DB's wedding and family relationships - warning long!

[olympicsrock]

AIBU to not look forward to DB's wedding and even consider not going?
Background:
My DB's wife died after a brave fight against an illlness 3 years ago. She was a wonderful person who i loved and they had 2 young children. Shortly afterwards, DB met someone else. They became serious very quickly, she moved into his house with her children 18 months ago. I don't know her very well as initially i was upset that DB had moved on so quickly and publicly and not considered the feelings of his late DW's family. Over the last year, despite mixed feelings about DB's new partner and their relationship i have made an effort to become friends and spend time with her as it was obvious that my DB was serious about their future together.

My parents split up 8 years ago after my F had an affair with a 'friend' of my parents "OW" who he lives with now. He treated my DM very badly over several years , it came out that he had several affairs and done other horrible things during their marriage. There was an acrimonious divorce and he behaved very badly towards me too. I decided not to have a relationship with him. He was not invited to our wedding and has not met DS 1year. My DB and DS still have a relationship with our F which is their choice. In the last 6 years i have seen F twice, at DSis wedding and at late SIL's funeral. I have always said i will not go to any event e.g. christenings where F will be. These 2 events were very stressful for me as F who is very thick skinned kept trying to talk to me despite me keeping my distance.

Now DB and his DP have got engaged. DB suggested a small wedding abroad but his DP wants a big wedding with all their family around them. DB and his DP have stayed with F and OW. DP (bride) thinks that my DM should be able to move on and spend time with F and OW, she does not 'get' our family. DM has done masses of childcare for them and been kind / generous to DP.

The problem: this wedding is going to be a complete minefield. Despite my slightly mixed feelings, i do want to support DB at his wedding and welcome his DP into the family - he deserves to be happy. But DB has form for being really tactless - i'm sure he will invite both DM and F and probably OW too. In the past F has refused to attend events if OW is not invited . DM will attend if F is invited but will be very upset all day. DM would not attend if OW was there. I'm dreading the whole thing, considering a boycott if OW is invited and only attending for a short time without dS if F is going.

i thought the form with wedding invites was that pretty much regardless of what has happened in the past, everyone just has to grit their teeth and do what the bride and groom want?

I'm afraid your DB deserves your support.

To the point - if you can't act like adults and put your differences aside for his day, then it's a pretty poor show.

It's DBs wedding, it's about him not your relationship with everyone else.

Some not pleasant comments about him and him new do btw, are people not allowed to try and rebuild after losing someone they love? it's sad enough without judging. She only moved in 18 months ago which seems an ok amount of time to me.

Just bite the bullet and go

If they are having a large wedding then I don't see the problem. They don't have to sit near each other (who's going to be on the top table?), talk to each other etc.

You should go I'm sure there will be other people to talk to and sit with

Our family is at least as complicated as yours - Dh's dad and his grandad had 3 apiece wives and one mistress, numerous children, stepchildren.

They were all invited, they all chose to come. We made it perfectly clear they didn't have to and we wouldn't be offended if they didn't.

Yanbu to not go if you don't want to - the same for everyone else.

What would be unreasonable would be to expect your brother and his new wife to be 'sensitive' when it comes to invitations, that would mean you would be expecting them to have a rift with others on your behalf.

I was that SIL inviting everyone and my dh did not know some of the reasons they didn't talk to each other so we were both in the dark and invited everyone. At my wedding I had 2 SIL's who were abused as children by 2 older males - they were all at my wedding, it didn't come out til years later.

If you do go stay with the people you like and ignore who you don't like - if they start shouting and carrying on that's their problem, not yours.

Well of course he is going to invite both of his parents to his wedding, I'm surprised you think otherwise.
You all sound like hard work, your mother would boycott her own childs wedding if her ex's new partner is there, your father would boycott if she isn't, you will boycott if she is there, you complain about the bride and the fact that your brother found love again after his first wife sadly died....

Jaysus if I was your brother I wouldn't invite any of you. No wonder he wanted a small wedding abroad.

Kayano - i am pleased that DB is happy and has a new partner - in fact i told them i was delighted by the news of their engagement. I have kept quiet about my reservations btw hence venting here. I just wish that they would not do stupid things like put the news on Facebook before telling late DW's family. I don't see what "not pleasant comments about him" i have made??

Is there no way your mother would go to the wedding if your father and his partner were there? Could things not be arranged so they wouldn't have to be near each other?

I think it would be a real shame for your brother and fiance to have this affect their wedding day, but at the same time it sounds as if your mother went through an awful lot with your father and his behaviour and mistreatment. If possible I do think everyone should go, presumably your father and his partner have been together 8 years now? I don't think it's unreasonable for him and your brother and his fiancé to want her there after that long.

The Birderer - my DM says that she will never agree to be in the same room as OW but she may end up going as i think she would be very sad to miss DB's wedding. Problem is that she will probably be in tears and very stressed for quite a bit of the day (as she was at DSis wedding) and F will make it worse by trying to speak to her and being in her face. In this situation i will have to go for solidarity.
I care more about protecting DM who was very treated so badly than my own feelings about F and the wedding.

Do other people think DB should invite OW? genuine question! Neither of my siblings like her but tolerate for F's sake. She was very aggressive in pursuing my F when they had the affair - although of course F is mainly to blame.

Your DF is solely to blame for the affair since he was the one who made vows to your mother. Everyone needs to breathe deeply and go to the wedding. I say this as someone who was asked to be a bridesmaid while my arsehole exH was best man. All partners were invited including his. She may have been the OW. I could never be bothered to find out. We all smiled and got on with it.

