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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DH to butt out of how I deal with the kids behaviour (if he's not in the room)

35 replies

messagetoyourudy · 12/08/2012 21:52

Background to this....
Today DH went upstairs to read his book and have some 'quiet-time' and our 2 DS were being 'lively' downstairs as they often are - they are 5 and 7. Play-fighting turned into something with a bit more meaningful, DS2 picked up a toy lightsabre and came running towards DS1 with it, to which I shouted "Put it down, put it down, PUT IT DOWN!" and took the lightsabre away. DS2 shouted at me and then suddenly DH came flying downstairs shouting at DS2 telling him to get up to his room, and then chasing him up the stairs shouting at him, and smacked him on the bottom.

I was furious at this and shouted at DH for hitting DS2, and called him a shit etc etc. It was a totally over the top reaction and one that didn't require his input in any way especially the smacking part. DH eventually said DS2 could come out of his room and we have played at happy families for the rest of the day.

Now DH and I have just had another great row about it, as DH thinks I should back him up, and that the kids need shaking up from time to time, that I have totally undermined him by speaking too much in front of the children, and he thinks I went into DS2 room to say "Daddy's a shit".......I can't even get my head around the situation. I have told him to butt out and that in no way shape or form do I want him coming in and having a totally over the top reaction to what he believes a situation to be.

I agree that the kids are a bit crazy some-times but I really don't think flying off the handle is a helpful way to respond. I can be a shouty mum sometimes and I know that's not the best way to be but but but....arrggghhh!

OP posts:
Socknickingpixie · 12/08/2012 21:55

did you point out that he undermined you by interupting your method of disapline?

MrMiyagi · 12/08/2012 21:56

Yatotallynbu, it's not like he's their parent either...

StuntGirl · 12/08/2012 22:10

You're both being unreasonable. Time to sit down and work out a strategy for dealing with the kids behaviour together.

Original poster
messagetoyourudy · 12/08/2012 22:12

He is their father - sorry if I didn't make that clear.

Yes, I said that he had no reason to come downstairs - he just says he is sick of it all and the kids are cheeking us and being rude and it's about time they were shaken up, as my methods are not working. Seeing as his way of dealing with things is normally to walk out the room muttering he can't be bothered and is just sick of it all, there seems to be no middlle ground.

OP posts:
Loshad · 12/08/2012 22:17

but why did you call him a shit in front of your dcs, great example (not)

zippey · 12/08/2012 22:20

Sounds like he was trying to help you out with the discipline rather than trying to undermine you (which he may have done so by butting in, though I dont think so)

I think you were wrong to call him a shit etc, esp in earshot of your child. Maybe a quiet word out of earshot.

But discipline should be a team effort, good luck!

baskingseals · 12/08/2012 22:26

i think he was totally out of order. he wasn't in the same room. think you also can't say 'no whacking' and then smack.

i'm on your side op.

CaliforniaLeaving · 12/08/2012 23:28

You need to talk and agree not to interfere when the other is disaplining unless you ask them. I can see this happening here. Dh switches to day shift tomorrow after 7 years of pm's Dd is 7 and we've had our evenings sorted without him all along, I can see him butting in. So I too will be having the talk.

AmberLeaf · 12/08/2012 23:45

He totally undermined you.

The children will learn to ignore what you say and wait for big bad dad to come hollering in.

He sounds like a tosser.

Tartymuffin · 12/08/2012 23:52

How can you teach children to treat other people with respect if you are shouting and swearing at their Dad in front of them?

How can you teach children not to hit by hitting them?

Think you were both were out of order, in different ways.

You need to sit down, away from the children, and work out a method of discipline that you are BOTH happy with, and will BOTH stick to. And if your OH can't be arsed to do it for the sake of your children and their futures, then maybe you should consider whether you can be arsed keeping him around.

Either way you were both in the wrong IMO.

Original poster
messagetoyourudy · 13/08/2012 08:22

I know my behaviour was far from perfect, I lost my rag because of his over the top reaction and I wanted to 'protect' our DS2 - he didn't deserve punishment he got.

DH has lost the plot over the whole situation. He woke me up at 3am because he had a bad dream about it all! He was still fuming, and was swearing at me about the damage I have done undermining him and that the children will need alot more smacking to even things up, and for them to understand that he means business.....I just can't even understand his thinking on this, and I just wouldn't even reply last night other than to say I wasn't going to have an argument about it at 3am!

He's now gone to work without even talking to me. I can't help but worry about his mental state to be honest.

He has always been a bit of the mind set that the kids don't respect him enough, but I feel that because he doesn't do alot to earn respect. His past behaviour has been far from perfect - things going out all night, coming home 24 hours late, sleeping all the next day etc. In fact once we nearly went on holiday without him because he failed to come home after a night out. However in the last year he has totally knocked that behaviour on the head but he now seems to be in a limbo state of mourning the life he has lost and not liking the life he has.

