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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slightly miffed with my husbands sister....

28 replies

MiggleMoo · 13/08/2012 19:41

My darling SIL in quite a few years older than my husband, lives in the house her parents brought for their retirement, doesn't work, husband has relatively good job etc and they have 3 children between 8 and 12.

I and my husband both work full time, juggling hours between us so our child only goes into childcare 3 1/2 days a week. We have been open about wanting DC2. Today she said to me that she didn't understand why we wanted another child when we didn't spend enough quality time with DC1 and both choose to work full time so didn't prioritise our DC above money!

I was really shocked, she has a free house and a husband who pays the rest of the bills, we work very hard to provide for our family and give up a lot of our free time to juggle our jobs enough to allow us as much time as possible with our DC i.e. we both do 2 hours work each evening after he has gone to bed etc (We're very lucky to both have very flexible jobs). Our DC is everything to us, and is a very happy, well adjusted child.

I was gobsmacked and didn't respond. She doesn't know we have recently had 2 MCs back to back, but I am not sure it would of made her be any more sensitive. Sometimes it really irks me how much she seems to take her position for granted and not think about anyone else or that many, many people aren't that lucky. And honestly good for her that she gets to stay at home with her children - but we're not all that lucky. Goodness knows what will happen when the PIL want their retirement house back and give up the business where they live and work!

OP posts:
FelicitywasSarca · 13/08/2012 19:43
Shock

Yanbu. Ignore, ignore, ignore!

catgirl2012 · 13/08/2012 19:47
Shock

YANBU

I would have said something, althgouh probably, like you, have been too shocked at the time

susiedaisy · 13/08/2012 19:48

YANBU if it were me I would sit and calmly explain things next time so that she can understand your situation better, I have a couple of friends who don't work and haven't worked outside the home for years and have hubby's that earn alot of money and have also inherited money and they can loose touch with reality, every so often I have to drop things In to the conversation.

Original poster
MiggleMoo · 13/08/2012 20:07

Thanks, thought not! The more I think about the more annoyed I am getting!!! I just wish she would see the world outside of her own little bubble - drives me bonkers!

OP posts:
redexpat · 13/08/2012 20:11

You forgot the MN mantra:

Did you mean that to sound so rude?

Chubfuddler · 13/08/2012 20:13

The SILs of mners are on fire lately. I'd have had to point out her stunning lack of self awareness tbh.

MummytoKatie · 13/08/2012 20:14

"Actually SIL - you are right. I should spend more time with DC. We were thinking of talking to your parents about it but didn't think you would agree so easily. We think it must be our turn to live In the free house now. After all our child is so much younger and needs a mother around so much more than yours. Can you move out by the end of September?"

Generally though I'm really impressed you've managed to work ft but only have dc in childcare for 3.5 days. I work 3 days and she is in cc for 3 days.

Original poster
MiggleMoo · 13/08/2012 20:17

Yhanks MummytoKatie - it's not easy. Though having discovered MN it's easier, I am currently reading and analysing reports whilst flitting in and out of here - toodles off to write about less important things for work! Wink

OP posts:
AmIthatbad · 13/08/2012 20:18

Agree, ignore her.

I once worked with a woman who, by her own admission, only did it for extra "pocket money".

She told me that she hadn't worked when her children were young, as she actually enjoyed spending time with them. (I have always worked, through necessity, not choice and would have loved to have a rich, land owning husband to keep me and allow me that choice)

I was totally Shock when she said that to me. Luckily, those that overheard thought less of her for that comment than they did of me,

The same goes for your SIL

lisaro · 13/08/2012 20:19

I'd've asked her how she can justify having children while she's still being subsidised by her parents. Might make her stop and think. Good luck ttc.

RackandRuin · 13/08/2012 20:26

She judges you. You judge her. You seem perfectly matched to me.

Original poster
MiggleMoo · 13/08/2012 20:28

Random comment RackandRuin - how have I judged her? I think she is lucky as I have said and the differences in how the siblings are treated upsets me for my husbands sake but 'judge' and perfectly matched?
Fair enough if thats what you think though.

OP posts:
mamaonion · 13/08/2012 20:44

Yanbu. God I hate the whole us vs them work / sahm thing!!!! She has had s lot of help from your pil, I would feel very self conscious about it of I were her, and I would not be able to resist pointing this our in a non confrontational way.

Icelollycraving · 13/08/2012 21:09

People say things that are hurtful sometimes knowingly & sometimes completely innocently. Both can be brutal. I personally think being a mum juggling childcare & working etc is pretty stressful.
Sorry to hear about your miscarriages.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 21:12

If she's never had any financial difficulties, it could very well have been an ignorant, albeit stupid comment.

BillyBollyBandy · 13/08/2012 21:17

She will mention it again. And when she does get your reply ready.

Something along the lines of "oh I know you and dbil are happy to live rent free off your parents, but that would make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Almost like I was taking advantage... anyway paying our way and being self sufficient works well for us"

DontmindifIdo · 13/08/2012 21:20

Oh if she does say something again, say something about the free house "well, if i didn't have a mortgage to pay like you then I'd be able to afford to be a stay at home mother, you are very lucky, but I suppose you know that."

Icelollycraving · 13/08/2012 21:26

Liking Billybollybandy's reply :o

Salmotrutta · 13/08/2012 21:26

Are your ILs dead OP?

If so, did they leave her the house?

If not - does she have carers responsibility?

These are genuine questions BTW - I am just trying to understand the dynamic, that's all

BUT she should not have made judgements about you planning another child. That's none of her business.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 13/08/2012 21:29

You said in your OP she is 'lovely,' so I do believe this was an incredibly stupid remark born of ignorance, I wouldn't say anything rude back to her, just tell her that she doesn't know what she's talking about and it's none of her business.

I would however say it's not her place to comment on your family and that's uncalled for though!

Original poster
MiggleMoo · 13/08/2012 21:31

No pil brought second house as live at their b and b, sil and family live in second house. Sorry if caused confusion!

OP posts:
Original poster
MiggleMoo · 13/08/2012 21:31

No pil brought second house as live at their b and b, sil and family live in second house. Sorry if caused confusion!

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 13/08/2012 21:34

So the sister and husband live in a house belonging to the parents.

Actaully, that's very probably irrelevant to anything else because they presumably pay rent, community charge and bills so the only difference between you is that she doesn't work and you do.

She is rude to comment on the time you do or do not spend with your DC.

Salmotrutta · 13/08/2012 21:36

irrelevant to any of this is what I should have said

And actually

Salmotrutta · 13/08/2012 21:37

Unless she lives rent and community charge free?

Then you have a right to be thinking she lives in cloud cuckoo land as well as being rude to comment on your work and childcare!