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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is ignorance bliss?

26 replies

MaggieG83 · 16/08/2012 15:52

My husband is wonderful- he is kind and attentive and is a very devoted father. He spends hours feeding our DS and playing with him. He is reliable- he finishes work at 4 and I know 100% he will be home by 4:30 and will be with us, he spends all his time with us and I know his finances to the last penny- his salary comes into a joint account which I manage.

He has never given me any reason to be concerned- aside the fact that for the last 6 years he has been very secretive over his phone. He takes it everywhere including the loo and keeps it with him all the time- he never lets me look at it- same with his FB and emails- his passwords are all secret and he never lets me have a glimpse.

6 years back I came across emails between him and an old beau which were inappropriate- she lives in Boston. They never did anything- as she lives in Boston and as far as I know she is still there. We got over it and he was apologetic and said he wouldn?t speak to her again and I don?t think he has done, although I guess I cant be sure. Since then he has become very protective over everything- and whereas he is the perfect husband, he is making the fruit of temptation all the more tasty by how he is being. When confronted, we argue and then it all goes back to how it was- nothing comes out of it as he is adamant.

So am I being unreasonable? is ignorance really bliss?

Is there a clever resourceful way in which I can access his emails/FB/phone to ease my curiosity without him knowing? Or do I trust him and live under this cloud of suspicion? Or am I expecting too much from him?

Advice will be great

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 16/08/2012 15:54

I would say let sleeping dogs lie. He hasnt given you any other reason to mistrust him. If you keep on stirring it, and demanding to know every bit of his private life, (and he is entitled to that you know, you dont own him), then you are going to push him away.

mamamibbo · 16/08/2012 16:11

my husband is the same (without the emails) im not worried

squoosh · 16/08/2012 16:46

I don't agree with partners having each others email passwords, facebook passwords etc or even reading your partner's text messages . . . .

. . . . . however someone being obsessively protective about keeping their phone with them at all times (toilet) would rouse my suspicions. Certainly doesn't sound like he's being 'physically' unfaithful and he does sound like a great guy . . . . but as I say my suspicions would be roused.

TheCraicDealer · 16/08/2012 16:48

You're not really 100% ignorant though, are you? You know something is going on, the seed of doubt is there. It would only be blissful if you genuinely had no suspicions whatsoever.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/08/2012 16:59

Hes probably just looking at porn. Id leave him be.

ILiveInAPineapple · 16/08/2012 17:57

What do you actually think he is doing? He doesn't have any time unaccounted for by the sounds of things, and you know where all the money is, so what could he be doing?

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2012 18:15

I would think there was something very odd going on. How did you not come to an arrangement when you found out about the other woman six years ago?

cantspel · 16/08/2012 18:22

Maybe he is just making a point as he feels you are snooping on him?

If you have control of the money and he never goes missing at odd times what do you think he is doing?

Scarredbutnotbroken · 16/08/2012 18:27

Wouldn't work for me. Privacy and all that but a marriage should be a trusting relationship. If he seriously takes his phone to the toilet then there's something to hide!

CrispyCod · 16/08/2012 18:57

I agree withnScarred

I think it's difficult to live with suspicion, it eats away at you and it's destructive.

I wouldn't be strong enough to ignore it. I'd at least want to check his phone. If that was clear then I'd leave it at that. However, if there was anything dodgy there I would check emails etc and gather more evidence before confronting him.

Inneedofbrandy · 16/08/2012 19:02

But does he take his phone to the toilet because you have tried to snoop before. I take my phone everywhere even when im home alone and would never let DP have any passwords because thats my privacy.

You sound quite possesive and controlling tbh.

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2012 19:05

Can you not understand how your husband having an affair can change you into a suspicious person, brandy?

Inneedofbrandy · 16/08/2012 19:10

What affair ImperialBlether talking to a ex who lives in America is not having a affair even if was inappropriate. I personally would never snoop as hard as that is even though I am a nosey cow.

Annunziata · 16/08/2012 19:17

You're inbetween a rock and a hard place, I think. But he's not spending anything he shouldn't or going places he shouldn't sooo I think I would just leave it. I know it's much harder to say that than do it though.

Nagoo · 16/08/2012 19:29

I would want to find out, because I am too nosey.

But I know that NOTHING good can come of you snooping.

You'll either find out that he is cheating, or he'll find out you are snooping, and he might not have done anything wrong.

He's being the husband that you want. I would advise you to resist rocking the boat.

Nagoo · 16/08/2012 19:30

DH plays on his phone when he does a poo. I don't think it's supicious.

JumpingThroughHoops · 16/08/2012 21:10

If you dont trust him, then you don't have a relationship

Whatdoiknowanyway · 16/08/2012 22:55

I've been with my husband for 25 years and have never once checked his phone, email, mail without his permission. Why would I? They're his and he has a right to privacy. He doesn't check mine either.