Although you are entitled to be fucking angry with your father.

What a nightmare! So complicated!

For what its worth, how quickly your brother moved on and moved in another woman makes me feel uncomfortable as well. Can't help but think that's too quickly for the children to grieve and adjust. I agree he has the right to happiness but the kids needs should come first. I know when i lost my own mum that 18 months later i was still in full grief mode.

I do feel for your mother. From what you've said it sounds as if your father really doesn't respect the fact that people don't want to talk to him and deliberately does so and ignores their wishes, even if they get upset and it affects an event. I think that's incredibly insensitive and isn't helping matters. He needs to learn to back off if there's going to be a harmonious event.

I'm with MrsTerryPratchett. Your father is presumably a grown up who chose to have an affair. He was the one with a commitment to your mother, not OW. He has chosen to have a relationship with OW, it sounds pretty long term and you have to accept that she is his partner. As far as I am concerned they come as a package. I can see why your father would refuse to come without his partner and be offended at the suggestion that he should.

Your brother is entitled to invite whoever he would like to have present. No one should be making demands about the guest list. If anyone invited would like to go then they should go and behave properly. If they don't want to go, or can't behave properly then they should decline.

I think the only obligation on your brother as the host is to be courteous and considerate, ie not to spring any surprises on who might be invited, and to consider seating arrangements as far as he is able to ensure that his guests have a good time.

The only decision you need to concern yourself with is YOUR DECISION.

Your mum will decide for herself, your dad, the ow and your db.

If you really can't face it, arrange to take your db and his fiancee out to celebrate their wedding, before the big day itself.

Prior to this explain this to them, without blame, or wanting them to do anything any differently, but that you've tried to get past this before, but your df doesn't respect your decision/space.

You don't have to do this if you don't want to. I'm sure your db would be happy as long as you support them in life, not just on a wedding day.

I completely understand why you dont think the OW should be invited & I agree with you on that, however it's up to your DB who to invite so there isn't much you can do about that.

Presumably if he saw the effect it all had on your mum at the time, then he may choose not to invite the OW??

I do totally get it as seeing one parent absolutely devastated by the actions of the other is terrible & I don't think people really understand unless theyve been through it

Good luck whatever you choose to do & I hope you're able to maintain a good relationship with your DB throughout.

Why don't you wait until the invitation arrives and then decide if you are going, and for how long. YourSiL to be could be on AIBU right now being advised that the easiest solution is not to invite you, or it could be a child free wedding, or they might go abroad or anything. Wait and get the facts before you get all worked up about "I think" and "I just know" and "they will" - you can't know what they will do until they do it.

I have to say i agree with poopoo wrt the speed, but it is common for widowers to move on quickly.

The big do does tend to bother me too, sounds a bit insecure imvho.

I had a similar dilemma with my own wedding which I posted about here

I wouldn't be surprised if once they start looking into the planning they decide to go abroad.

The big do does tend to bother me too, sounds a bit insecure imvho.

Yeah thats what i thought. Considering the circumstances i would of had a small wedding. Can't help but think it seems a bit insensitive to the first wifes family and the children.

I think you need to stay in close touch with DM. If she decides she will attend, then she may well need support during the day, and you could be just the person to provide that. Especially if your DH could be persuaded that his role is to keep F and his P away from you both.

He was the one with a commitment to your mother, not OW.

I usually agree with that, but this woman was a friend of both the parents, so i feel she had a commitment as a friend of the mum not to have an affair with her husband. I do think friends have commitments to each other too not just partners.

She might have been the OW, but right now, she's been your DB's step mother for 8 years and while you have fallen out with your father over the way he treated your mother your DB hasn't. If he has a good relationship with both parents (which by the sounds of it, he has) then it is right that he invites them both and expects them to act like grown ups for the day. Your DM hasn't fallen out with them (doing Childcare for her step grandchildren is lovely!) even though she knows her son has a relationship with his father.

The same sould be said for his Sister. You say that you didn't like that he was at your sister's wedding as well, that you found it very stressful, but did anyone else? It sounds like you are the only one who makes a fuss that you wo'nt go to any event he's going ot be at, then goes anyway and then makes a fuss about how difficult it is for you - dispite having the option of staying away. When you say you always said you won't go to any event he is invited too, who have you said this too? your siblings? Are you really trying ot make them chose between you and their father?

So it sounds like your brother's DP gets the rest of your family very well, that everyone else seems to be able to get along for a day and he has one sister who makes a fuss, but still turns up anyway.

You also sound very judgemental about hte speed of your DB's relationship. His DP probably has picked up on that too.

Agreed PooPoo.

Sounds very difficult and complicated. I think I would go to show your support for your DB, but like you say, plan to leave early if it feels uncomfortable. Tell your mum you want to support your brother and you will go for that reason alone. It's up to her to decide whether or not she wants to go.

My own mum didn't want to come to my wedding (party - I actually got married abroad) because my dad was going to be there. I told her I'd be upset if she didn't. In hindsight, I can see she had a very difficult and uncomfortable evening, but it really meant a lot to me at the time that she came. (Not that it matters now as I'm in the middle of getting divorced!!)

Pom Bear - i know what you're saying about not worrying until the invitations arrive however the bride did say a big wedding in this country with all the family (and kids) around them.
I was just considering suggesting to DB that he didn't invite OW to protect our DM because by the time the invitations have been sent it's too late, and also there would be time to manage expectations.I do accept that it's a complete nightmare and that most families would be able to grin and bear it.