To not want people making jokey comments about my medical condition?

[PavlovtheCat]

I have a herniated disc. Possibly more, possibly it is torn more than the last MRI I have. I also have disc bulges on all my lumbar discs, and disc dehydration going on. I am in an awful lot of pain. Sometimes I can't walk at all. Sometimes mostly i can't stand straight at the moment.

Went to a BBQ yesterday with friends. standing quite vertical for me, and this was commented on 'good to see you standing straighter' etc, nice comments, people asking how I am, nice, if not making me a bit more of a goldfish in a bowl than I like being but people are not going to ignore.

As the evening progressed and my medication wore out/the day took its toll/i had sat down for too long, i started to get my things ready to take DS home (dd went earlier for a sleepover). I attempted to be discrete in my pain/inability to walk but it was quite obvious. One of my friends, or rather not so much friend but aquaintance (one who i get on fine with, meet at these BBQs only) asked a friend of mine if i was ok, i heard, laughed off the sympathy said 'its getting towards the end of the day' she responded to me with 'i noticed you are doing your 'old woman' impression again! ' cue lots of laughter.

Several friends have joked that I need a zimmer frame, get the 'old woman' comment a lot.

At work, I had to walk the slow painful walk back past reception front and into reception office, after seeing a client who held the door for me and opened the other door for me, and saw the receptionists laughing very hard at me. It was so obvious they were laughing at me, I asked what was funny and they said 'oh really sorry pavlov but xxx just commented that you looked like a tortoise with your head up and forward and your back all hunched over .

Get colleagues laughing as I walk past, mostly sympathetic laughing I guess they laugh and say 'poor you!' and 'you look like you are 80!' etc.

Just seems to be everywhere. It is so so obvious a disabliity right now, I cannot avoid the comments, whether jokey, sympathy, asking questions. I would just like to avoid going out around people atm. I now know that many people who are not saying things are thinking them.

AIBU to not want the jokey comments, well meaning or not? or am I just being over sensitive, and just laugh along? i find myself laughing along as I don't want to look like I have no sense of humour, but it just heaps more negative impact of my condition and makes me feel even lower.

What cunts!

Agree with PooPoo, shower of cunts. You are not being over-sensitive, they are nasty fuckers.

People don't deal with others who are in pain very well. People didn't know how to treat me when I was in pain. They laugh it off because pain scares them, espeically when it's happening to someone young.

I sympathise as I've been where you are in terms of the pain. People's comments never bothered me however. Could you be reading too much into it perhaps?

Bring on the MN favourite ' did you mean to be so rude?'

I doubt any of those people meant to be hurtful or upset you (with the exception of the receptionists who sound like utter bitches).

There isnt much you can do about what people may be thinking, although I am sure the majority are thinking how much pain you must be in, and how debilitating it is for you.

A friend of mine is going through this at the moment, and she has been in agony, and walking is nearly impossible for her some days, so you have my sympathy as I have seen how difficult life has been for her in the last few months.

I got that on a work night out with a walking stick. I just sucked it up. And made an entry on my grudge spreadsheet for later.

Sympathy.

YANBU. Not much you can do about your friends - although if you burst in to tears that should shut them up! However work is a different matter. I would be inclined to speak to somebody senior and ask them to make clear to all staff that you are very upset about your disability. That laughing about or commenting except to ask you how you are is unacceptable. That they all need to bloody well grow up and shut up in fact.

You may wish to phrase it slightly differently........

Blimey, I'm really bad around illness and make jokes that are probably a bit insensitive or inappropriate but these are cuntish even for me.

Sorry you're having such a rough time of it

I have a different but similar condition and I get the same comments too (and I actually do have a zimmer frame ) I know people don't mean to be horrible but it does get to you sometimes. If upsets you tell them, you don't have to laugh along with it if it hurts your feelings, just saying actually I'm in agony and I wish I could stand straight should do the trick and I'm sure they'd apologise

One of my teenagers teases me when I'm walking really slowly, calls me a tortoise and does an impression of me, it's ok when it's him though 'cos I hit him with one of my crutches

I personally would tell all my friends everything if they dont know already.
I would then hope and expect my friends to help and shield me emotionally.

Work colleagues.I would hope they would be sympathetic.If not,I would report them.And expect your company to step in if appropriate.

You are not being over sensitive.

You are not being oversensitive - they are being really thoughtless and mean. Might be worth saying to a few of them something along the lines of "I'm not an old woman/tortoise/whatever, I have a disability and it does hurt me when people say things like that".

you know a lot of really thoughtless people. i'm sorry. i hope things improve, both in your condition and in people's responses to it.

