy ended in quite a late stage loss, so the second time I was terrified. Your anixieties and fears are natural and normal, but very hard to bear, I know.

The best advice I ever got was to embrace the whole thing - to just let myself believe that this time it was going to be fine, and to start planning and buying and nesting. It was such a relief! Talk to the people around you about your feelings and try to believe that you really will be OK this time. Millions of women carry babies to term successfully in very stressful situations all over the world, all the time, and their kids end up absolutely fine.

I also relaxed a bit more at 32 weeks, because by then babies are sturdy and developed enough to survive very well if they do come early. You've probably got another six or eight weeks left to yourself before your brand new life starts, so get busy, get organised and pamper yourself silly while you can.

When we bought our first daughter back from hospital we stared at her, gulping hard and sweating profusely! Reality hits but it all fits into place no problem. The first night at home 'Raging Bull' was on the telly and I asked my OH if we should really be watching it with our daughter in the room!!! All 52cms of her!!

It might be worth looking at some of the lightweight pushchairs - wearing the baby is wonderful, but sometimes you will really want to put them in a pram or pushchair when you go out. There are Maclarens and Cossatos that are suitable for a newborn (lie flat, include a head hugger etc) especially if you won't be putting them in very often, and will be very light to manouevre down the stairs to the flat.

I understand your feelings of impending doom. I am pregnant with number four and currently have three boys. I can't shake the feeling that if I have a girl she will die. I really truly believe this and I don't know why. We won't find out the sex until mid September but I am keeping my fingers crossed for a boy.

Recommend Nipper 360 - light, sturdy and easy to bump down/pull up stairs.

polite I'm 33 weeks and I have the same sense of "doom" (and have done all the way through) and I'm also stupidly terrified I'll break the baby

You should look into a pram as some you need to order in (and you can get some kinds that the car seat clips onto which I think sounds handy).

I can't really add to the list as everyone's covered it all, I think - but wanted to say you're not the only one and good luck! :)

Just wanted to offer my support. Can't imagine how hard the m/cs must have been, but completely understand the feeling of trepidation and 'what the hell do I do?' That feeling where everyone else seems like an expert, and all of the advice seems like they're speaking a foreign language...(well, this is how I felt!)

This: People keep trying to talk to me about moses baskets and then going into a cot and I just think WHAT???? exactly.

Do get a few things at John Lewis, just so you have them there, and take some offers of stuff that you can fit in, but try not to worry. The thing is, you totally learn on the job. You don't have to assimilate all of the knowledge straight away. It all sort of happens in this continuous present and you will work out your own way of doing things. There are no real hard and fast rules. PLUS - what I sort of forgot - you can borrow/buy things AFTER the baby is born too. Once you know what you need in a concrete way, ie not in the abstract 'oh everyone says that's useful' way, it helps you feel a lot more in control. All the best.

Once you have the baby in your arms you will become more confident as you realise they don't break easily and are high little things :)

Oh and start getting stuff NOW -my ds was born at 32 weeks and dh had to do an emergency dash to Mothercare

Good luck xxx