AIBU to never talk to my parents again?

[iMoniker]

I am not sure what to do.

My parents and I have not spoken for over a year. The history (as briefly as I can put it) is:

My childhood was fraught with verbal and physical abuse. My mother was depressed and resorted to drink. My father was violent and often hit my mother and sometimes me. I saw lots of hideous fights between them ? most often drink fuelled, I used to cower away for the most part, but if I did try to intervene, I often got hit/dragged about by my hair or verbally abused by one or both of them. I witnessed a suicide attempt by my mother. My parents broke up and reconciled many times.

When I got older it eased off. My parents calmed down, made some money and became quite respectable. I moved overseas and during the years we lived on separate continents we were all quite happy with the relationship/status quo.

My father is a controlling man. He likes to do things his way and does not conceive of putting himself out for anybody else. We had a huge falling out in 2004 because I felt that he doesn?t really care. This falling out followed on from my parents? move back to the UK ? they had lived overseas for many years. They moved back to the UK under duress to escape financial ruin and restarted their lives in the UK. It made my father very bitter and he had a huge sense of entitlement. My mother is a shell of a person. She has put up with years of my fathers? narcissistic behaviour and hidden behind a wine bottle. The problem is that she is an aggressive drunk ? it exacerbates her depression and makes her very unpredictable. She tried to commit suicide again in 2001. By 2004 in the face of a myriad of my own personal problems, I cut contact with my parents for 2 years. We reconciled in 2006 but it was tentative and never felt natural.

In 2008 I moved with my DH and kids to Australia. We maintained a ?relationship? with my parents, it was tense though and never really felt natural. We were all going through the motions. Despite this, I made plans in 2011 to visit the UK to see my parents and grandfather for Xmas. My parents made it very clear from the beginning that they didn?t think it was a good idea. They thought it would be too cold ? unfortunately December is the only time my children get a long holiday and I couldn?t imagine coming to the UK for 2 weeks. I decided we?d make the most of a winter holiday and booked us to go to Finland for a week on the way there and to finish the trip in Paris on the way back. We had accommodation in a lovely part of London for the duration of our stay in the UK. As we were arriving in the UK on 23rd December, I proposed that my parents visit us in London for a few days (2 hour drive), then we?d all go back to where they live for another 10 days ? with us staying in a hotel. My parents refused to travel to London. I then offered for my parents to accompany us to Paris for a week ? we thought it would be lovely to share the time together as a family ? my father refused ? to quote him ?he couldn?t think of anything worse than going to Paris?.

This was the last straw, I had spent $20k on this trip and they wouldn?t even let us stay with them. Let alone participate! I cracked and told my father that we wouldn?t be seeing them. We ended up going to the UK, we did not see my parents and we have not spoken for more than a year.

My father sent me an email last week ? asking if we could reconcile ? no questions asked. I don?t want to. AIBU?

I don't think YABU. They sound very draining. If they don't add any joy to your life (and they don't sound as if they do) you are well within your rights, morally and emotionally to have nothing more to do with them.
Good luck.

YANBU. It doesn't sound like they will change and the cycle is likely to just repeat itself

I'd focus on the family I'd built, tbh

YABU.

You had a idea; they didn't fall in line with your wishes, and now you're sulking.

They told you all along it was a bad time for them, and they meant it, and they proved not to be susceptible to repeat requests.

It's up to you whether you decide you are all adults, and they have their equal own clear preferences which may not match yours; and relate to them on that level without threats to break off contact when you don't get your way.

WTF meditrina? Did you read the bit about her childhood?
YANBU OP.

I don't think you's sulking at all!

These people are not good for your sanity, particularly when you have your own family to take care of.

You do right to maintain no contact.

Yanbu about your childhood and everything pre 2011.
However at the point yabu.
They told youvit was a bad time and they gave you notice they didn't want to do as you wanted. Some people do not like to travel put of their local area.
However (again) yanbu to be disappointed you didn't see them.
I think you need to stop hoping they will make the effort. You keep going back to the for a relationship (understandable) and then making plans, but they don't want to comply.
You can't change them or how they act. But you can change how you deal with this situation.

Yes I can read - including the "eased off, calmed down" and "all quite happy" bits. Then a lengthy period living a distance from each other.

Then OP decides to involve her parents in the choreography of her expensive trip, without it seems consulting their wishes or preferences. They don't fall into line with her itinerary, so she refuses to see them at all during the trip and breaks contact.

The parents have done nothing here except say they don't think December works for them, and OP found out they meant it.

Thanks all. This is more than a sulk. This is defeat.

I dont' think I can go through this again. The aggressive behaviour is now more passive aggressive, but I am tired of it all.

I was raised to respect my parents though and feel weirdly disloyal by ignoring my fathers' email - first contact in over a year.

It's hard to live with parents who are so dysfunctional that they can't even see they've done anything wrong. I don't expect anything from them, but I really thought they may want to participate in our Xmas visit. They haven't seen their Grandchildren in a few years - so I was trying to do the right thing by them.

... Sigh ....

Meditrina, you sound like my Dad.

Travelling with small children does require some sacrifices. Most grandparents I know would put themselves out, just a tiny bit to spend time with their grandchildren.