That's horrible. I have a herniated disc in my neck, it is healing now (still have daily pain though) but it has seriously affected my traps muscles which means I have a constant stiff neck and some days I can barely look down or to my right.

I feel for you, evidently yours is a lot worse than mine and if anyone took the piss out of me, they would have received a tongue lashing. It's not funny when you're in constant pain.

Hope it improves soon.

maytheodds, i ideally would walk better with a frame on bad days. but comments like this make me realise how hard that would be. You don't need to be about it, but comments that make it funny to have/need one mean people are.

Do they understand how much it hurts?
I sometimes find snarling that back at people that find my sciatica funny stops them dead in their tracks.

I don't think they have any idea how serious this is for you. Probably because you don't whinge and bend everyone's ear about it all the time. It sounds like this is really impacting your life, but you cope and mask it well, and don't want to be a burden or draw attention to yourself. Admirably so.

Because of their ignorance though, people are kind of 'laughing along' with you, almost like when someone might joke with a slim friend that she better not have another krispy creme, seeing as she's so huge. The person saying this almost thinks of it as a complement, you'd Never say anything like that to a fat person would you. Similar to how they'd never liken you to an 'old woman' when you're so clearly not.

But they're totally misjudging the situation, you're not making light of it, you're just not making a big deal of it. I don't think you should laugh along. They need to be gently told that while you don't want a fuss, your condition is serious, and you're not quite in a place where you can laugh about it. If you don't feel up to putting that point across, perhaps a good friend/colleague could do it sensitively on your behalf.

My friend has a very similar condition and I have to say I have probably said some horribly insensitive things in my time...but I have always felt so helpless around her because I know not only that there is nothing I can do but I also can't empathise very well regarding her chronic pain.

However, she knows I love her and support her and want to help even though I'm clumsy about it. It doesn't sound like you feel supported by these people. Maybe the odd 'Not very supportive there' might bring it home to them

You don't have to take the comments at work and i would take it further.

I would have an honest chat to your friends, if you don't tell them how it makes you feel, they won't know.

You need to say something to them. Actually tell them that (a) you are in a lot of pain and (b) their comments are unwelcome and vile and (c) to fuck off.

But you do need to tell them.

How awful. You must be in dreadful pain, constantly shattered and feel low (all?) some of the time.
Why can't people say something nice about seeing you, how you look, your work or even offer to help if possible.
Wishing you better friends/colleagues/health really soon.

Yanbu. Idiots. They may well not know what to say, but that's no excuse, and no reason for you to have to be polite and put up with this or laugh along.

I am so on the verge of tears much of the time, that saying anything would end up with me welling up, and that would produce mucho sympathy. And I don't want that either. I just want to get on with it, for people to ask how I am, mean it, so I can tell them how things are going, with physio/hos appts etc, but not go on, not laugh, make fun.

The worst comment is the one at work. I work in an office culture of historic bullying. And the receptionists, well I have to work with them daily, more than daily. They have the power to make our life bearable at work or hell. They are horrible in their comments, but on the other side they offered me a carparking space. carparking spaces are rare as rockinghorse shit. And save me the closest rooms so I don't have to walk so far. But they are frosty and curt and would not respond to any incinuation their comments are not appropriate and not welcome, either by me directly or through colleagues/formal channells. If it were taken formally, i can say good bye to any friendliness from reception. They 'say it like it is' and while that means they bully, they are also supportive and do care as well, if that makes sense. it is like I have to accept their 'rough diamond' personality which means I have to put up with it. It really hurt though, I thought 'is that what I look like when I walk?' and i watched myself when I walked past a glass shop window and they were right, I did. And to be seen like that, it is so embarrassing. Same with the old woman comments, it hurts because it is so true.

I remember not long after I started using crutches my uncle made a "joke" along the lines of, "If you do that I'll grab your metal sticks and run away, then where will you be?"

I believe I replied, "About the same place as you when I use those metal sticks to break your fucking legs."

Apparently I too am oversensitive

Pavlov, do you ever talk to people privately and frankly about stuff?

Really feel for you OP, you sound really stuck. I revise my pervious post, I thought they were just gently ignorant, now they just sound spiteful. You really shouldn't have to put up with it.

good bye to any friendliness from reception Sod them. Make sure you officially secure the 'benefits' they've so kindly bestowed upon you and then take it down the formal route. I'd like to see them try anything once they know their positions could be on the line if they do. You's be surprised at how cowardly bullies become once their cards are marked.