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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that ex is...no wait hear full story before you decide

38 replies

omfgkillmenow · 16/08/2012 01:25

Ex FIL died on friday. I made arrangements to go to funeral, booked time off etc...ex (of 8 years) told me yesterday he doesn't want me there. I had already expressed my wishes to go pay respects, sit at back, not interfere with close family by text. called to confirm times and he said he didn't want me there. I saw ex FIL at least 2 times a week, in street, in shops, always spoke, gave him a lift with his shopping a couple of times. he always asked about DD, sometimes if she was with me gave her a pound for sweets etc. I think he is being unreasonable, because this is a man I liked and didnt like IYKWIM sometimes he would say nasty things when i was at CSA for ex etc but still was a gentleman I respected. Now Im not gonna go, and maybe its because last time me and ex were in this church we were getting married, but do you not think its a bit unreasonable that I am not welcome to go to pay respects to my FIL? (we are seperated not divorced) I was crying over it yesterday but today am feeling aa bit Confused its a small village, more than half villiage will be there, I dont want folk to think I did not respect FIL, but at the same time if ex doesnt want me there then feel should respect his wishes...

OP posts:
RubyFakeNails · 16/08/2012 01:30

His Father, so his choice.

I wouldn't want an ex at either of my parents funerals no matter how well they got on.

LastMangoInParis · 16/08/2012 01:32

Difficult to form an opinion and then express requisite outrage against or in favour of Ex without knowing a bit more...
Has Ex really not given you more of an indication about why he doesn't want you there? And if not, have you asked him? And if you haven't asked, why not?

tartyflette · 16/08/2012 01:35

Funerals held in a church are not exactly closed, if you slipped in late, just as it starts, and sat at the back, then left just before the end he probably won't even see you -- he will be seated at the front with the family. And is this man not your DD's grandfather? Will she be going?

AgentZigzag · 16/08/2012 01:36

You don't need to show the other people in the village that you and your ex FIL had a mutual respect, they'll probably know that anyway knowing what village life is like.

I would say you're right to not go if it's going to cause any upset to your ex, of course anyone can go to anyone else's funeral, but if there's a risk it'd cause a scene it's only reasonable to think twice about it. (although that's not to say there aren't other situations where people have a 'right' to go to funerals when other people don't want them there).

It's a difficult time all round, and I'm sorry for your DD to have lost her grandad who obviously made an effort to keep in contact (possibly more than just his 'gentlemanliness' required?).

oooohhhhyes · 16/08/2012 01:40

Sorry to hear sad news. I think it's his call though, despite him being a jerk about it. Could you send flowers to funeral and a card to family (Ie ex MiL?) to show your respect?

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 16/08/2012 01:45

I would find it a bit weird if my ex turned up to my parents funeral. Pretty shitty but I'd probably do the same as your ex and tell them no.

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 16/08/2012 01:49

yeah he was a good man even if we didnt always see eye to eye. I was expecting to attend funeral more as a friend than a family member, but i wont go, because it is ex's father and Im sure he needs to grieve his way. I really was grieved when he died, ex's niece, (one of my best friends) assumed I would be there with DD. DD is 8 and tbh I dont thnk ex handled telling her very well, I told her that papa was not feeling well in hospital, next day dad turned up and said oh papa deid, she couldnt even understand. but my neice said she would take her, but i said better not. I spoke to my best frind and she thought it was unusual for people to attend that were not close family, but ex told me that church would be full and no room for me, and why would I need to go/ I said, jsut to pay my respects, he said why would you? I said do you not want me there? he said no. I said OK and put phone down. I was really upset, on the day and next day, i went into shop where I usually bump into FIL and realised that id never see him again and ended up crying and leaving shop. I am genuinely grieved but i suppose ex comes first, I would go against his wishes, so I will stay away. I am just hurting tho, i guess a funeral brings closure and I wanted to pay respects but am not going to be able to. I would expect him to have come to my funeral if I had died. I will just take DD to grave aftera ll over to say goodbye. But small village temprement, i dont want them thinkng i didnt care about him. I guess who cares what they think, but was genuinely hurt i wasnt welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 16/08/2012 01:53

to put it in context, i have been married before and if my first exes husband died I wouldnt go, but difference is i hadnt seen him for years. but this man i saw around village all the time, and we had a relationship, even if it was sometimes strianed. I can understand thouse of you saying that exes wouldnt attent, but this is a small village, and I say him weekly if not more.

