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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is NOT my fault?!?

42 replies

mousseschoice · 13/08/2012 17:06

Long story short I went through 'D'P's phone in the early hours of Wednesday morning and discovered he's been having an affair...whilst DD slept peacefully next to me. He was asleep in DD's bed, so I waited til 6am to say I know what you've been doing, get your stuff and go!!

He has now since returned (after slinking off to his Mums and the OW) and is stopping on the settee. We have both agreed it is over, and he needs to get somewhere to live ASAP.

He claims that this is my fault, as I have done nothing but push him away since DD has been born (she is 2.8), and he has 'loved me like a sister' for the past year.
He is mad that all of his family think he is a major twat (as do I!!) and that they don't see 'the bigger picture'.

When DD was born, I had an episiotomy that got infected and I had to have surgery to have it corrected. Then I had the usual body issues that I think everyone has after a baby. We were living at my mums at the time and 3 days before DD was born his DB was sent to prison for death by dangerous driving so it was a really stressful time.
I have 2 jobs (one is the family business), look after my elderly Dad whilst my Mum has to work away a lot of the time and then DD to look after. I've always been the one to organise family trips, holidays etc and any rare nights out as a couple. DP can't drive (or should I say won't learn!), so like an idiot I have got myself and DD out bed to ferry him to work and back. So to be honest, it really is no wonder that I don't want to have lots of sex every waking minute.
He went through a stage of 'pawing' at me everytime I was near him - trying to put his hands down my top etc and I found that really uncomfortable, especially infront of DD.

So, I am really struggling to understand how, or why his affair is my fault? AIBU???

OP posts:
Methe · 13/08/2012 17:08

It's not your fault. Your husband is a dick and your better off without him.

Methe · 13/08/2012 17:08

you're!

BlackberryIce · 13/08/2012 17:09

Yanbu!!

DozyDuck · 13/08/2012 17:10

Not your fault.

Your husband is a twunt.

LadyBeagleEyes · 13/08/2012 17:11

Of course it's not your fault.
And why have you let him come back to sleep on the sofa? Send him back to his Mum/OW, you're so much better off without him.

BarredfromhavingStella · 13/08/2012 17:12

YANBU, why he is struggling with the concept of being called a twat is quite beyond me as clearly he is one Hmm

serotoninbutterfly · 13/08/2012 17:12

There is no excuse for having an affair? He is just trying to assuage his guilt by pointing the fingers at what he perceives as your shortcomings - when in fact it's his infidelity that has ended the relationship.

Don't listen to him - as friends and family will rightly point out, he is nothing but a waste of oxygen.

Best of luck to you x

AmberLeaf · 13/08/2012 17:13

Not your fault.

I'd not let him doss in my front room either if I were you.

You are well rid.

mousseschoice · 13/08/2012 17:15

DD has always been more than a handful - (think of the screaming child you see in the supermarket) and since we've finished her behaviour has done a complete 360 and she is such an angel. I feel awful for her sake that it didn't end sooner.

I give him a few weeks til he comes crawling back - yawn tell it to someone who cares!! Grin

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 13/08/2012 17:16

He's a cock. Perhaps if he'd stepped up and behaved like a grown up you wouldn't have been so tired and would have actually wanted to have sex with him. FWIW I don't drive and would never expect DH to be my taxi to work.

From what you have written above it sounds like you are well rid.

GhouliaYelps · 13/08/2012 17:17

Good Lord! YANBU

NervousAt20 · 13/08/2012 17:18

YANBU! He's the one that's completely in the wrong but wants to make you feel like its all your fault and he's the victim so all should be forgiven and he can carry on doing what he wants Scott free!

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 13/08/2012 17:21

It's absolutely not your fault. What an arse he is. Send him packing and who gives a flying fig what his family thinks of him. If he was that bothered he should have behaved with integrity!

ChitchatAtHome · 13/08/2012 17:31

He's absolutely right, his family don't see the bigger picture.

They didn't see him pawing you like some adolescent, they didn't see you getting yourself and your DD up every morning and evening to drop him off/pick him up from work, they didn't see how exhausted you were after you had been looking after your DDad and then your DD all day, or how exhausted you were dealing with 2 jobs.

He should be fucking grateful that they only think he's a major twat because if they saw 'the bigger picture' they would actually think he's a grade A arsehole!!!!!

MyLittleMiracles · 13/08/2012 17:33

There is no excuse for an affair, he could have left. He is a prick and you are better off rid.

YANBU and I would be using much worse language (though you probably are)

SirBoobAlot · 13/08/2012 17:36

YANBU, he's being a prize dick, and you (and your DD) are better off without.

lemonpie7 · 13/08/2012 17:36

Not your fault, his fault.

danteV · 13/08/2012 17:46

Nope. Not your fault. He is a cock of the highest order.
There is never an excuse for cheating. If you are not happy leave.
And before someone says that easier said than done. Its not. If you are don't want to leave because it will hurt the dcs, partner etc. It will hurt alot more when found out.
Its not your fault he is a dick and also spineless. Everyone thinks hr is a major test, for one reason. That's because he is.

danteV · 13/08/2012 17:47

Major twat

CaptainHetty · 13/08/2012 17:49

YANBU. It is not your fault, he's a twat of the highest order and is trying to justify his behaviour by pushing blame on you.

MissMogwi · 13/08/2012 17:50

Definitely not your fault. It's just his way of trying to justify the fact he's a massive wanker.

altinkum · 13/08/2012 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 13/08/2012 17:56

HIs choice to have an affair - that was his choice and he didn't ask you first, its not like he sat you down and said look this is wrong with our relationship and I am not happy about this so I am going to get another woman.

If he wasn't happy then he could have said I want to end this relationship, then started another when one had ended.

ErikNorseman · 13/08/2012 17:57

Blaming the wife is absolutely part of the affair script, as is 'love but not in love' and 'if you had cared more about meeeeee and not our child/your health/family etc'
No it's not your fault. I'm sure this prick has friends, family or a car he can sleep in and presumably the means to find and rent a room. Spareroom.co.uk have rooms to rent immediately.

tinkcantwaittomove · 13/08/2012 17:58

agree not your fault
must have been awful to find out