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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Has sister-in-law overstepped the mark?

53 replies

forkandspade · 15/08/2012 14:30

I am looking for some unbiased opinions on a situation I have experienced recently with my sister-in-law.

My youngest son has recently turned 18. At the time, he was on holiday with school friends but he had a few cards from friends and family early which he took away to open on the day. He returned for a few hours on the following Saturday, and departed the following day for a second week away with a youth group. It was after his return from his second week away, 13 days after his birthday, that he made phone calls to all grandparents thanking them for their birthday gifts
.
My sister-in-law sent a text to my husband two days after this asking my husband to "check/ensure" my son sent a text or made a phone call to his grandmother (her mother) as the grandmother had previously told her she had not heard from my son. I was very upset at what I perceived to be interference and sent her a text saying I didn't think the communication between my son and his grandmother was anything to do with her and asking her to please mind her own business. Thinking that was the end of that I was then surprised and very upset when, later that evening, she and her husband knocked on my door wanting me to apologise! Not wanting an argument I went upstairs as my husband had invited them in. My husband told her he didn't think her text was appropriate, although I would have preferred him not to invite them in and be stronger in our defence.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that my sister-in-law and her mother should not be discussing my son in the first place? Is it reasonable for my sister-in-law to tell my husband what to tell our son? I feel that the mere fact she sent my husband her text she must have thought there was a chance we would not advise our own son appropriately, which offends me. Am I over-reacting? Should she apologise to me for interfering or do I owe her an apology for anything?

OP posts:

Paiviaso · 15/08/2012 14:58

I would be annoyed with SILs text as well. I think you did respond rather aggressively though, and could have told it was not her business in a softer way.

It sounds bizarre that they would show up at your doorstep looking for an apology, but I think it's also bizarre that you think your DS's aunt and grandmother shouldn't discuss him.

It sounds like you all need to calm down!

PrimrosePath · 15/08/2012 14:59

Whether your adult son thanked his grandmother or not is nothing to do with your SIL. And her coming round with her husband demanding an apology would have her down on my 'unhinged' list.

But maybe she has had to listen to her mother rattle on and on about not hearing from your son and just wanted to sort it out? If this is usual behaviour, yanbu. If not, give her the benefit of doubt.

squeakytoy · 15/08/2012 15:00

"My sister-in-law sent a text to my husband" .... "I was very upset at what I perceived to be interference and sent her a text saying I didn't think the communication between my son and his grandmother was anything to do with her and asking her to please mind her own business"

And if I were your SIL, I would be telling you that my conversation between myself and my brother were none of YOUR business.

AgentProvocateur · 15/08/2012 15:00

Cross posted with others re worrying pensioner and lost present !

Halfling · 15/08/2012 15:07

YABU. Why did you interfere between your DH and his sister? I see nothing wrong with your SIL's behaviour.

Pagwatch · 15/08/2012 15:11

If you are looking for perspective it might be worth thinking about why ou are so incredibly negative about your sil and your mil. There may be background but you aven't said so.
So, without any extenuating circumstances, you sem very quick to view negatively a number of things which seem perfectly harmless.
A mother and her daughter probably would all about a nephews 18th - you view it as 'discussing ou ehind ther bake'
A mother may say 'I am a bit worried as he hasn't actually said he recevived it safely' - you assume she was carping and complaining.
A sister may then think 'I will just drop my brother a lie to remind him as mother is getting upset/silly about it' - you assume she was criticising you.

I also think you behaved pretty badly. If you send a 'hasty' and let's face it, arsey, text then hiding upstairs when they come around is childish.

I suspect there are issues not explained on here. But the grown up thing to do would be to apologise and maybe they will too. Maybe don't e so trigger happy in future.

Of course the irony is that all you 'adults' are back biting, sulking and being rude to each other over whether or not your son has bad manners. Terrible example really.

samandi · 15/08/2012 15:11

You overstepped the mark when you replied to your husband's text.

SIL overstepped the mark when she turned up on your doorstep.

Everything else sounds fine.

thegoatswife · 15/08/2012 15:18

She probably thought she was doing the right thing about giving you the heads up that DS had possibly not thanked grandma for the present. Either "thanks for letting us know, we'll get him to call" or "thanks but actually he called in between his trips- teenagers get busy"; would have been more appropriate. I think you do owe her an apology.

sugarice · 15/08/2012 15:26

I would have been annoyed at SiL's text but I wouldn't have texted back, just ignored it as your ds had already thanked Granny hadn't he two days prior?. Your text does sound a little aggressive. Not really worth a stand off is it.

laptopcomputer · 15/08/2012 15:30

YABU. Your Sil was NBU until she turned up on your doorstep, at which point she became unreasonable too.

