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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want an adults only birthday party......

75 replies

pestooneverything · 13/08/2012 10:22

It's my birthday on Saturday and I have invited 6 couples round for an afternoon BBQ going into an evening party. (3 couples have kids under 5. We have a 2.5 yr old)

In the invite I said that children were welcome till 7.30pm after which it was grown up time and please could they either be taken home or collected by Grandparents. We live in a small town where all my friends and parents live too so it isn't a biggie to call on Grandparents for a bit of babysitting.

I did this because I want to be able to get merry, chat about stuff which isn't for kiddie ears, relax without getting drinks for kiddies etc etc and swear if i want! We don't get a lot of adult time as friends as it mostly revolves around the kids and DH and I, and the childless couples are really looking forward to a grown up evening!

I saw my friend this morning and asked her what she was going to do with the kids, i.e. take them home for bed, or get the gparents to collect them and she said that she was just going to let them stay up late as long as they could manage. I just said, well i am putting DS to bed at 7.30 so they are welcome to bath and PJ at ours and sleep in a spare bed if they'd like. She then said that they'd probably just keep them up...

How do I address this, I don't want sleepy grumpy toddlers running round my garden late at night.

AIBU???!!!

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 13/08/2012 10:40

"All the people with kids have 2 sets of grandparents, and siblings in the same town who often babysit so i know babysitting isn't an issue."

actually you don't KNOW that at all. they may not want to ask them on this occasion for any number of reasons, or they maybe have asked and they can't do it as they're busy.

I'm not saying that makes it ok for your friend to completely disregard your wishes, but you can't possibly know if they have a babysitter.

I have friends and grandparents nearby who I am sure you would say I could use if I was invited... but actually it would be a real pain for them to come and collect my kids, take them home, get them to bed etc... that's quite a big ask! very different fromjust coming to your home to look after your children.

I think you should take hecates advice and be very clear that you don't want the children around after 7.30.
but be prepared for them to all leave!

Pekka · 13/08/2012 10:40

YANBU. You need to be firm with her. I would just have the whole party childfree, as you cannot be sure how many of your friends are planning to keep their kids at the party.

Ephiny · 13/08/2012 10:40

(I think you need to be blunt with your friend - if she's not taking the polite hints - that children are not invited to the evening party, and that that includes hers!)

thisisyesterday · 13/08/2012 10:40

obv i don't know your friends kids either, but mine would probably not settle at someone else's house either, which would mean I would spend the entire evening trying to settle my kids at your house, which would disrupt your kids and mean I had to miss the party.

maybe she is feeling a bit like that?

Original poster

pestooneverything · 13/08/2012 10:42

scotland mum LOL - maybe i will do that!

true yesterday - i don't KNOW it will be easy to get babysitters.

Maybe i should have done an evening only thing but I wanted to sit outside in the sun (fingers crossed) and have a nice BBQ with my friends. I would have said no kids at all but my DS would have been there which would have been weird!

No-one else seems to have an issue with it - people seem quite up for a family afternoon followed by grown up evening!

I will talk to my friend!

OP posts:

FreeBirdsFlying · 13/08/2012 10:43

Well when she has her birthday party she can be all about the children but it is your party,your rules. If she can't get a babysitter then tough titty,she has had enough notice.

Original poster

pestooneverything · 13/08/2012 10:44

she doesn't have birthday parties.
you should see the parties her kids have though - it's like my sweet sixteen UK for a 2 yr old

OP posts:

FreeBirdsFlying · 13/08/2012 10:48

Maybe I'm just a mean mammy but I love a kids free party. I love my kids so much but they are not the same as a good fun filled laugh out loud adults evening.

squeakytoy · 13/08/2012 10:50

Dont hint. Be very clear. "friend, after 7.30 we dont want any kids around unless they are in bed asleep, mine will be in bed, so we dont want other peoples kids up and running around then"

Otherwise, send your own DS off to grandparents and just make the whole thing "no kids" completely. That might be even easier.

TheCunnyFunt · 13/08/2012 10:52

Just drop hints that the naked butlers will be arriving to help out at about 7.45

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2012 10:53

If I could get my toddler sleep in someone else's house at 7.30pm I would convert to whatever religion's god had managed that miracle! I would just go home though if you had asked.

thisisyesterday · 13/08/2012 10:53

yeah i like squeakytoy's idea... make the entire thing no kids. that way people don't have to worry about getting someone to come and pick their kids up?

although, i don't think it would be too weird to say no kids but to have your own son there.

JugglingWithFiveRings · 13/08/2012 10:56

I get your thinking but I think you have to realise that not everyone sees things the same way over these sorts of things.

