My sister's job is ruining my life.

[D0oinMeCleanin]

Dramatic I know, but that is how I feel. I just don't know what to do.

She begged me to help her get a job because she is skint but her partner works shifts and she has four children, making childcare difficult. She figured if she got a job in my place then I could do her shifts when her partner is working and she'd do some others of mine instead. Which is fair enough. I was happy to help. She's my sister and I adore her and hate seeing her struggle.

She has now got a job in my place. Her shifts are Wednesdays (split shift) and Thursday day. I am off Thursday night anyway.

She never fecking well does any of her shifts and I am fed up. I feel like she is taking the piss.

The boss is off this week and she hasn't picked up enough to be able to do her shifts unsupervised, so I have to work this week for her. He's back next week, but she can't do her shifts then either, because she is going on a holiday a-fucking-gain. For the second time since getting her job, so I'll have to do those shifts for her too.

When she gets back her partner will be on nights for two weeks so I'll have to do those shifts too.

So for four weeks I will see my kids only on thursday evening and a sunday while she swans about on holiday with all of hers, even though she's that fucking skint if I don't get her a job she can't afford to give her kids a birthday

I want to ask for her to be sacked so that someone who wants to work can take her job and I get some time off.

AIBU? I feel awful, but I cannot keep working every god damn night so she can work when it suits her. Dd1 now cannot join family judo with me because it's on one of my sister's nights, which I always have to do. I have had to cancel the dog's training class which is something I needed to do to help my future job prospects (I am starting a uni course in dog training and wanted to get first hand experience of group training classes) because it is on one of my sister's nights. Her confidence or lack of means she is not picking the job up quick enough to any weekends because she'd be too slow to pick it up, so I can't have any weekends off.

I don't see how that helps tbh. You still can't make a plan to go out and do anything/go to bed early or anything else if you have promised to be there at her beck and call.

Her partner's opinion on her working or not is up to her to deal with, not you. She needs to get a job that doesn't clash with his nightshifts, or they need to organise some childcare for themselves.
You are enabling him to treat her as a second class person, because you are doing what he should be doing and compromising your own life to fit around his family.

I'm also going to talk to my boss about stopping her from working shifts she can do because he can't be there with her.

ITS NOT YOUR PLACE!

It's not your problem that there's noone else, you aren't the boss! You are just an employee, you have a right to say "no, I can't do overtime" or "these are the only extra shifts I'll do" - if that leaves noone able to do the shifts, that's the person in charge's problem, not yours!

Stop taking responsibility for things that aren't your responsibility. If your DSis hasn't been paid, then she needs to talk to her boss, unless you work in payroll, it is not your job to ensure staff members are paid, it's their employers responsibility. If your employer hasn't properly trained the staff who are to cover the other shifts, that's not your problem (your employer could always cancel their holiday, the down side of being a business owner, you are where the buck stops). Your employer is completely entitled to refuse to allow your sister's holiday request at such short notice. Or to insist they speak to you and see if you would want to do the extra shifts before agreeing.

Step back, don't get involved and take on someone else's job. Say what you will and won't do, leave it to the other adults to sort out their problems.

If she weren't your sister but another colleague, who rang in at short notice to say they couldn't do their shift or wanted holiday for example, you would n't be acting this way and frankly your employer would be looking for a more reliable replacement. Almost certainly her behaviour is reflecting badly on you. She can't need this job as badly as you seem to believe or she would be looking for alternative solutions herself. She just expects you to keep the spot warm for as and when it suits her to turn up.

"She begged me to help her get a job because she is skint"

"My mum ... has revealed to me that my sister doesn't actually like her job, nor did she want it. Her partner wants her to work and pushed her into it. They don't need the money, either. It's also her partner and not her who is booking all the holidays, without considering me."

"I've now spoken to my sister. She didn't want the job but is happy now she has it. She does want to keep working there. She is going to talk to her partner about going away this week, when she cannot work because the boss is going away and then she can do her shifts next week."

