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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has sister-in-law overstepped the mark?

53 replies

forkandspade · 15/08/2012 14:30

I am looking for some unbiased opinions on a situation I have experienced recently with my sister-in-law.

My youngest son has recently turned 18. At the time, he was on holiday with school friends but he had a few cards from friends and family early which he took away to open on the day. He returned for a few hours on the following Saturday, and departed the following day for a second week away with a youth group. It was after his return from his second week away, 13 days after his birthday, that he made phone calls to all grandparents thanking them for their birthday gifts
.
My sister-in-law sent a text to my husband two days after this asking my husband to "check/ensure" my son sent a text or made a phone call to his grandmother (her mother) as the grandmother had previously told her she had not heard from my son. I was very upset at what I perceived to be interference and sent her a text saying I didn't think the communication between my son and his grandmother was anything to do with her and asking her to please mind her own business. Thinking that was the end of that I was then surprised and very upset when, later that evening, she and her husband knocked on my door wanting me to apologise! Not wanting an argument I went upstairs as my husband had invited them in. My husband told her he didn't think her text was appropriate, although I would have preferred him not to invite them in and be stronger in our defence.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that my sister-in-law and her mother should not be discussing my son in the first place? Is it reasonable for my sister-in-law to tell my husband what to tell our son? I feel that the mere fact she sent my husband her text she must have thought there was a chance we would not advise our own son appropriately, which offends me. Am I over-reacting? Should she apologise to me for interfering or do I owe her an apology for anything?

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 15/08/2012 14:34

I think you're both being oversensitive and a bit petty, tbh.

Your DS did the right thing, your SIL should have kept her beak out, but you shouldn't have said anything to her either.

6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

PenisVanLesbian · 15/08/2012 14:37

YABU. Why should a woman and her mother not talk about their nephew/grandson, if they wish? You sound very controlling.

Her text might have been inappropriate but your reaction was worse.

DozyDuck · 15/08/2012 14:37

You should have said 'DS was on holiday, he called as soon as he returned, thank you for your concern over my DSs manners'

She was being out of order, you could have approached her better, you should have stayed downstairs and dealt with her face to face yourself instead of going upstairs :)

Nancy66 · 15/08/2012 14:37

I can't see anything wrong with what she did. She communicated with her own brother about THEIR mother.

I think you were very rude.

I can easily see myself sending such a text to my sister.

Teenage boys aren't always the most considerate - nothing wrong with her nudging your brother in a 'don't forget that x needs to ring mum or she'll be upset' way.

lljkk · 15/08/2012 14:38

Your SIL should communicate with your 18yo ADULT son & tell him if she thinks he owes a thank you to someone. That would still be interfering, of course. Is the Granny vulnerable individual or likely to have felt very hurt about a delayed thank you?

WilsonFrickett · 15/08/2012 14:39

My family do this all the time

TXT from DBro: Sis, call mum, she's stressing you've had a crash cos you didn't call her

TXT from DM: Call your DSD tomorrow, it's his birthday

Your SIL has had a convo with your Mum, she's texted you to say your mum is upset. She actually wasn't interfering, she was telling you that your MIL was pissed off that your son hadn't called her.

As for 'my sister-in-law and mother-in-law should not be discussing my son in the first place' - it was his 18th birthday! Of course they were discussing him, but probably in the nicest, most general terms, as in 'what did you get him, did you remember to post a card, etc'.

YABU. And very touchy. And your son should have called his grandparents on the Saturday he was home IMHO.

KickTheGuru · 15/08/2012 14:40

This sounds like my family saga

Are you an aunt?

FerrisBueller1972 · 15/08/2012 14:41

I think your initial text to her was a bit off imo, bit snippy - but this might just be your way. Sil was probably just trying to ensure that her mum got a thank you as it had been nearly 2 weeks (she perhaps hadn't been told that the grandmother had received a call already) and was giving your dh a nudge?

As for them turning up, perhaps they wanted to talk it out as opposed to texting back and forth, then again it seems an aggresive move. For you to then go upstairs, I don't get that? Were they shouting the odds or being physically aggressive?

Why can they not 'discuss' your son, do you own the rights to that or something?

As for who should be apologising to who I think neither, I would have a conversation between adults and sort it out.

EMS23 · 15/08/2012 14:42

Half and half. I don't think your SIL did anything too bad in sending your DH the text, mums and daughters are going to discuss this stuff.
Turning up on your doorstep wanting you to apologise was quite confrontational of her but you should've dealt with it there and then.

