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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Why didn't you?'

27 replies

sallysparrow157 · 13/08/2012 01:52

This is a thread about many threads, not one in particular.
Someone posts about something bad that has happened - anything from someone borrowing your biro at work to someone being raped. In amongst all the helpful and supportive comments there will be numerous 'why didn't you.....'
AIBU to think this is not very helpful and is potentially very hurtful?
In a situation where something bad has happened it is natural to think 'what if I...?' 'why didn't i...?' and reflecting can sometimes be useful for future situations but when someone else comes along and basically says 'you were wrong, you should have...' this is just kicking someone when they are down, surely?
I'm lucky enough not to have been in the horrible situations that some people on here have found themselves due to sheer bad luck and circumstance but I have a quite stressful job and sometimes when things go wrong I get the 'why didn't you...' 'if you had just...'
But I only get that from people who are insecure in their role and feel they need to constntly prove and defend theirselves. When shit happens and my senior at that point is someone who believes in themselves, is knowledgable, confident and happy in their role, they make sure everyone is ok, they make sure I am ok and we sit down together at a later point when all has calmed down and we think about things without allocating blame.

'why didn't you' and 'you should have ' and 'if only you had' sound a lot like blame when you've already been kicked and you're already down.

OP posts:

ChaosTrulyReigns · 13/08/2012 02:17

Is it to do with the fact that people want to convince themselves that they couldn't possibly be a victim, because they would do the Right Thing and therefore they would be invincible?

To take your biro example further, if you were desperate not to have your biro taken from you, perhaps you would scratch your name on it. Then anyone who doesn't do what you would do, obviously is only a victim because they didn't do the Right Thing, thus convincing yourself that you could never be in the position of having your biro taken.

Dyswim?

Someone wiser will be akong shortly.

AgentZigzag · 13/08/2012 02:20

'Why didn't you...?' is a valid question, and you're minimsing the role of reflecting on a situation to think about what you'd do if you were in the same situation.

It's about working out your own, as well as the person you're talking to's, reaction to the freaky things life can throw at you.

I wouldn't necessarily see it as blaming someone, although you see it used to have a dig at posters on here sometimes.

Not everything can be thrashed out nicely so everyone's still friends afterwards, sometimes a person on the outside can give you a valuable insight into what could be going on.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 13/08/2012 02:21

I think it depends.

Woman is raped on her way home from work at night ?why didn't you get a cab" = totally unacceptable and unnecessary because the responsibility lies with the man to not rape, not with the woman to prevent man from raping, she did nothing to provoke the man, he did no rape her by accident.

Person A is angry because person B used their pen and did return it "Why didn't you say something?" Is a valid question because person b may not have realised person A was that bothered about the pen, and may have simply forgotten to return in, in which case, person a saying somehing like "have you got my pen?" Will most likely solve the problem and result in person B returning the pen.

AgentZigzag · 13/08/2012 02:22

Still waiting for the wiser person...

AgentZigzag · 13/08/2012 02:22

That wasn't saying you weren't wise Chaos

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 13/08/2012 02:22

Didnt* return it even

Original poster

sallysparrow157 · 13/08/2012 02:23

Chaos - I do see what you mean and I guess with my work example it fits well - someone inexperienced will think 'oh, how stupid she was, of course she should have scratched her name on the biro as I did that last week and I still have my biro, now she will learn, fool!' whereas someone more experienced in life and/or work will think 'well, sometimes I didn't scrach my name on the biro cos i left my scratchy tool at home and sometimes I did scratch my name but some bastard stole it anyway - either way you are left without a biro so I will lend you mine'
are we stretching the biro theory to breaking point yet?!

OP posts:

ChaosTrulyReigns · 13/08/2012 02:24

Just hopefully not a sostressed preson, huh, AgentZig?

lovebunny · 13/08/2012 02:30

no sign of a wiser person...
this is aibu. some posters enjoy being unpleasant. so if an o p has had a misfortune, 'why didn't you...' becomes a useful device by which to undermine him or her.
there are other boards which are much more gentle and where people are very supportive. which is not to say that people here are never supportive - but it depends on which way the wind is blowing...

Original poster

sallysparrow157 · 13/08/2012 02:31

zigzag - it can be a valid question, I agree, and reflecting is useful both for the person to whom the bad thing has happened and the people she/he is talking to about it. But I think there are 'why didn't you''s and 'why didn't you''s.
As QOD says - 'why didnt you get a cab?' - it may be cos they had no money, home was 2 mins away, there were no cabs, they didn't want to - reflecting on why they didn't get a cab is unhelpful if they got assaulted on the way home. But 'why didn't you talk to the person who has upset you?' can be helpful and reflective and all that good stuff.

OP posts:

HeleninaGoldChariot · 13/08/2012 02:32

YANBU I've always found this inexplicable and totally unhelpful. Except if someone wants their biro back of course

AgentZigzag · 13/08/2012 02:32

You are a truly wise person Chaos, much more than me.

