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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about this?

27 replies

ReindeerBollocks · 12/08/2012 20:32

I had a miscarriage of a much wanted DC3 on weds (confirmed on Friday by a negative test as advised by HCP).

One of my best friends has just rang me to tell me that she is pregnant with her first baby. She found out on Friday. I am over the moon for her, she is a fantastic person and her baby will be every much loved by the couple (and me too). I was very upbeat on the phone and have also text her congratualate her and told her that if she needs anything to ring me.

However, now I feel a bit down and quite sad. And I feel horrendously guilty for feeling like this. I am so happy for her (and her Lovely DP), and She is unaware of my miscarriage and it will stay that way.

Am I ok to feel a bit sad? It feels like such a guilty feeling amidst much happiness. Please AIBU crowd, slap some sense into me!

OP posts:
Original poster
ReindeerBollocks · 12/08/2012 20:32

That should be very much loved by the couple

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 12/08/2012 20:34

Of course you aren't BU. At all. I'm very sorry to hear about your mc x

StinkyPig · 12/08/2012 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lucyellensmum99 · 12/08/2012 20:34

No slaps from me honey, you be kind to yourself xxx

kilmuir · 12/08/2012 20:35

You are allowed to feel sad. You are grieving loss of your baby, but does not mean you can not be happy for your friend

FannyMcNee · 12/08/2012 20:36

Perfectly acceptable to feel as you do.

Sorry about your mc. x

FreudianLisp · 12/08/2012 20:37

I am sorry you've suffered such a horrible loss. And however pleased you are for your friend, how could you not feel sad, unless you're an unfeeling robot - which you're clearly not.

JeezyPeeps · 12/08/2012 20:37

Oh gosh, of course YANBU.

Time will help, but it's early days. You did good. Just be kind to yourself, and take the time you need to heal. It's okay to be sad when you've lost a baby, of course it is!

IMissPlutoBeingaPlanet · 12/08/2012 20:38

Of course you are not being unreasonable, it sounds like you've handled a very difficult and horrible situation very well. You feel very proud for being a good friend. Hope you feel better soon.

lovebunny · 12/08/2012 20:39

sorry, not going to oblige with the slapping!
i'm sorry for your loss. of course you're going to feel sad. don't ask too much of yourself, just go with it.
why not do something special to mark the passing of dc3? it might be a bit soon, too traumatic, but sometimes people plant a tree...no-one else needs know why.
gentle hugs for you.

everlong · 12/08/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 12/08/2012 20:47

YANBU at all - so sad that you had a m/c Sad. No slaps from me, I think you were lovely to be so kind to your friend, and to manage to do it without breaking down into tears of self-pity (which is probably what I would have done).

If it's any consolation (probably not...) I had 2 m/c's trying for DC3, he is going to be 18mo next week. You are allowed to feel sad, m/c is such an awful thing to go through.

Original poster
ReindeerBollocks · 12/08/2012 20:51

Oh and now I'm bloody crying again! Damn you nice people.

I guess I have been looking at it from a mindset of being lucky to have two DC's already, so a third DC would be a very big blessing.

This is her first baby, of course it should be nothing but happiness. And she has been so fabulous with both my DC's that I am pleased to finally be returning the favour. I was so happy when she announced her engagement I rushed round with champagne and flowers - that's what we do for each other.

But, her baby would have been due the week after mine. And that stings a little. Hence the guilty feelings.

I will still buy her nice baby things and look after her the way she did me. Just annoys me that I feel a bit sad about it. That's an annoyance of myself, rather than of her.

OP posts:
StepfordWannabe · 12/08/2012 20:51

Been there, still am in fact. It seems there are pregnant people EVERYWHERE including some very dear friends. While I couldn't be happier for them all, it breaks my heart at the same time - I just really, really want it to be me

purpleloosestrife · 12/08/2012 20:53

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

I had friends who had 2 yes TWO DC whilst we were childless month after month. You can feel happy for them and feel grief for your situation all at the same time. it is very confusing, because one minute you are feeling (genuine) joy for a lovely friend and for her pregnancy, and the next minute you feel like sobbing for the utter frustration and grief .......

YANBU

I am sending you hugs, and give yourself a break.

MrsHelsBels74 · 12/08/2012 20:58

You are not being unreasonable. I had a miscarriage last October & in January my friend/work colleague told me she was pregnant. To make it worse in my opinion was that she said it was unplanned & that her husband didn't want another child yet (they have 2 already & first born has severe autism). I was absolutely consumed with jealousy/it's not fair syndrome. I hated myself for feeling like that but just couldn't help it.

Luckily in my case a week later I got a much longed for BFP & we're actually due 4 days apart. I don't know how I would have dealt with it if I hadn't fallen pregnant myself.

kotinka · 12/08/2012 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 12/08/2012 21:07

I had my first MD, my DSis fell pregnant shortly after. I had my 2nd MC, my DSis fell pregnant shortly after. I had my 3rd MC, my DSis fell preg shortly after. It hurt, very badly! She never knew. I am sure your friend will never know.

My eldest DC is 4 weeks younger than her youngest DC. I adore my nephews and am very proud of the young men they have become!!

YANBU, but I hope you come to enjoy her pregnancy with her and become a doting 'Aunt' to her DC. Sending you unmumsnetty hugs and hope you have DC3 on the way before her DC is born.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 12/08/2012 21:09

YANBU. Let yourself just feel. No feeling is right or wrong in this situation. You are allowed to feel anything.

I am sorry for your loss. You sound like an amazing friend. She is lucky to have you. I doubt I would have coped so well.

baskingseals · 12/08/2012 21:10

yanbu at all. the pain of miscarriage can be searing. i was devastated when i had a missed miscarriage.
i phoned the miscarriage association and howled down the phone on more than one occasion, the women i spoke/sobbed to were amazing. it might be worth giving them a call. so sorry.

lastnerve · 12/08/2012 21:15

Its a completely normal; feeling, so sorry thinking of you.

Slainte · 12/08/2012 21:25

YANBU at all. A MC is such a heart breaking event. You are such a wonderful friend too to not let on to your friend. I had a similar experience in that someone was due the day after me and it's so hard to be cheery for them, so a big pat on the back for you. And be kind to yourself, you are in a period of grieving now. Hugs to you.

LynetteScavo · 12/08/2012 21:39

YANBU!

Go easy on yourself. x

BartletForTeamGB · 12/08/2012 21:42

Oh gosh, no, YANBU. Each and every pregnancy announcement since we lost DD has come with, yes, happiness for them, but it has all definitely been tinged (sometimes more overwhelmed) by sadness for our loss and what we wanted things to be like.

Some friends have been so thoughtful though and let me know about their pregnancies by email or letter, so I can have a little cry on my own/with DH, before having to sound all happy for them.

BartletForTeamGB · 12/08/2012 21:42

Oh gosh, no, YANBU. Each and every pregnancy announcement since we lost DD has come with, yes, happiness for them, but it has all definitely been tinged (sometimes more overwhelmed) by sadness for our loss and what we wanted things to be like.

Some friends have been so thoughtful though and let me know about their pregnancies by email or letter, so I can have a little cry on my own/with DH, before having to sound all happy for them.

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