Original poster

forkandspade · 15/08/2012 15:31

Was looking for unbiassed opinions and seems I should have thought first and reacted second and used more diplomacy. I just know I would never contact my own brother and tell him or his wife what to do if the situation were the other way round for fear of being interfering.

As for comments about me responding to my SIL's text to DH, it was about OUR son and as a joint and equal parent I thought justified in expressing my views,(albeit more calmly) and afterall DH told me about the text as he thought it inappropriate. I accept the opinions of others. As I say, was trying to get this in perspective, various comments have helped. Thank you to all respondents.

OP posts:

thegoatswife · 15/08/2012 15:32

Or did the SIL turn up on the doorstep to clear the air and OP wouldn't talk to them?

Catsdontcare · 15/08/2012 15:35

I can see why you are annoyed SIL does this to dh all the time about family stuff. I really have to bite my tongue as I feel it's up to dh to speak out about it.

I think it is well meant on her part but it comes across as controlling and like she thinks we're not capable of thinking to do stuff.

DuelingFanjo · 15/08/2012 15:36

I think YABU.
You've mad the situation worse than it could have been.

Do you have issues RE your MIL/SIL beyond this because if not then I think that you are behaving quite badly.

thegoatswife · 15/08/2012 15:37

Good on you forkand spade for your above post. It takes a big person to admit that :-)

Catsdontcare · 15/08/2012 15:38

I think it doesn't help that I am a very private and independant person and I loathe other people talking about my business. Unfortunately dh's family are very different. I probably need to unclench a little too! (I won't but though!)

HipHopSkipJumpomous · 15/08/2012 15:38

The only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about (to steal a quote from I know not who).

Of course YABU to expect family members not to discuss each other.

Original poster

forkandspade · 15/08/2012 15:44

Dear catsdontcare
I think you and I are on the same wavelength. I wish I was a cat then I wouldn't care and things would be so much easier....Trouble is I do care and things do hurt when perhaps they shouldn't.

OP posts:

PenisVanLesbian · 15/08/2012 15:47

its not very private and independent to respond to texts that were not for you,in fact it is the very opposite.

Catsdontcare · 15/08/2012 15:54

well no it isn't penis and I probably wouldn't have done it (but would have bitched to dh in the hopes that he would )

Out of interest if the op was the sil saying AIBU to text my brother and tell him that he needs to get his son to make a thank you phone call how many of us would be saying mind your own business love?

DuelingFanjo · 15/08/2012 15:56

Thinking about this... I don't think it's neccesary for a mother (or a father) to have to remind their 18 year old children to send thank yous. Perhaps SIL (and MIL) did overstep the mark by thinking that anyone should but I am assuming that your DH is her (Sil's) brother?

sayithowitis · 15/08/2012 15:57

If your son received a gift from his DGM in the post, then I would consider it rude not to have thanked her for it until nearly a fortnight later. I agree with those who say that rather than ' discussing you behind your back', it is far more likely that your MIL has mentioned to SIL that she did not know whether her card and gift had been received and SIL decided to text your DH to ask him to remind your son. I would not regard that as interfering. If I send a card and gifts in the post to family members, I expect to hear from them to the effect that the item has been delivered safely. I would not be personally too concerned if it took about a fortnight, but IME, older people like to know ASAP. MY DC was away on his 18th and like yours, he took cards etc away to open on the day. He also had all relevant mobile numbers programmed into his phone so that he could text his thanks the next day.

And yes, most families do discuss each other amongst themselves - our family takes it for granted that if we 'cascade' info to each other. i am sure many families are the same.

PenisVanLesbian · 15/08/2012 16:00

Probably I would Cats, but thats not nearly as rude as op.

And if she was offended at having her parenting questioned by having someone else remind her now adult son to thanks his nan for a gift, maybe she should be annoyed at her son for taking a fortnight to do so?

Catsdontcare · 15/08/2012 16:18

If nan is pissed off nan should be calling and asking if he got the gift not the sil.

look I come from a family who wouldn't know communication if it bit them on the arse so all this she said to her and he said to you stuff is beyond me.

PenisVanLesbian · 15/08/2012 16:19

Maybe nan has more manners than the rest of them put together (wouldn't be hard) and wouldn't dream of it.

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