AIBU to ask for for financial help with school uniform from exH?

[browniebear]

Ok we don't have the best relationship and at times things are very difficult.
He pays maintenance through the CSA and has done for about 3 months for our dc's.
Dd is 7 and this morning I rang to say we're going for new uniform next Friday and could he put towards or at least pay for some shoes?
To which his reply was 'is that not what I pay u every month for?'
I said fine if that's how u see it I'll manage somehow and put the phone down.
Is it normal to get extra help for expensive times of the year? I do pay for brownies/Ice skating/ swimming and never ask for anything
AIBU?

Yabu. Maintenance is to cover his share of all expenses relating to the child.

YABU. He is correct.

New school uniform is not an unexpected surprise expense.

yeah, sorry, yabu.. worth a try though,

Depends on your circumstances I guess and his financial stance. However he does pay maintenance and as posted I know hobbies are important but not really necessary. School uniform and shoes etc are quite reasonable now.

yabu my arse. I bet he pays fuck all maintenance and not close enough to actually cover the childrens expenses, like uniforms.

Of course he should pay towards it, they are his children.

Would be good if he could provide little extra treats if he can afford (sometging you both could do), but the maintenance he pays IS his share of the costs of any essentials for your child.

School shoes are an essential

It depends how much he pays you for maintenance.

If its a decent amount then YABU, if it's next to nothing then there's no harm in asking.

My ex gives me what the CSA says he should give based on his income, but he didn't reduce it when he had another child and he often has them more than the one night we used when we used the CSA calculator. He gives me money for school uniform, shoes. Activities, birthday parties etc. But we have a good relationship.

Yanbu. He's their dad and should contribute. My exp is an arse but normally coughs up if he can. However, when we split he changed to self employed and pays the absolute minimum for his kids and hides the rest away for himself. I always ask for contributions but it's like getting blood out of a stone sometimes.

To my mind he should also pay half towards the school uniform or at least like you said, contrubute the shoes. Maintenance (agreed through CSA bodies etc.) just about covers food, sox and pants!

Hmm ok thanks everyone I'll calm down and sort it myself

He has already contributed and you should have budgeted accordingly. You should not be spending money on brownies etc. until you have paid for the necessities first. How would you feel if instead of giving the child support one month he bought an new bike or toy for the kids? By using the child support you receive on non essentials you are effectively doing the same, squandering the child's finances.

You're not unreasonable to ask for him to contribute to such costs, but he is not legally obliged to help. Whether he's morally obliged to help would depend on how much he earns and how much maintenance he pays.

I disagree with you lot saying OP is being unreasonable.
My parents who are divorced use to split the cost of uniform, swimming/brownies fees etc in the middle. Dad also paid maintenance - mum spent that on food, rent & petrol to take me to school/clubs

Nannyto2 my exp pays next to nothing and as such, knowing he can very well afford to pay more, I don't feel at all unreasonable asking for him to contribute!

He pays you maintenance. I agree that these expenses should come out of that.

Yabu to think he has to. But yanbu to think he might.
It depends oh how much he is paying.
The money you get includes money for school uniform (essentials) so he has already paid towards it.
However some nrp choose to put money in for these thing as well. But are not obliged too.
A few months ago a woman posted here she had spent £40 (could have been more) and wanted her ex to pay half, despite him paying alot (her admission) and her not discussing it before hand. she then complained about how much the shoes cost.
I am using this to situation to show an example where the RP is bu by asking for more.

I think it depends on how much he earns and his circumstances and how much he is already paying. Though I appreciate that the maintenance is supposed to cover things like school uniform. However, if it was me I would expect help with extras if my ex could afford it.

Bringing up kids is not a standard thing financially. Sometimes it's less sometimes it's MUCH more, he should WANT to contribute at such times for the extras because I know I always go the extra mile financially and otherwise for my dc.

Sadly there are many men and women too, yay for the sisterhood who believe that once they've chucked their usually pitiful child support in your direction that's their job done.

My ex is giving me slightly extra next month because dd is having her first birthday party, which will be costly and he goes half on Christmas presents too. If he has a bonus he will buy new clothes for the kids too. Guess I'm lucky. However ALL my money goes on supporting my kids.

YANBU to ask.

Am disgusted by some of the attitudes on this thread.

I think the whole system is designed to cause conflict

Once we get 50-50 shared-care things will be better

We split all costs 50-50, the child benefit is 50-50 as well.

"However ALL my money goes on supporting my kids."

What do you live off then

Perhaps the CSA maintenance is the OP receives is only £12 a week...or £7...

Maintanance is for the extra neccessary costs occurred by the resident parent over and above the costs of the non resident parent. Not an exact science but it is a % of earnings so that it likely coincides with a similar cost of living previously enjoyed. However you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work out that both people from a broken couple will not be as well of as before as now 2 homes need to be run where before there was only 1.

Both people have to run homes with all linked costs, both have to feed and clothe children in those homes, both will contribute to activities and trips/holidays that ey take child to or on.

Therefore maintenance and child benefit also received by resident parent should cover rest, such as school uniform and additional meals during the extra time spent with resident parent.
Some one on a high wage contributes more but that is so the standard of living doesn't change too dramatically.

YABU if putting luxuries over uniform.

If his maintainance, you matching the amount plusnadding tax credits and child benefit doesnt cover the basics then you would be reasonable to ask after showing him the figures. However all those together should easily feed and clothe a child. Any extras you choose for them to do you should fund just as he should if on his time and choices.

if he pays a reasonable sum then yabu but if he pays £5 pw or another low amount then yanbu but all he has to pay is what the csa tell him to.

if my kids lived elsewhere i would make sure i paid extra for large expenses but nobody could make me if i paid via the csa i would because i think its the right thing to do.