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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want an adults only birthday party......

75 replies

pestooneverything · 13/08/2012 10:22

It's my birthday on Saturday and I have invited 6 couples round for an afternoon BBQ going into an evening party. (3 couples have kids under 5. We have a 2.5 yr old)

In the invite I said that children were welcome till 7.30pm after which it was grown up time and please could they either be taken home or collected by Grandparents. We live in a small town where all my friends and parents live too so it isn't a biggie to call on Grandparents for a bit of babysitting.

I did this because I want to be able to get merry, chat about stuff which isn't for kiddie ears, relax without getting drinks for kiddies etc etc and swear if i want! We don't get a lot of adult time as friends as it mostly revolves around the kids and DH and I, and the childless couples are really looking forward to a grown up evening!

I saw my friend this morning and asked her what she was going to do with the kids, i.e. take them home for bed, or get the gparents to collect them and she said that she was just going to let them stay up late as long as they could manage. I just said, well i am putting DS to bed at 7.30 so they are welcome to bath and PJ at ours and sleep in a spare bed if they'd like. She then said that they'd probably just keep them up...

How do I address this, I don't want sleepy grumpy toddlers running round my garden late at night.

AIBU???!!!

OP posts:

steben · 13/08/2012 12:45

If I were you I would have made it an evening bbq and requested that children be left behind. To be honest it would be a PITA to arrange for collection etc.. i prefer to leave the house with kids settled rather than handing over rowdy kids to babysitters (even if we had that luxury which we don't).

So no YANBU to have an adults only birthday buy YUBU to make it a half and half affair.

nickelcognito · 13/08/2012 12:51

i agree that you should tell her - if she's the only one that's not understood, then it will piss you and all your other guests off, because you've all offloaded your own kids and would now be forced to entertain/look after someone else's!

tell her that you have set up a bed for her dcs in your house, so they can sleep there - that they'll be close enough for her to check on them if she needs to.

Ephiny · 13/08/2012 13:11

Actually it does seem a bit odd to expect people to bring their kids for the daytime part, then take them home and come back.

I would probably have done one thing or the other - family-friendly daytime BBQ or adults-only evening party until late.

usualsuspect · 13/08/2012 13:15

Good luck with getting your own DS to bed at 7.30 with a party going on downstairs.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 13/08/2012 13:16

Say they will have to go up to bed or go home as the party in the night isn't appropriate for children.

Plus I intend to say the words FUCK and COCK a lot of times.

Or just start the party at 7.30.

WestYorkshirePudding · 13/08/2012 13:26

Can you not sack off the evening part of the party and start the bbq earlier. You can then all get sloshed in the afternoon (joy!) and everyone can leave when their own kids start keeling over.

If youget everyone round at 1pm(ish) then you'll probably have til 8pm(ish) before you have to think about people going home. I'd much prefer an afternoon of eating and drinking than tooing and froing between two parties and the kids will be fine as there will be a few of them to occupy each other.

usualsuspect · 13/08/2012 13:28

I think its a bit much to assume that grandparents would be willing to come and pick up the children and babysit TBH.

ChitchatAtHome · 13/08/2012 13:35

Why should she WestYorkshire? She wants time WITHOUT any kids at all, which she wouldn't have with your idea.

For most people it might be a pita to arrange to get the DC picked up, but clearly the OP knows her friends and their situations, so why is everyone trying to impose their own situations onto this?

Op - your party sounds great. Your friend is deliberately ignoring your wishes. You need to be absolutely clear to her that one way or the other, her kids are leaving the party at 7.30 pm. Hope it goes well!

bogeyface · 13/08/2012 13:37

Its not about the OP assuming people can get babysitters, she has said either get them babysat or go home.

The friend who is totally ignoring her wishes because she doesnt want to do either of those things is BVVVU.

Pandemoniaa · 13/08/2012 13:40

I don't think it is U to want an adult party in the evening. I also think that everyone who has made an arrangement to have their dcs looked after in the evening will be mightily pissed off to discover other toddlers running around until they get tired.

I suspect that I'd have found it a lot of hassle to be at an afternoon event, go home and then return after putting my dcs to bed but the OP knows her own friends.

You'll just have to get very definite with this friend OP. Tell her that from 7.30pm onwards it's going to be a child-free party. End of.

usualsuspect · 13/08/2012 13:41

Just tell her her children are not welcome then.

CrapBag · 13/08/2012 14:57

I actually think that BBQ in the afternoon for families plus evening for adults is a great idea. No one can complain that the rest of the family is left out plus there is time later for the adults to unwind without having to watch the children.