Your sister seems very passive, not challenging her husband on going away, not asking the boss for her wages. It also seems to me that she changes her story a lot depending on who she's telling. Tells you she's skint, tell mum she's not. Begs you to help her get the job and wants to keep working there, but tells your mum she doesn't like it. Is she always like this.

And her partner - insists she works, but then books holidays that means she can't work. If he is so desperate to go to the caravan on his 17 days off, does she really have to go too? Can't he and the 4 DC go themselves? I presume he is happy to do the childcare, otherwise he wouldn't have "pushed her into" a job. So why is he sabotaging it? Does he even realise that that is what he is doing?

The only problem here OP is you. Learn to say no and learn to let other adults sort themselves out.

Whereyouleftit's quotes are interesting. It doesn't really make sense.

Sorry OP but you are an easy mark, people can see you coming and tug on your heartstrings to get what they want. Your sister is never going to function as adult unless she sorts her shit and shifts and backpay out. And you are enabling her by babying her like this. Which will only be bad for her in the long run.

I have to wonder if you like this, in some masochistic way because i knew someone who used to moan in the same way, disregard quite right and appropriate advice and then moan again weeks later when lather, rinse, repeat. She couldn't understand why no one had any sympathy for her in the end but she made the rod for her own back. When it reached a head, she and her family had a serious falling out and she started saying no; a month or two after she finally admitted how much she liked everyone wanting her time, advice, help and opinion and most of all knowing she was 'picking up the pieces', so while she hated being put upon and treated like a mug as well secretly she relished having one over those who messed up.

If she loses here job it's because she isn't doing her job. You have.

This is not your fault. Why the hell is she expecting to get you to do her job for her - are you being paid for her hours or is she.

Let's face it, if you'd have wanted a second job, you'd have got one. I'm assuming you didn't so don't take on her work load as well. If she cannot cover her shifts that is her problem. Not yours. You have helped her out and she is now abusing your hospitality asking you to work a months worth of her shifts.

sometimes you simply cannot get people to see what is right in front of their eyes

this thread is an example

You sound like martyr OP, so either suck it up or say something.

Start looking round for another job where the boss is a professional ( and does the basic stuff like hire enough staff, train staff, sort cover, and pays wages) and start saying that not my problem to your sister and mother or - I'd love to help but ...

I really feel for you OP because this is exactly the sort of situation I get myself into. To some people, standing up for yourself comes naturally and to them our behaviour is incomprehensible, but I know where you're coming from. It's shit. I hate confrontation and to me, saying no is a confrontation.
But you've learnt to assert yourself WRT getting your wages out of your boss, so you can learn to just say no to your sister. No need to apologise or justify yoursef, you can just say "I won't be able to cover your shift because I'm going to dog training/ judo/ assertiveness training."

Good luck!

That's a really interesting insight Mia4. My inability to say no has also caused massive issues in my personal relationships. I've learnt the hard way.

hopkinette: I was unsurprised by the time she admitted it, most of us had seen it slowly emerging in her words over the few weeks before the bust up but it took years for others to notice and I'm pretty sure that's what caused the epic fallout within her family. She told her therapist about it, apparently the therapist wasn't surprised at all-she said a high percentage of others do it to-whether consciously or just falling into a routine.

Sometimes it's very hard to say no, but there comes a point you have got to stand up for yourself because no one else can. I had the problem in one of my first relationship-i was so weak with the guy and had bad fallout and depression, plus bulimia as a result over the 7 years it took getting passed it. I swear i will never be that weak again but I have to sometimes consider things before saying yes or no because i don't want to go the other way either and be one of those forever saying no unreasonably.

Sorry to bring this up from last night, but I just wanted to add that I think you should try and get another job. Not easy I know, but it all sounds a bit slack really, the boss letting this go on, lack of staff in general and having to chase (!) for your wages.