You are entitled to your opinion. It's a bit Edwardian though.

Med - I think the op was trying to make an effort to keep the relationship going.

Op, you can't choose your family unfortunately & I think for you there's too much water under the bridge. You tried many times. It seems to me all of the hard work has drained you. Is it really worth it?

Your parents are may also have their opinion. They may hold completely different ideas about travel in December. They may tell you these. They may expect you will take them seriously and not steam-roller them.

I am not your father.

Throwing a tantrum on this thread won't change the mind of those who disagree with you.

This is AIBU; you are getting mixed opinions.

Pause and think why.

meditrina - the OP is not throwing a tantrum. Try not to be so insulting.

OP it sounds to me like you arranged the meeting in 2011 out of duty and when they wouldn't fit in with your plans it released you and gave you a reason to do what you really wanted - which was to cut them out.

Forget that these people are your parents for a moment (difficult I know). They beat you, verbally abused you, subjected a child to horrendous arguments and suicide attempts, and, I'm guessing, have never acknowledged any wrongdoing and never even talked to you about it. Continuing to see people like that, when no resolution has occurred can be hugely damaging and I think you're doing the right thing cutting them out.

If you feel up to it, you could reply to your father, calmly, with a description (no holds barred) of why you're not interested in a reconciliation. I can just about guarantee you'll be talking to the wall but it might give you some sense of closure.

Do you know why December didn't work for them? I actually can kind of understand not wanting to travel to London a couple of days before Christmas to be perfectly fair. The Paris bit less so, but maybe they are set in their ways?

It's hard because I live abroad too from my parents and I think if mine announced that they were coming in a month where I already had a lot of plans but they wanted me to do a lot of things with them that I didn't really fancy, I might dig my heels in a bit too.

It is hard when you see parents for short periods as it is all quite intense, I understand that.

No idea whether you should reconcile - as you're abroad, could you keep contact to skype and emails and see how it goes?

Given what you have said about your childhood and your parents' behaviour, YANBU. Many would have done it before now.

However. Clearly they are very toxic and you need you keep them at a distance, for your own emotional health as much as anything. That said, a permanent split isn't always simple - it might be accompanied by recriminations on your parents' part, guilt for you etc, unless you had some counselling to work brought it.

Could you respond to your father in a calm and unemotional way, saying you're sure you will keep in contact, wishing him well etc, but keeping things distant? Then find a level in the relationship that suits you, whether that's birthday and Christmas cards, a phone call twice a year, or whatever? It does sound as though you need a more detached relationship for the sake of your own peace of mind and sanity.

Really it comes down to - do you want them in your life?

Regarding the visit in December, I agree with meditrina

But overall, I don't think contact with them is a good thing and think caul post males sense

I didn't mean to come across as insulting, and I am sorry if it has been taken that way. I was answering I perceived to be a PA comments directed at me. I have no wish whatsoever to provoke or inflame.

YANBU. Any normal grandparents would put the effort in to visit you in London if you normally live on the other side of the world. They should have wanted to see you and your dc when it was possible even if it was a bit inconvenient. YANBU to be hurt by their actions.
In your position I would cut them off now. Do they make you happy? Do they bring anything to your life at all apart from bad memories and drama?
Do you have any siblings you could discuss this with in real life? That might help you to see it in context.

WOW YANBU Op - your parents sound almost like clones of mine. I understand going through the motions of a family relationship just because you do not know what else to do. Having them in your life will be a constant unhappy burden. What they have done to you and will continue to do is so damaging to you and therefore your children.

I haven't spoken to my parents for almost two years. I miss not having parents..but there 'love' came at a price and on their terms. They threatened to withdraw their relationship with me so many times. So I took it upon myself to end it before my children grew too attached. They were emotionally abusive and my step father physically abusive.

Now is the time to put yourself first

Their relationship with eachother is dysfunctional. As is your relationship with them. Personally, I'd give up.

Yanbu to cut contact after your childhood. But agree with mediterranea about your trip in December. They are not obliged to do as they are told because you have spent £20 k on your holiday with your own itinerary. December is bonkers in London you can't move.

I also think saying a poster sounds like your dad who you described as violent is a bit off colour tbh.

Um, maybe HE didn't like the idea of December, but as it was his GRANDCHILDREN's only opportunity to come over to this country due to their holidays he should have sucked it up! It does sound very controlling of him and YANBU.

And in my experience of London (17 years of living there) Christmas is no worse than any other time of year, as long as you avoid Oxford Street. although that may be because I lived in East London where no-one wanted to go until the Olympics

The OP isn't throwing a tantrum.

YANBU. I am grateful for two sets of grandparents who understand how holidays work on the other side of he world and would actively want to see their grandchildren - in fact, be desperate to - even if it did involve them having to go a little bit out of their way.

OP - I am sorry that your parents are they way they are. For the sake of your own sanity and blood pressure, I think continuing to cut off contact is the right thing.

This incidence is disappointing enough, even in isolation IMO, but combine it with their whole back story and you're better off without them.

"December is bonkers in London you can't move. "

Spoken as a true tourist, no doubt. December is fine here - just not in the main shopping districts.