Sounds like my ideal day tbh. Plus if it is couples coming around and the babysitters aren't picking them up, there is no reason why the dads can't drop the kids home then return whilst the mums chill with the OP (ok I am making an assumption that you are friendlier with the women). This doesn't need to be a big hassle. Just be blunt with your friend. I would be fuming if someone deliberately ignored what I had said because she is happy for her children to be there.

SamanthaStormer · 13/08/2012 15:30

YADNBU. Though you are being unreasonable as in the fact my invite seems to have got lost in the post.
It's your friend who's BU. You've made it perfectly clear that children are welcome in the afternoon, but after 7.30 it's adult time. No kids. So she's got a bloody cheek to say she'll just let them stay up. If she hasn't got a babysitter, then she should come and celebrate during the day and go home for the evening bit.
I'd just re-iterate the fact - NO kids at the evening party. If she doesn't like it, she can lump it. It's YOUR party

forevergreek · 13/08/2012 15:54

Sounds fine to me. Just make it clear that whatever she chooses, children after 7.30 isn't an option

I would happily pop them to bed at 7 in your spare room then help you crack the mojitos open

Noqontrol · 13/08/2012 16:06

You're not unreasonable at all. Evenings are for adults, not kids running around over tired and screaming. Particularly when the host has requested no children. You've been very reasonable to offer the spare room for her kids, I'd be more than happy with that if I was her. You need to tell her straight as she doesn't seem to be listening.

AmIthatbad · 13/08/2012 16:13

It sounds like a brilliant idea for a birthday.

You are in no way BU. You are entitled to have whatever you want for your party and if that means that some of your friends won't be able to stay for the evening, then that is sad, but that's the way it goes.

I know when I can't get a babysitter I just don't go to things, I wouldn't expect my host to make exceptions, nor would I insist on bringing DD regardless of the host's wishes.

I would be well hacked off if I had arranged for DD to be looked after, and there were other people's children still up.

If she hasn't understood the invitation, you will have to tell her straight, rather than hint.

I would also go with the "it will be a bit raucous, sweary, boozy, etc - will be great for us all to let our hair down without worrying about the children" sort of thing.

And I hope the party goes well, sounds fantastic.

Megatron · 13/08/2012 16:26

Tell her that the stripper is coming at 8.

Gumby · 13/08/2012 16:30

Why on earth didn't you say at the time

'didn't you read on the invite adults only from 7.30pm'

But even if she does put them down in your house she'll probably be up & down the stairs telling them to go to sleep

Can you guarantee your child will sleep at 7.30 with a party downstairs?

You'd have been wiser to go out to a pub or restaurant in the evening

crosstraineraddict · 13/08/2012 16:35

As has already been said, I think it would have been easier to have had just the evening, adults-only event. I don't think YABU but I can see it from your friend's point of view too. It might be that her kids won't settle in someone else's house?

Original poster

pestooneverything · 13/08/2012 19:27

Thanks everyone!

I do see that it might have been easier to do just an adults thing but we are a close bunch of friends an all our dcs like playing together so I thought a family do would be nice plus a raucous affair. Half the group have no kids so understandably find the constant little people a bit annoying. Everyone else has told me they love that we te having the best of both worlds. You're right gumby I should have said something at the time but just was a bit tongue tied!!

I'm not worried about ds going down to sleep as we've never been a "ssshh the baby's sleeping" family and our house is quite big, but thanks for that and your other typically useful comments usualsuspect.

I'll keep you posted on how my evening of shouting fuck and cock goes. The neighbours will think I have tourettes!

OP posts:

Original poster

pestooneverything · 13/08/2012 19:28

Disclaimer: not intending to offend anyone with Tourette's

OP posts:

vixo · 13/08/2012 20:29

We do this all the time, doesn't sound at all unreasonable to me.

Probably every other weekend we go to friends or people come here, the kids have a run around and then they all get put to bed and we have time as grown ups. We expect a bit of chattering and running around, but it's a fun night for them too - they always say they're having a sleepover - and we get time with our friends. Most are in walking distance too, so we just hoik them out of bed and walk home at the end of the night. We've been doing it since they were tiny and they all go to sleep in the end!

Original poster

pestooneverything · 13/08/2012 20:34

Thanks vixo that's the sort of family we are!!

OP posts:

DublinMammy · 13/08/2012 20:39

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me and if your friend can't take a hint (or indeed read what you put in your original invitation) then you do need to spell it out for her. Have a lovely time, any party filled with fuck and cock sounds good.

Clearly, am pervert.

ChaoticismyLife · 13/08/2012 20:43

Well if you are then so am I, DublinMammy

Sounds like a great evening to me too.

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