Lots of people posting this time of night are from other countries probably.

But aside from the serious situations where the 'why didn't you' are used against an OP who's distressed, it's one of the main things I value about MN, because it can give you answers to unique situations you'd never dream of in a thousand years.

That could mean posting something judgy and believing everyone else will feel the same only to get a kicking.

But it can also mean getting helpful perspectives on situations where you're really struggling to stay afloat.

Which is reflected in the love/hate relationship lots of posters seem to have with MN.

Original poster

sallysparrow157 · 13/08/2012 02:34

lovebunny - i'm not specifically talking about aibu threads, but many threads I have seen in all topics and also about my experiences at work. Do agree that it is a good tool for undermining people though, certainly has that effect when it's happened to me

OP posts:

Original poster

sallysparrow157 · 13/08/2012 02:37

(I'm not from other countries, just had a crappy day at work, late finish, day off tomorrow so having a nice little wind down. Wish I was from/in other countries thought - they might be sunnier!)

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 13/08/2012 02:38

'As QOD says - 'why didnt you get a cab?' - it may be cos they had no money, home was 2 mins away, there were no cabs, they didn't want to -'

Which is why people normally put all the reasoning behind their decision in the OP, if they don't, posters have to ask the basic things just to get a handle on what the situation is.

It's when the OP's jumped on for drip feeding when they don't put everything in at the start because they were upset that I don't like.

You'd be wading through pages of peoples memoirs if they didn't cut it down.

doinmummy · 13/08/2012 02:39

I have asked the 'why didn't you question' many times myself but hopefully not in situations where it just isn't helpful.

DD phoning me to say she;s locked out......why didn't you take your key?

Maybe it's not asked in an accusing way,just someone thinking out loud and speaking before thinking. Or maybe instead of asking why didn't you....? it would have been more tactful to say were you not able to ....?

I have read the posts tonight where there have been some shockingly stupid and tactless questions asked.

Original poster

sallysparrow157 · 13/08/2012 02:42

zigzag - i do agree that the challenging and questioning is one of the great things about here but on the other hand as you say 'why didn't you' can be used against people and sometimes the trouble with somewhere like here where being outspoken is the norm people can justify nastiness, judegemtalness and spite with 'I'm just speaking my mind - I would have done x, I'm just asking'

OP posts:

Original poster

sallysparrow157 · 13/08/2012 02:47

doin - at the point where she is locked out though - 'why didn't you take your key?' won't help - having been locked out (yes, through sheer stupidity in uni when I left my key in the room!) when I got home and realised I was locked out I was stressed, upset, frustrated at my own stupidity and so on. The next day I was able to have the 'why didn't you take your key' conversation and have managed to avoid locking myself out ever since by reflecting and so on. If someone had asked me why I didn't take my key at the time I was locked out I probably would have either collapsed into a sobbing heap and said I didn't take my key cos I am uselsess, or told them to fuck off and just let me in!

OP posts:

doinmummy · 13/08/2012 02:51

Yes sally the response I got from my DD was " OMG I just didn't pick it up Ok . OMG am I expected to remember everything"

I was just trying to say that in some situations it's not as damaging to ask a question as it is in others. I'm rubbish at explaining myself.

Original poster

sallysparrow157 · 13/08/2012 03:10

I know what you mean, I guess the keys thing resonates with me - yeah it was about 15 years ago but I still remember feeling like a prick when I was locked out of my halls of res and had to call security to let me in! (of course there were also the times I couldn't get in cos I had my key but was too pissed to get it into the lock! Not entirely sure which is worse! Joys of student life, eh?!)

OP posts:

doinmummy · 13/08/2012 03:30

It's almost a rhetorical question I guess because in some cases if the person had done the 'why didn't you...' then they wouldn't be in that situation in the first place.

mockingjay · 13/08/2012 05:35

I know what you mean OP. Sometimes "why didn't you" is helpful and supportive. But often it's not. You see it quite a lot on threads where someone's having a moan about their exH, and a bright spark says something like "well if he's such an idiot why did you have kids with him". Because you lost your crystal ball...

greenbananas · 13/08/2012 07:02

I think "why didn't you...?" is an unhelpful construction of words, which does not always indicate that people are actually being unhelpful.

For example, if a child is struggling with practising potting a basketball, an adult might say "why don't you stand a bit closer?". This sounds negative, like a criticism of the child - "you should have thought have that yourself, you are silly not to have thought have this". It is so much more positive to suggest something like "perhaps you could try standing a bit closer". The information given is exactly the same, but it sounds better.

Scrounginscum · 13/08/2012 07:34

I agree with free bananas.

NCForNow · 13/08/2012 08:27

Similarly, why do people join in on a thread that is three pages long and repeat what has been said on page one...despite the fact that the convo has moved on and gathered pace until it's a conversation.

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