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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to feel guilty?!

27 replies

Igglepiggle999 · 15/08/2012 18:48

New to mumsnet after being recommended by a friend!
Me and my other half have recently got back together after a split, although whilst on this split we were meeting occasionally however nothing more than a few kisses happened here and there and it was my decision not to take it any further I.e : get back together.
We planned a holiday to see if that would help us and help me be able to give it a proper go and he paid for it with me paying my half at the end of the month.
It never got to the holiday as we worked things out beforehand but we did have a Convo about anything that happened whilst apart and he denied seeing / sleeping / talking to anyone online etc and he denied all of the above.
Comes out that was all bullshit.
In the time apart, he had a friend he slept with a few times, he was also talking to her about us and searching dating websites trying to arrange dates although he didn't actually meet anyone.
I found out through his sister of all people and this was only a few weeks back.
At first he was devastated it had all come out and even said "you sleep with someone else if it will make you forgive me" but now fast forward a few weeks and he says he was wrong for lying when
Asked but he didn't cheat or actually do anything was wrong!
I think he did as he was constantly begging me to come back to him and I'd agreed to the holiday yet he was still sleeping with her.
To top it they carried on talking / texting after we got back together although he insists it was only as a friend about us and how glad he was it all worked out.
His sister said she deffo did know as she mentioned it to her so I don't think he was intending to carry on sleeping with her as if so why bother telling her.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Musomathsci · 15/08/2012 18:50

Walk away, walk away, please, please, walk away.

JockSprockPooPongMcPlop · 15/08/2012 18:55

It doesn't matter if you're unreasonable or not. He's a prick. Find someone better.

DozyDuck · 15/08/2012 19:03

He lied, he is unreasonable. Walk away.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2012 19:04

YABU to expect anything of this 'man', he's obviously incapable of anything approaching normal behaviour. All the "whilst on this split we were meeting occasionally" - that was him keeping you on the back burner in case nothing better came along. You'd have been unceremoniously dumped if it had.

Retain your dignity and self-esteem, dump him now. He will never be faithful.

Original poster
Igglepiggle999 · 15/08/2012 19:06

Really?
Literally every single one of my friends and even family members have said I was in the wrong and wasn't with him at the time so he was free
To do as he wished

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 15/08/2012 19:06

Don't think what he did when you were apart was wrong but he shouldn't have lied about it when you were trying to make a new go of it.

LindyHemming · 15/08/2012 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JumpingThroughHoops · 15/08/2012 19:13

I would agree. If you aren't in a relationship, then you are free to do what you want.

I don't agree with him being accused of keeping you on the back burner though. Takes 2 to tango.

Two questions - why is his sister shit stirring?

and exactly why are you entertaining a liar?

mayorquimby · 15/08/2012 19:15

Especially when the op says she was the one deciding not to get back together, doesn't exactly make it seem like he was the one keeping someone on the back burner

Original poster
Igglepiggle999 · 15/08/2012 19:16

Just to confirm,
It was me who didn't want to be with him during the spilt.
Each time we would meet he would beg me
To come back and I would say no.
Not sure it makes a difference but just wanted to clear that up!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2012 19:22

So he's begging you to come back to him, whilst trawling dating sites and shagging a friend? Yes, he was free to do what he liked - and what he liked was other women. So all his begging was lies.

mayorquimby · 15/08/2012 19:30

Well yeah.
If she's saying I don't want to be with you I'm not going to blame him for seeing other women. It doesn't make the begging lies, he's back with her now so obviously there was some truth to it.
If anyone, male or female, told me "X slept with other people when we were broken up and I kept telling them I didn't want to be together" then I see nothing wrong with what X has done.

Obviously the op is uncomfortable with this and the lies so maybe they shouldn't be together, but I wouldn't expect someone to not see other people when they've been turned down by someone else.