I'd let it lie now, suggest a truce and give your SIL a courtesy call to smooth things over perhaps.

lurcherlover · 15/08/2012 14:42

I would talk to my mum about my nephew, and remind my brother a thank-you was in order if necessary. Can't see an issue with that.

Also, in the days of mobiles it's not beyond unreasonable to think that your son might have found five minutes while he was away to call his grandparents. And he was home on the Saturday in between the two holidays so could certainly have done it then.

Your reaction was way over the top and you were very unreasonable.

lljkk · 15/08/2012 14:45

Why can't Granny get in touch herself with grandson if she's got hurt feelings?

DH is in his mid 30s & his Mum STILL reminds him to send Birthday cards to aunties & cousins.

I can barely remember ever receiving gifts from my Grandparents, and never from Aunts or Uncles.

MagicHouse · 15/08/2012 14:45

I think her text was ok - maybe you misinterpreted it? (Or maybe as you know her well, you know it to be a dig at your son?)

I think your reply was a bit harsh. I love the one suggested by DozyDuck! It all sounds like a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. Being me I would try to diffuse it now - I hate any sort of feuds! I would probably say "sorry if I seemed snappy, I read your text as a very unfair dig at my son's manners" and see what she says.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2012 14:48

Is there some sort of "history" between you and your husband's sister? Because you did seem to me to be very quick jumping down her throat post-text.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/08/2012 14:49

50/50 for me. There's nothing wrong with her discussing other family members, but her and her husband turning up on your doorstep ... Hmm They need a life.

Callisto · 15/08/2012 14:50

Actually, I think you were beyond rude to send that text OP, especially when the text your SIL sent was to your husband, and not to you at all. Asking a brother to remind his son to say thanks for a present sounds very par for the course to me. You sound oversensitive and petty.

Original poster
forkandspade · 15/08/2012 14:51

Thanks for responses so far. I had felt my own response was a little hasty and I should have allowed some time to pass and respond in a calmer way. I also agree my son could have texted or phoned sooner - that's not the issue. It's more I resent the critical way my MIL SIL got involved. I would have thought my MIL should have spoken to my husband or my son directly if she had concerns about our son rather than my SIL. It feels like they're discussing us behind our backs. We're capable parents and don't need someone to "remind" us to get our ADULT son to do his thankyous.

I'm just trying to get this in perspective.....

OP posts:
wimblehorse · 15/08/2012 14:52

Why did you reply to a text that your SIL sent to her brother?
That is just as "interfering" as her stepping into the relationship between your son and his grandmother...

tiggytape · 15/08/2012 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett · 15/08/2012 14:53

Maybe if you had reminded him he wouldn't have taken 13 days to do it?

PandaNot · 15/08/2012 14:55

Yabu. Families do this all the time, talk about other family members that is.

Lambzig · 15/08/2012 14:56

I think a bit 50/50.

Nothing wrong with her and your MIL talking, perfectly natural and I dont think her first text was so bad.

As her text was to your DH not you, why do you feel that you have to reply? My DH would be mortified if I responded to his family about texts/meassages they sent to him.

It was incredibly rude of you to reply like that and weird of her to turn up on your doorstep.

I think you have overreacted and really need to forget about this now.

squeakytoy · 15/08/2012 14:56

I think yabu really. Your husbands mother probably mentioned in conversation to her daughter that she was worried a present had not been received. Older people do worry about things like that, my own MIL does.

Your SIL is entitled to discuss her nephew with her own mother, and also to let her own brother know that their mother was upset.

You on the other hand sound hard work.

Your son was rude not to have thanked her earlier (as you agree).

Lambzig · 15/08/2012 14:58

Of course your MIL and SIL discuss your family, the neighbours, mutual friends etc. Its what people do.

PenisVanLesbian · 15/08/2012 14:58

i thought the sil had txted OP. Far worse again that she replied to a text that was sent to someone else. Shockingly bad manners.

AgentProvocateur · 15/08/2012 14:58

I bet your MIL said to your SIL, "I sent x money in an envelope for his 18th and I've not heard anything. What if it's got lost in the post?" and your SIL contacted your DH to stop their mum worrying.

I think you were rude with your text, sorry. And I think your son was rude not to get in touch for a fortnight if it was a present that was sent by post. Less rude if it was one that was delivered in person.

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