to tell DH to butt out of how I deal with the kids behaviour (if he's not in the room)

[messagetoyourudy]

Background to this....
Today DH went upstairs to read his book and have some 'quiet-time' and our 2 DS were being 'lively' downstairs as they often are - they are 5 and 7. Play-fighting turned into something with a bit more meaningful, DS2 picked up a toy lightsabre and came running towards DS1 with it, to which I shouted "Put it down, put it down, PUT IT DOWN!" and took the lightsabre away. DS2 shouted at me and then suddenly DH came flying downstairs shouting at DS2 telling him to get up to his room, and then chasing him up the stairs shouting at him, and smacked him on the bottom.

I was furious at this and shouted at DH for hitting DS2, and called him a shit etc etc. It was a totally over the top reaction and one that didn't require his input in any way especially the smacking part. DH eventually said DS2 could come out of his room and we have played at happy families for the rest of the day.

Now DH and I have just had another great row about it, as DH thinks I should back him up, and that the kids need shaking up from time to time, that I have totally undermined him by speaking too much in front of the children, and he thinks I went into DS2 room to say "Daddy's a shit".......I can't even get my head around the situation. I have told him to butt out and that in no way shape or form do I want him coming in and having a totally over the top reaction to what he believes a situation to be.

I agree that the kids are a bit crazy some-times but I really don't think flying off the handle is a helpful way to respond. I can be a shouty mum sometimes and I know that's not the best way to be but but but....arrggghhh!

i think the thing you have to concider with regard to shouting at children and smacking them is do you feel its ok to do just because the person doing it is one of the parents?

this is quite a biggy for a lot of people when one parent has the attitude of "my parents smacked me and it did me no harm" and the other is very anti smacking.

if you personally feel smacking and that type of disapline is unacceptable or abusive then its not undermining to protect your children from it when anybody does it.its your job as a parent to do that.

im not going to comment on how other people choose to disapline there own children because it is such a fine line between what some people concider to be perfectly normal smacking and what others may concider to be unacceptable but i do know with regard to my own children and just my own children if anybody smacked them at all i would intervine to stop it and that person would never be in a possition where they could do so again. i personally wouldnt view it as undermineing i would concider it as protecting them from abuse i would also concider not doing so as coluding and failing to protect. and yes some children do need to be protected from a parent especially when that parent lacks insite as to the nature of there own actions and failings.i dont think its ok to intentionally hurt or try to shock a child into submission just because that child shares 50% of there dna with you

Its really hard when u have different styles of parenting isn't it. I am a great parent on my own! Dh finds it harder to adapt to modern parentong with the trend to understtanding the behaviour, I think. I suspect you are not alone, op, in this dilemma.

Notactuallyme - your right I am a different parent on my own, I let them do stuff that DH might not approve of! And I know from having good friends who are mums or sharing stories at the school gates or over a cup of tea, that other peoples children are less than perfect too.

I am a great believer in understanding where the behaviour has come from, and expect children to be just that children. They are still learning right from wrong, how to deal with anger or frustration and we have to guide them on this. I will admit I do sometimes shout too much( mainly at certain points like trying to get out the house to go to work and the kids still haven't put their shoes on or whatever. )

My DH has still runs around with alot of younger friends and doesnt really have any 'dad' friends so he doesn't have anything other than his brother (who's kids are older and therefore seemingly better behaved) or his own childhood to refer to.

At the moment though DH is really shocking me, it's like the straw that broke the camels back. His reaction at the moment is so extreme I don't know how to comprimise on this.

Well we seem to be in similar places, except my dh has agreed to the smacking ban, and doesn't.I don't really have. any great advice; we get by, I am the main carer and the kids are usually well behaved. I also get tired and shout a lot; patience is always exhausting. I do think that we should put a lot of store by good intentions; you and your dh want to raise the kids right, you love them and you don't want to hurt them, you care about them. That does count for something. Can you agree on the big issues, and agree to let each other discipline on their watch (eg joint strategy on supermarket behaviour)

I would happily discuss in a rational manner, and have dug out a couple of books to see if he will read them. However he has come home from work drunk a can of cider and fallen asleep on the bed all bloody evening! No doubt tired after raging at me at 3am.....

Ah! Maaybe not last night then...I hope you can get some sort of agreement worked out. I don't like being 'helped' to discipline mine.

Last comment meant generally - when people add little comments like 'listen to your mother' etc in town I I know its well meant but a bit distracting.

You need to agree some Ground rules for disciplining children ( eg smacking), and how to moderate each other when you think it's wrong. Fwiw our rules are "person in situation deals with it, and never crap on each other in front of the kids" - not perfect, doesnt always happen, but its simple and practical.

And btw discipling small kids is hard, and they are resilient, so cut both of you a lot of slack.

His reaction was totally over the top so I thin you were right to intervene, you probably could have handled it better but that's always easy to say with hindsight. I were be concerned about what he has since said. I think you really need to come to an agreement on how you will both discipline.