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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is NOT my fault?!?

42 replies

mousseschoice · 13/08/2012 17:06

Long story short I went through 'D'P's phone in the early hours of Wednesday morning and discovered he's been having an affair...whilst DD slept peacefully next to me. He was asleep in DD's bed, so I waited til 6am to say I know what you've been doing, get your stuff and go!!

He has now since returned (after slinking off to his Mums and the OW) and is stopping on the settee. We have both agreed it is over, and he needs to get somewhere to live ASAP.

He claims that this is my fault, as I have done nothing but push him away since DD has been born (she is 2.8), and he has 'loved me like a sister' for the past year.
He is mad that all of his family think he is a major twat (as do I!!) and that they don't see 'the bigger picture'.

When DD was born, I had an episiotomy that got infected and I had to have surgery to have it corrected. Then I had the usual body issues that I think everyone has after a baby. We were living at my mums at the time and 3 days before DD was born his DB was sent to prison for death by dangerous driving so it was a really stressful time.
I have 2 jobs (one is the family business), look after my elderly Dad whilst my Mum has to work away a lot of the time and then DD to look after. I've always been the one to organise family trips, holidays etc and any rare nights out as a couple. DP can't drive (or should I say won't learn!), so like an idiot I have got myself and DD out bed to ferry him to work and back. So to be honest, it really is no wonder that I don't want to have lots of sex every waking minute.
He went through a stage of 'pawing' at me everytime I was near him - trying to put his hands down my top etc and I found that really uncomfortable, especially infront of DD.

So, I am really struggling to understand how, or why his affair is my fault? AIBU???

OP posts:
tinkcantwaittomove · 13/08/2012 17:58

agree not your fault
must have been awful to find out

oldraver · 13/08/2012 18:01

Why is he on your sofa if he has an OW/DM to go to ?

WhoremoaneeGrainger · 13/08/2012 18:10

Definitely not down to you OP. And send him back to his mother, and get on with building a happier new life for you and your DD.

He sounds like a real catch.

RatherBeACyborg · 13/08/2012 18:13

Not your fault. He's another wanker who does what he wants and then blames others.

LadyBeagleEyes · 13/08/2012 18:14

Where's Anyfucker when you need her?

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 13/08/2012 18:18

Not your fault, chuck him out ASAP. Let him see what his new life is going to be like the massive bastard.

I had a bad episiotomy too, I didn't want to have sex for ages. What a knob.

danteV · 13/08/2012 18:19

Why he is staying with you. He has a mum and a ow. Do neither of the want him? If they don't, its bit tough imo.

bogeyface · 13/08/2012 18:20

The guy is a dickweed who HAS to bame you because anything would mean him looking at himsef and he knows that all he will see is a selfish black hearted cunt.

So, far easier to say that you drove him to it than admit that he did it because he wanted to and because he was so fucking arrogant as to think you wouldnt find out. So not only was he cheating on you, he had no respect for you and thought you were stupid. Why would he want to admit to being a selfish prick and was in fact married to a very smart woman who was far too good for him?

You owe him nothing and you certainly dont owe him a bed/sofa for the night. If the OW was so keen, let her have him. Or his mother, or a friend.

What he does now IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He is not your problem.

Fourfingerkitkat · 13/08/2012 18:25

Def not being unreasonable. Chin up and all the best for you and your daughter. Remind yourself that things can only get better from here on in...Wine x

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2012 18:25

He sounds like a selfish pig OP

Him having an affair has done you a favour in a away...at least you want rid of him now.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 13/08/2012 18:27

According to my ExH it was my fault he had an affair too. I spent too much money (even though he did all the shopping and I continually offered him my hardly used cash card) I didn't keep the house tidy enough (even though I worked 48 hours a week and he worked 37 1/2, so he had 10 hours to catch up on before I even started). The one day a week I used to get up and go to work, leaving him in bed, he would moan I 'left my mess' (DD and my breakfast things) for him to clear up. Yet the majority of days, he would go out and leave me the mess to deal with and that was ok.

Quite frankly, I thank the troll who now has to wait on him hand and foot, for getting me out of a bad situation.

Hopefully you will look back and realise they have done you a favour. Remove him from your sofa though. Send him to the OW or his DM.

mousseschoice · 13/08/2012 18:44

Thanks for the replies - I didn't think it was my fault!!

The only reason he isn't at his Mum's is she is away at his Sister's wedding in Cyprus (we couldn't afford to go) and she refused to let him stop in her house whilst she was away. She's back on Sat - hurrah!!

As for the OW...He announced that he was going to stop there on Sat day/night as me and DD we off to a family BBQ and he didn't want to be in the house alone... Hmm But it was ok for him to stop out numerous times and leave me alone all night with DD? I don't think it's the love affair that he thinks it will be - she has 2 DCs and he told his Mum that he got stressed just looking after DD...

This has devestated me, but more along the lines of being lied to and having my trust broken, rather than loosing my 'man'. I know within time I will be fine, and as each day passes it does get easier - it's not even been a week yet!
I'm being really calm and cool with him; no sniping or name calling, just generally not being interested in him or what he has to say. For DD's sake I really don't want to have her first memories of her Mum being those of me ripping her Dad a new arsehole!! I think this is getting to him, as I think he expected me to fall apart and beg for his forgiveness...Not in this lifetime!!

This sounds a bit silly, but I'm quite excited for the future now - just me and DD, no stress, and no worrying if the house is tidy enough or if his tea is on the table when I've fetched him from work...

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler - He is just like ExH - an utter nob!!

He is good with DD, but as I say again her behaviour has changed so much since he has gone.

And the icing on the cake...I've lost 8lbs Grin

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 13/08/2012 18:56

Bloody good for you on your last post Op.
I still wouldn't have him on the sofa though, didn't his mum leave him a key?

bogeyface · 13/08/2012 18:57

She obviously doesnt trust him either!

McHappyPants2012 · 13/08/2012 18:58

Yanbu, it wasn't your fault.

Shellywelly1973 · 13/08/2012 19:04

YANBU...

You already know your better off without him-def his loss not yours!!

Mia4 · 13/08/2012 20:02

Communication problems on their own do tend to be both at fault for, unless someones not saying the truth and is hiding their issues. Which is why both tend to need to work together on them. However working together is not hiding the issue, going off and doing your own thing without respect for your partner and family.

And no, you aren't U or responsible for his affair; you didn't force his cock into someone else's cunt, he did that all himself and you need to make that clear. Sounds like your families know the truth and tbh from what you've said here he sounds immature, entitled and someone who obviously cannot hold his hand up and take responsibility for his actions (like a good % of cheaters) instead he tries to manipulate.

He could have been mature, talked about it wit you, had an amicable divorce (without betrayal) or gone to therapy together to get passed any issues raised.

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