I've been on holidays with friends and all our children and some people had quite a definite plan of kids all eating first and then adults later. When my DC's were little they'd sometimes wander in during the adult's meal and I'd not want to turn them away as it would seem too weird and un-friendly to them - as would be too different to expectations at home where they had us wrapped round their little finger

Just saying different folks will have different approaches - some especially with small DC's may not see the value or possibility of child-free time !

I think you'll have to spell it out again to your friend - your party your rules - and try again with your very generous and friendly offer that her kids could bring PJ's and have a sleep-over with your DC's. Good luck ! Have a great night

halcyondays · 13/08/2012 11:00

Yanbu to want an adults only party.Yabu to assume that everyone has babysitters on tap, or to think that children will meekly go to sleep at 7.30 in a strange house ith a party going on.

oldraver · 13/08/2012 11:00

But it doesnt matter if the others find it easy or not to get babysitters... the OP has stated its child free after 7.30 and thats the way it should be. Not someone banking on the OP being to nice to object and whining "but my kids are dont have to comply". Thats like saying "I dont care its your birthday, what I want to do comes first". Selfish behaviour IMO

thisisyesterday · 13/08/2012 11:02

oldraver, no-one has suggested that the OP is being unreasonable to insist on it being child-free after 7.30

it's just that she seems to assume that her friends will just be easily able to get a sitter, and we're saying that it might not be so easy as she thinks and that she needs to be prepared for them to not come or to go home. which I think is a bit of a shame.

but no-one has said she should allow them to have their kid up after 7.30

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2012 11:02

True but empathy costs nothing.

ChaoticismyLife · 13/08/2012 11:13

YANBU Hints won't work though, you'll have to make it clear that it's adults only after 7.30. If she doesn't want to/can't find a babysitter then she can go home.

Fluffy1234 · 13/08/2012 11:20

YANBU but I do think you have over complicated things by letting children go to the first bit of your party. I would text the friend reminding her that children are not invited after 7.30 so hers will either have to go to bed at yours or go somewhere else.
If I was your friend and got the invite I would just go for the afternoon bit and then go home with my children, I couldn't be doing with the faffing around.

DontmindifIdo · 13/08/2012 11:23

Yes, make it clear, offer a bed at yours for her DCs so she really has no excuse. (Do you have space to let them all stay over if they want too so they don't need to move the DCs after they are asleep?)

If she decides not to come you need to accept that though.

porcamiseria · 13/08/2012 11:32

just chain smoke, swear and binge drink right next to them, that will learn her !

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 13/08/2012 11:35

YANBU at all, in fact we're doing exactly the same thing next month for mine and my husband's birthdays and our wedding anniversary (they all fall on the same weekend). We're having family afternoon with a BBQ, then my folks are taking my DD to theirs and any other children are leaving (not on their own obviously!) so we can have a proper party!

You need to spell it out. You have been kind enough to offer a room, also mention that if her DC(s) are staying up, it may make it more difficult to settle yours and you don't want that hassle on your birthday.

akaemmafrost · 13/08/2012 11:39

I can see why you want to do this but there's no way I could be arsed to come back after leaving and putting kids to bed etc so I imagine that many won't come back. YANBU though.

BackforGood · 13/08/2012 11:43

I'm totally with you on the idea of wanting an evening without children, to celebrate your birthday, but I think you've made it difficult for yourself by inviting them in the first place. It would have made a lot more sense to arrange an adults only thing in the first place. When mine were little, it would just have been too difficult to all go out, then to leave, settle the children and come back, we'd have just accepted either one or the other invitation.
As that's what you've done though, it sounds as if you will have to spell it out for your friend - she's clearly not good at reading 'hints' or subtle requests.

YouOldSlag · 13/08/2012 12:39

YABU for saying "kiddies" .

YANBU for wanting your own day your way.

Your friend is BU for not taking a hint. Doesn't matter if she doesn't agree with you, you're the host, your rules, she doesn't have to come or stay if she doesn't like it.

However, if it was me and I had been at a BBQ all afternoon with my 2yo and 6yo, I'd be way too knackered to put them off to bed and then go and party for the rest of the night, so would prefer an evening only invite so we can settle them in bed before coming out to let our hair down.

Also- you are assuming they have easy access to babysitters, but you don't know for sure that a) they haven't used up all their favours, b) they haven't fallen out with them c) the babysitters are going out/on holiday. or d) the children might not go down for a babysitter (under 5s can be funny that way) or e) the children will be upset going home without their Mum and dad who are not coming with them.

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