I am against hitting children, he is for it. (His parents used to have a stick that he would get threatened with) DH thinks that threat of smacking will magically get the children to 'behave' more. I don't know how we can agree on a middle ground.

OP posts:
confusedgypsychick · 13/08/2012 08:27

Sounds like you're both doing a crap job. Perhaps best to sit down and work out a disciplining strategy that you both agree with.

Hesterton · 13/08/2012 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NCForNow · 13/08/2012 08:34

The main thing is that one can't have "quiet time" in the house when you're a parent of two DC who are still small.

You simply can't. It sounds like he reacted in an irritable way because his "quiet time" was interrupted...something I would probably do to my shame.

He was unreasonable and so were you...and the DC. Chalk it up to experience, move on and plan for the future in this instance. DH and I do similar things tbh and we have said that whenever one of us overreacts, the other should step in to calm things.

NCForNow · 13/08/2012 08:36

Having read your last post, I think you need family counselling.

camdancer · 13/08/2012 08:42

It sounds a bit like he's made all these changes to be the "perfect" dad but the children haven't become "perfect" children yet. Does he have unrealistic expectations of the children? A lightsaber fight on a Sunday afternoon doesn't sound dreadful but maybe it was the last straw.

What about going to a parenting course together? Even if it isn't the type of parenting you want, it might start the dialogue. Or even just reading a parenting book. It worrys me a bit that he feels that smacking more will make the children respect him more.

Kayano · 13/08/2012 08:50

6 of one... Confused

Original poster
messagetoyourudy · 13/08/2012 09:43

I have read several parenting type books - 'How to talk so children will listen' '123 magic' 'Secrets of happy children', I try and explain the principles of what the books say but DH is not interested trying to adapt his style or read the books himself.

I have just sent him a text to say I am sorry that I lost my temper with him and that I hope we can work something out together.

Yes, he does have totally unrealist expectations, he is in conflict with himself - on one hand he doesn't like the way his parents were with him, which was totally hands off approach, go out and play don't bother the grown ups. DH is dyslexic and it wasn't spotted til he was 14, his dad used to call him thick and throw books at him out of frustration that his son wasn't trying toread!
On the other hand he feels our children behave in a way he would never have done - ie shout or cry or fight or answer back. That their behaviour isn't 'normal' and that they don't do what they are told when they are told to do it.

I'm not perfect no-one is are they?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 13/08/2012 10:23

No one is perfect but not everyone that isn't perfect is abusive either.

Your DH is. Sorry.

You've just apologised for protecting your child from a beating. Because you DH was giving you the silent treatment not to mention the sleep depravation (waking you at 3am)

This is not normal.

You don't have to put up with it and neither should your kids.

AmberLeaf · 13/08/2012 10:24

And he's blaming your children for his inadequacies as a parent. He's saying its their fault for because they shout/fight etc.

Not good at all.

AmberLeaf · 13/08/2012 10:26

Hell probably say its your fault they do those (normal) things too.

Anything but take personal responsibility.

CrapBag · 13/08/2012 10:30

YANBU. Whilst I really hate swearing in front of children, I hate it when DH shouts from another room whilst I am telling the children off. He often joins in when DS is already doing as I have asked and he can't even see whats going on. It really pisses me off. It was completely unnecessary for your DH to do what he did and IMO he totally over reacted in his punishment as well.

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 13/08/2012 11:18

God parenting is hard isn't it? It's had enough to get your head around how you want to behave by yourself let alone agreeing with another person over it.

DS is only 18 months so I have all this to come but I know for sure I'm not going to stand by and let anybody smack the children I've carried and given birth to. That's the first thing I'd tackle I think.

I don't understand why your DH thinks it was unacceptable that he was hit as a child and yet thinks it's OK for him to do it! I also think he needs to understand that 1) his children are different people to him and 2) probably the only reason he didn't act the way they act is because he was scared into submission - is that what he wants for his children? For them to be afraid of him?

He needs to take much more of an involved parental position if he wants a relationship with them. I don't think you should have sworn at him but he was completely out of order interfering in a situation that you already had under control - how does he know your methods 'aren't working' if he's upstairs having 'quiet time' what is that by-the-way?!

I think you need to sit down and have a long talk about how you both want to parent, maybe discuss the realities of how children can be 'expected' to behave for their age because I think a lot of the time we expect them to have the same logic and ideals as us and of course they don't!

hackmum · 13/08/2012 11:28

Your DH was very wrong, both to undermine you and to hit one of the children.

I think this is one of the very hardest things about parenting, though. I have sometimes seen my DH lose his temper with our DD about something very minor, and I have waded in asking him not to shout and tried to sort the problem out myself. He says I am undermining his parenting - which I guess I am. But I can't bear to watch DD being shouted at for something that isn't really very bad, and that could be dealt with by a quiet word.

harrietspy · 13/08/2012 11:53

I really feel for you. I recognise this. It's horrible. You didn't do yourself any favours by swearing at him, but I think you know that. YANBU.