I don't think there'd be the same harsh responses towards a woman who was begging her ex to take her back, who kept meeting up with her and making out but telling her nothing was going to happen and then he got pissed off with her for seeing someone else while she was single. They'd rightly be told he was trying to have his cake and eat it and he'd probably be labelled the bastard in that scenario also

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2012 19:55

" I wouldn't expect someone to not see other people when they've been turned down by someone else."
I can see what you mean - but - he's begging her to come back to him. It suggests he's focussed on her, wants her and nobody else unless he's used to having at least two on the go at all times. So, yes, to me it would be a big surprise that he was shagging/trawling websites for other women whilst protesting his love for me, to me. And having found out that this had been the case, I'd get my bargepole out.

mayorquimby · 15/08/2012 20:03

It suggests he's focussed on her, wants her and nobody else

And she kept meeting up with him, letting things get physical and then rejecting him.
I'm not going to apportion blame to anyone in that situation who thinks "chances are this may not happen" and explores other options.

mummyonvalium · 15/08/2012 20:06

You had split so IMO he was free to do what he wanted. People have sex for all sorts of reasons which aren't good - sometimes loneliness can be a driving factor. To think that he does not love you because he slept with someone else whilst you were not together is definitely looking at things too simplistically.

The fact that he lied about it probably means that he did not want to blow his chance with you. He saw it as his one chance to get back and he took it. I think most people would do the same - it is just a question of whether they are prepared to be honest with themselves about it.

Think seriously before you make a decision to dump him and also think seriously about his sister's motivation in all this.

Original poster
Igglepiggle999 · 15/08/2012 20:25

His sister told me as she assumed he had been honest.
It came up in a more " do you think she wanted more out or it " and me going "huh, who?" duh

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 15/08/2012 22:41

If someone was sleeping with someone else and trawling dating sites while asking me to resume a relationship with them I'd be questioning their commitment to our relationship tbh.

geegee888 · 15/08/2012 22:50

He doesn't sound like a nice man.

But then I have an aversion to sleaze, or what in my mind I suspect might be connected to sleaze. The quick turning to online dating (I am sure there are a few nice men on there but the minute I hear of a man being on it is enough to put me right off) and using a friend to sleep with (not much of a friend to her then!) would taint him in my eyes. Its not good behaviour; a decent man I would expect in this situation to be celibate and let his life settle down, or perhaps at the most have a quick fling if he met someone by chance. Not immediately advertise himself on the internet as being available while using a "friend" to fill his needs.

Sleazy. Ugh.

I actually once turned down an ex who wanted to get back together, simply because I found out he had been on a dating site 6 months previously. Just put me right off and could never see him in the same way again.

Original poster
Igglepiggle999 · 15/08/2012 23:08

Thanks for all your replies,
Guess everyone sees it differently.
You're all right, he didn't cheat but how he behaved whilst attempting to
Persuade me to sort things out are questionable at the very least.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 15/08/2012 23:12

He didn't technically cheat, but he shouldn't have lied.

Can you trust him?

Original poster
Igglepiggle999 · 16/08/2012 09:00

I thought I could trust him but obviously this has made me
Doubt a lot of things.
It's mainly why he bothered booking the holiday and persuading me to go if he was gonna sleep with someone else on the night he booked it anyway?!
And also when we were back together, he seemed so happy that we were working it out yet was still ringing her every few
Days.
Which doesn't make sense as he did tell her about us so maybe it was as he felt a not guilty towards her or thought they could still be friends? No idea just doesn't fit right with me.

OP posts:
SailorSoldier · 16/08/2012 09:40

Do NOT go back to this man. Leave. Now.

Exactly the same thing happened to me - he left because he'd found someone "better", but when she said she wouldn't leave her partner for him he came crawling back to me.
I wish I'd been strong enough to say no.

Trust me, it's not worth the hassle and heartache, it really isn't. He's just keeping you sweet in case he doesn't find someone else.

Pseudo341 · 16/08/2012 12:25

He didn't cheat but he lied, in fact he lied about sleeping with someone else. Do you really think it's a good idea to continue a relationship with him?

SoleSource · 16/08/2012 12:53

Agree with jumping. I would neber trust a word he said to ke ever again. Tour life is worth shit with this man. Good luck as you will seriously need it.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/08/2012 12:59

It sounds to me like he's the sort of bloke that can't be on his own, he always needs to know he's got someone somewhere. Maybe that's because of insecurity or something, but I don't think he did anything wrong by seeing someone else. He was wrong to lie about it,but presumably he thought that if you knew you wouldn't get back with him.

I think you need to think about whether he really loves you or if he loves the security of being with you more. Does he love you, or does he love how you make him feel? It doesn't sound like he's a bad person, but he may be far from the ideal partner.

Why didn't you want to get back with him and why did you split with him in the first place? Has anything really changed, or has a plaster just been temporarily stuck over the cracks?