To not want people making jokey comments about my medical condition?

[PavlovtheCat]

I have a herniated disc. Possibly more, possibly it is torn more than the last MRI I have. I also have disc bulges on all my lumbar discs, and disc dehydration going on. I am in an awful lot of pain. Sometimes I can't walk at all. Sometimes mostly i can't stand straight at the moment.

Went to a BBQ yesterday with friends. standing quite vertical for me, and this was commented on 'good to see you standing straighter' etc, nice comments, people asking how I am, nice, if not making me a bit more of a goldfish in a bowl than I like being but people are not going to ignore.

As the evening progressed and my medication wore out/the day took its toll/i had sat down for too long, i started to get my things ready to take DS home (dd went earlier for a sleepover). I attempted to be discrete in my pain/inability to walk but it was quite obvious. One of my friends, or rather not so much friend but aquaintance (one who i get on fine with, meet at these BBQs only) asked a friend of mine if i was ok, i heard, laughed off the sympathy said 'its getting towards the end of the day' she responded to me with 'i noticed you are doing your 'old woman' impression again! ' cue lots of laughter.

Several friends have joked that I need a zimmer frame, get the 'old woman' comment a lot.

At work, I had to walk the slow painful walk back past reception front and into reception office, after seeing a client who held the door for me and opened the other door for me, and saw the receptionists laughing very hard at me. It was so obvious they were laughing at me, I asked what was funny and they said 'oh really sorry pavlov but xxx just commented that you looked like a tortoise with your head up and forward and your back all hunched over .

Get colleagues laughing as I walk past, mostly sympathetic laughing I guess they laugh and say 'poor you!' and 'you look like you are 80!' etc.

Just seems to be everywhere. It is so so obvious a disabliity right now, I cannot avoid the comments, whether jokey, sympathy, asking questions. I would just like to avoid going out around people atm. I now know that many people who are not saying things are thinking them.

AIBU to not want the jokey comments, well meaning or not? or am I just being over sensitive, and just laugh along? i find myself laughing along as I don't want to look like I have no sense of humour, but it just heaps more negative impact of my condition and makes me feel even lower.

line yes, i do, not all my friends, but some of them, a couple in particular.

They are tossers - you are not being oversensitive. I second what PPs have said and talk to someone at work, it really isn't acceptable.

I have fibromyalgia and still suffer bouts of SPD, and at my worst have still not been anywhere near the pain you're in, but people at work were nothing but supportive and helpful. The people at your workplace and your friends/acquaintances need to be told that your pain really isn't a laughing matter.

Sometimes, I lose it with my family who are having a chuckle when I'm really stiff and find walking difficult and painful, particularly if the pain has been going on a while as there are only so many times you can hear " Crikey, you'd think that you were 80, not 26, hahahaha!" before you start getting stabby! My usual reply is "I'm glad that my pain is funny for you, but for me it's pretty fucking intolerable so can you stop fucking laughing". Maybe you could use that, but take out the 'fucking' as I've heard this can offend

x-post.

I know how you feel, I have a movement disorder and have used a wheelchair and crutches since I was 24. I used to see my ungainly gait and just hate it. But (sorry if this sounds harsh!), it's because it's new, you can get used to it. Hopefully it sounds like you'll get better and it won't be an issue forever. But other people will get used to it, or find something/someone else to talk about.

And in the meantime, well, fuck 'em! What happened to you could happen to anyone, including them and you will cope with it better because you're a kinder, nicer more mature person who doesn't laugh at someone who is walking oddly because they are in pain.

Well, Pavolv, I'm not the most assertive person in the world, but in your position I would be taking lots of people aside (at a time of my choosing) and telling them frankly that if they carry on the way they are then there will be problems. Mostly for them.

It doesn't need to be a long chat. Just a clear one.

HR. This counts as disability discrimination AFAIK.

One thing is that they may think this is what you want. A few years agomy husband had a pretty horrible medical condition. He hated the sympathy. The only way he could cope was by making jokes. The only way I could get him to talk about it was by making jokes. So we did.