Schoolworries · 16/08/2012 23:03

Op, I couldnt stand this if it were me. Its obvious he is hiding something.

I dont think you should be taken for a mug and should find out what it is he is hiding.

Its abnormal to be glued to your phone and so OTT about emails etc. the only person I knew like this was my ex, and Im afraid it was because he was cheating. Not saying your dh is, but something is possibly amiss.

Frankly your dh should be like an open book after betraying you once.

How you would find out the truth once and for all though, I dont know.

AgentZigzag · 16/08/2012 23:14

I wouldn't look on DHs computer/phone, not because I'd class that as snooping, but because they're just left laying about open all the time.

Knowing I could look reassures me DH hasn't got anything to hide.

If he was all secretive about them of course I'd want to know what was going on and would probably engineer a way to look.

I was going to say if it's not impinging on your life as it is and you're happy with your DH, just ignore it and carry on as you are. But then if he was up to something you have every right to know, and him exchanging inappropriate stuff with his ex has shown he's not to be trusted.

TalHotBrunette · 17/08/2012 08:36

I wouldn't snoop but if I ever asked to look at DH's phone / email account and he refused to let me that would ring alarm bells.

I think he knows most of my passwords and me his but that is only due to our having used each other's accounts legitimately in the past, I wouldn't go out of my way to give him new passwords for example

I have nothing to hide, I do hve a private life with friends etc but if he asked to look at anything I would show him. If he didn't afford me the same openness I would assume something was amiss.

TalHotBrunette · 17/08/2012 08:40

Agree with School if he has given you previous reason not to trust him then he should be an open book now, even if just to reassure you because that's what you do when you've hurt love someone you love and don't want to worry them any further.

Saltycopporn · 17/08/2012 10:56

I would be tempted to look but that's just me. If you need advice on how to hack his phone the best place is the private detective relationship board. They always seem quite imaginative.

Original poster

MaggieG83 · 17/08/2012 11:11

Hes probably just looking at porn. Id leave him be.
....................................................................

lol, im an open minded woman, i would understand- he doesnt need to hide that from me

What do you actually think he is doing? He doesn't have any time unaccounted for by the sounds of things, and you know where all the money is, so what could he be doing?
.....................................................................

LOL...i dont know, the suspense is killing me

How did you not come to an arrangement when you found out about the other woman six years ago?
.....................................................................

he said he wont speak to her again and we went through a rough patch. But we worked it out, he wasnt shady at first but it kind of crept up...and then gradually his secrecy escalated to where we are now. he did say he wont speak to her again and i am keeping close tabs on her (via her FB and his friends, that she is still in the US...although whether they speak via FB is still unknown)

Maybe he is just making a point as he feels you are snooping on him?
..........................................................................

its been 6 years- how much longer ?

CrispyCod- I'd at least want to check his phone. If that was clear then I'd leave it at that. However, if there was anything dodgy there I would check emails etc and gather more evidence before confronting him.
-------

But he takes it everywhere including the loo. And everything is password protected....how can i get his phone to have a look when he is so cautious never to leave it lying around???? same with his emails/FB

If he seriously takes his phone to the toilet then there's something to hide!
............................................................................

yup

If he was all secretive about them of course I'd want to know what was going on and would probably engineer a way to look.
---------

please PM me this resourceful way of looking without him finding out, just to ease my curiosity- i would settle for his FB and emails

But does he take his phone to the toilet because you have tried to snoop before.

....................................................................................

I have tried looking once or twice on the very very very few times he has been slightly careless- but havent got past the lock screen (the one with the dots and u have a secret pattern to unlock).....and he has caught me.

if he is doing nothing wrong- whats to hide?

Nagoo- you are right, although... - what is he hiding? why hide anything when he knows i will support him regardless. why is he so stubborn, so adament to keep his privacy?

How you would find out the truth once and for all though, I dont know.

there are plenty of intelligent ladies on this board- someone has to know a way

OP posts:

wineandroses · 17/08/2012 11:13

I agree with TalHotBrunette - he should be reassuring you that there is nothing for you to worry about, given that he has actually hurt you previously with his inappropriate email relationship with an ex. Instead he has become much more secretive, so I am not suprised that your suspicions are aroused; mine would be.

My DH tends to leave his phones/laptops etc unlocked, and isn't the slightest bit worried if I look through them, so I don't (much), because I have no need.

I don't think it is reasonable to try to hack into his phone or emails though. You need to be able to have a calm conversation about this, but if he insists that he 'must have his privacy' then I am not sure what you can do. If it were me, I'd be incredibly pissed off that he was unwilling to give me any sort of reassurance. Only you can decide if you can put your concerns to the back of your mind, but I suspect they will eat away at you, and at your relationship

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