OP posts:
Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 16/08/2012 01:57

theres no ex MIL, there was only ex and his sister, and her daughter, (one of my best friends). she said i was welcome, but would not go, i know ex is grieving and i dont want to make it worse. I am grieving too I guess, i feel so sad i will never see him again. theres nothing much else to say really, he was a grumpy old man who had a kind heart and was a big part of my life. And now hes gone.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/08/2012 01:58

Can you guess at the reason why he might not like you there? Because it'd genuinely upset him, or perhaps as a bit of a dig at you/control?

Do you think what he said about you going would really apply to his DD too? Why isn't he taking her?

Wowserz129 · 16/08/2012 01:59

I wouldn't go. Have to respect family wishes and you don't need to go to funeral to pay respects. You could lay flowers at grave after etc.,. X

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 16/08/2012 02:03

also me and ex are not enemies. last week he came fitted my new dishwasher, he has a cuppa while waiting on dd to get ready, thing is we are not arch enemies, we chat, nothing personal but pass time of day, we are not the typical exes who hate sight of each other, we can talk rationally about dd and both try hard to do the right thing by her etc

OP posts:
Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 16/08/2012 02:06

i think he doesnt want me to go because it will upset him. i dont think its a dig at me at all. im just sad is all. thank you all for your support. ex is not a bad man in any way, just private I guess. maybe if i am there he will feel worse and hence, i am not going. I just wanted people to know, even if MN strangers, that i respected FIL. I just needed to let it out, thanks for listening.

OP posts:
lovebunny · 16/08/2012 02:07

don't take it to heart.
don't go if he says not, his dad and all. he might be using it to get at you but let him get away with it on this occasion. he might not be able to deal with it. he might be taking someone else.
let friends, other relatives know why you won't be there, so that the word can go round that you're respecting the ex's expressed wish.
later, go to put flowers on the grave, or make some other kind of memorial.

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 16/08/2012 02:08

DD is 8, and said she didnt want to go.

OP posts:
TheSkiingGardener · 16/08/2012 04:48

You had a relationship with this man. It is his funeral. I would say go, slip in quietly at the back or even stand in the porch but be there.

JumpingThroughHoops · 16/08/2012 06:02

I'm really on the fence on this one.

On one hand I believe churches are open places and no one has the right to bar anyone from going. On the other family wishes come into play. (I have been to a funeral where it's all kicked off, not pleasant). Then again, small village mentality - everyone goes and it's going to be obvious if you haven't been.

Is it perhaps that the rest of your Exs family dislike you?

skiing has the best solution. Slip unobtrusively in at the back, and leave before you are seen.

Just checking, EXFIL is your DDs granddad? If so, then I find it odd she isn't going either.

allnewtaketwo · 16/08/2012 06:20

I think the advice some have given to just 'slip in' regardless is very bad advice. YWBU to attend given his son explicitly said he does not want you there. The last thing anyone surely wants at a funeral is people rowing. Don't go.

DozyDuck · 16/08/2012 06:41

If my DSs dad passed I would be gutted, he is a lovely man. My ex was abusive and is not very nice to me at all and we communicate mainly through his dad.

However, I'd ex said he didn't want me there, there is no way i would go.

Your DFil wouldn't want you to upset his son more at such a difficult time and it wouldn't be respectful to go.

You can go and take some flowers later.

DozyDuck · 16/08/2012 06:43

Tbh if you went when your ex said don't go it will look worse for you as ex will be telling people he asked you not to come, or exes family will.

JumpingThroughHoops · 16/08/2012 06:44

The OP has already said the sister is her best friend, what if the sister asked the OP to go for support?

It's it's unfair of the EX to issue diktats but we all grieve in different ways.

BulldogDrummond · 16/08/2012 06:48

My Ex didn't want me at my ExMIL's funeral. Why? Because he took his long time girlfriend instead but I only found out afterwards. Grapevines speak.

bonkersLFDT20 · 16/08/2012 06:59

I am sorry you are grieving. I hope you have the time and space you need right now.
Could you go and talk to the vicar of the church? He/she will probably have some very wise words on how you can show your respect in other ways, while respecting the wishes of your ex.
People are right, the church is open to all, but I imagine you would not feel comfortable just turning up.
Whatever happens, you have your memories.

ratspeaker · 16/08/2012 07:52

If you get on reasonably with your ex there must be some other reason he doesn't want y ou there. Could it be he doesn't want you to see him vulnerable?

If you are worried about what folk think you can drop it into conversation next time in the shop, ie it will be funeral on whatever day, ex H has asked me not to attend, bit sad, but I'll respect the family wishes.

Kayano · 16/08/2012 08:01

YABU

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