to think that ex is...no wait hear full story before you decide

[omfgkillmenow]

Ex FIL died on friday. I made arrangements to go to funeral, booked time off etc...ex (of 8 years) told me yesterday he doesn't want me there. I had already expressed my wishes to go pay respects, sit at back, not interfere with close family by text. called to confirm times and he said he didn't want me there. I saw ex FIL at least 2 times a week, in street, in shops, always spoke, gave him a lift with his shopping a couple of times. he always asked about DD, sometimes if she was with me gave her a pound for sweets etc. I think he is being unreasonable, because this is a man I liked and didnt like IYKWIM sometimes he would say nasty things when i was at CSA for ex etc but still was a gentleman I respected. Now Im not gonna go, and maybe its because last time me and ex were in this church we were getting married, but do you not think its a bit unreasonable that I am not welcome to go to pay respects to my FIL? (we are seperated not divorced) I was crying over it yesterday but today am feeling aa bit its a small village, more than half villiage will be there, I dont want folk to think I did not respect FIL, but at the same time if ex doesnt want me there then feel should respect his wishes...

Strange that it is your ex fil's funeral and his grandaughter won't be at it.

My ds told me my ex was coming to my mums funeral and I was a little bit , but TBH it was lovely to see him there, in fact I feel it turned a bit of a corner in our relationship.
We'll never be best friends but I had huge respect for him coming.

anniewoo why is that strange that the 8 year old doesn't want to go? my 9 year old didn't want to go to his grandmothers.

I do think if he has asked you not to attend then you shouldn't.

I told my exH that I didn't want him to attend my mums funeral, the decision is not yours to make and you should respect his wishes.

I don't think you should go.

I was beyond devastated at my parents' funerals and I would not have expected anyone to make that even harder. There is obviously a reason that he does not want you to go and I think you should respect that. It's not about what other people in the village think just now it's about this mans close family so you could lay some flowers on his grave when the funeral is over.

Don't go. out of respect for your ex...don't go.

I dont think OP is being unreasonable to want to go.

When my FIL died, my husbands ex wife came to the funeral, and even though I dont like the woman, and we do not get on, we had no problem with her being there, as at one time she was also his DIL too, and is still the mother of his grandchildren.

However if the ex is adamant that he does not want OP there, then perhaps just sending some flowers and a card would be ok.

It sounds like the FIL didnt really know his granddaughter very well though if all he did was ask after her and give her a pound if they met in the street.

You're not unreasonable to want to go but I suppose in his grief he's not unreasonable to ask you not to. Death makes people act in all sorts of ways, best to not try and rationalise his behaviour right now, doubt he's thinking rationally.

I didn't go, I will go to grave soon and take flowers. Thank you everyone for your advice.

I think you did the right thing omfg.

Really and truly we don't actually need to go to a funeral to pay our respects.

I am sorry for your loss. I think this is the better and kinder way to pay your last respects.

YANBU for wanting to go and you are also doing the right thing by not going now that your ex has asked you not too. You sound really nice actually :)

Why don't you and you'd daughter mark the day in an other way, maybe you could plant something in the garden and take turns to say things that you remember about him.

YABU.

It is your ex DPS from 8 years ago. He has expressed his wishes that you not be there, therefore you shouldn't be. It is his dad afterall and maybe he wants to concentrate on that rather than having you there.