A couple of years later a friend got a similar thing. Without thinking I made a one of the 4 million jokes I knew about it. Cue horrified intake of breathe from mutual friends and me having to admit how much dh had hated their sympathy and care.

thanks for your kind words and helping me to get perspective everyone. Feel less pathetic for being upset by the comments now.

rollesara you are right, it is new, I am not used to fielding comments, have not got a thick skin and have not really come to terms with this yet. It might, or might not get better. It might, or might not get worse. It will certainly never go back to how it was before. I did not factor other people's reactions to it as part of what I need to get used to

unless you know a person then personal jokes should not be used.

I know :( The people who matter get used to it. I used to live in London and a friend I always went drinking with saw a black cab go past with 5 people in it. He thought "That's odd, where did they put the wheelchair?", before remembering that not everyone in a black cab has a wheelchair user in the group!

I also find that those around me who know me well (this might, in time, include your receptionists) will put others in their place on my behalf. It used to upset me as it meant that people were talking behind my back, but I realised it was a good thing, my friends were getting angry on my behalf so I didn't have to! And they always think of better comebacks than me!

That's fucking awful. Seriously, What rotten people.

I'm sorry you have to put up with this.

have you tried the 'clearly being very upset at the comments' tactic (ie crying a bit)?
If you do it well they will feel bad for upsetting you and they may feel protective of your feelings afterwards. A couple of tears and apologies (from you to them) about being a bit 'oversensitive' to jokes because of the pain you're in.

I have a similar condition as well, and it is a bloody pain.

I remember walking to the shop with my crutches (too stubborn to take the car for such a short trip - now I take it anyway) and there was an old man who overtook me. He pushed my back, which hurt like fuck, and then said, "Come on, you're too young to be walking slower than me!" I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

Before I gave up work, I got comments that I looked like I was walking with a broom handle shoved up my arse. Nice. Some of them also delighted in calling me "speedy", given that I was walking so slowly. Ha fucking ha.

I try to let it wash over me. It is very difficult, and I'm still getting used to being like this - like you, I don't know what's going to happen, and if my back will ever get back to the way it was. I can understand how the dynamic is at your workplace - the receptionists at my place had all the power as well. I tend to ignore the more stupid comments, and if I'm met with sympathy, I always mention catching up on my cross stitching/knitting/reading/Sky+!

It could always be worse though - my MIL keeps trying to out-pain me (she takes ibuprofen when it's "really bad" and has a lie down, I drink Oramorph like it's going out of fashion)

Bastards.

I think the comments from friends are worse. But then again I've worked with a couple of bitchy receptionists and know that it's not worth the battle. Difference is you can't choose the receptionists but you can choose your friends.

Tell your friends in a curt manner than you don't appreciate their comments, and that their support would be much more welcomed. If you can do this without tears great, if not, let them see how much pain this condition is causing you. Herniated discs are incredibly painful so you have my full sympathy.

Blimey, it would never occur to me to laugh at someone who's in pain I find it sickening to be honest. I really feel for you because I've had some nasty back pain in my time and it's horrible and really drags you down. I hope you feel better soon and try and ignore these stupid people. They must be totally thick.

thank you again everyone. I am rubbish with crying in front of people. I have cried a lot in front of gp, osteo, physio recently and feel quite, i don't know. exposed? vulnerable? i certainly feel very centre of attention. Which I dislike and which is awful with this back problem as I can't pretend it is not happening.

Oh yes, I have been told to 'slow down!' several times at work. I now have crutches which I did not have before, got them this week, and will quite happily use them

the pain is no less than the 10/10 pain than it used to be, more varies between 4/6 normally, up a bit some days/as the day wears on, rarely below. But, when it goes fully, it is akin to full on contraction pain, but without let up and with no end in sight. I remember thinking that it was more unbearable than when i was in labour, and I did not have the luxury of gas/air or diamorphin (yet afternoondelight, i am seeing pain clinic soon ) - the pain is wearing, and i have no strength to fight people to stop being rude.

But i will have to find some strength!

Utter shower of shites.
I agree with pp.At work you need to go through the correct channels to address it. You should not have to put up with that in your workplace.

Your friends? Not sure. Possibly a laying of cards on the table as to how shit they make you feel is the answer. I'm sorry to hear you're in this much pain.

FWIW my DH has Narcolepsy. He is a knobheads dream. He takes it on the chin. I, on the other hand, seethe.