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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to have sex until our baby sleeps through the night?

34 replies

Wigglewoo · 11/08/2012 08:38

I'm saying this a little tongue in cheek as I realise other people do... But I'm just so exhausted with ds 8 weeks that I have completely lost all interest and desire for sex, much to the hurt of my dh...

Ds doesn't sleep hardly at all, day or night. Maybe 3 hours a day not all at once, and wakes for hours at a time at night. Not even crying, just wide awake wanting to play, fidgeting, grunting. I can't (and wouldn't) ignore him to sleep (as he seems happy enough) because he's very noisy and wakes us all up! So I'm up with him most of the night walking about with him etc. I do all the stuff you're supposed to - dark room, no stimulation, no talking - sod it all nothing works. And dd was a gina ford baby sleeping 7-7 from about 12 weeks so this is a massive shock.

Dh does help with ds - he does some night feeds if he hasn't got a really difficult day at work due and he let's me have a lie in / early night on days off...

But none of its helping. I have zero sex drive. And this is someone who used to have sex every day!!!

Dh and I have talked and he feels there is no intimacy between us :( (its having a knock on effect emotionally too as we are just too tired to make time for each other). But even though I know this I still can't change the situation.

How do other marriages / couples survive this? We are struggling to maintain our closeness but at the same time we are just so tired :(

OP posts:
NickNacks · 11/08/2012 08:43

In the early days I had to 'make' myself make the effort. Like you I had zero drive due to overwhelming preference to sleep but the old saying is true, the more you have it, the more you want it.

Good luck!

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 08:43

Erm, you don't have sex until you feel ready?!

Why would it bother you when you have an 8 WEEK old baby? It's not like he's 8 months old.

Are you bf? Because I find that I don't want sex while I'm bf, for some reason, it suppresses my usually very high sex drive, but it all comes back as soon as I have my first period.

With my first 3 DC's, despite ebf, that was 6 weeks, 4 weeks and 6 weeks, despite ebf for 6 months, 4 months & 3 months. With my fourth DC, that wasn't till 12 months, just 2 weeks before I stopped bf.

Can't you have cuddles and kisses and little love notes to keep the intimacy?

tunnocksteacake · 11/08/2012 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DawnOfTheDee · 11/08/2012 08:46

Tbh it's still early days...your DS is only 8 weeks old. Not many babies will be sleeping through at that stage. Agree with NickNacks though...make time for yourselves and it'll start coming back.

FurCough · 11/08/2012 08:48

8 weeks is still so small and you've now got two children who are, I assume, constantly either being carried or wanting cuddles or crawling all over you in some form or another. It's not unreasonable at all to not want to be touched by yet another human.

Never mind that your body is still recovering from childbirth and that you're absolutely bloody knackered.

Quite frankly it's your DH who is being unreasonable in expecting a level of intimacy that you are not ready for or capable of.

Original poster
Wigglewoo · 11/08/2012 08:49

Thanks. I suppose its just I feel its going on and on with no end in sight. And I know dh is a bit sad that it seems like that aspect of our marriage is just out of the window. I do try and kiss and cuddle but when we do its a que to lead to more and I just don't want to right now.

I'm not going to do it when I don't want to... I just wondered how long other people found it took for their sex drive to return..

I am formula feeding and I had an elective c section (which turned out to be necessary due to undiagnosed placenta previa)!

OP posts:
nextphase · 11/08/2012 08:49

To not be interested with a 8 week old baby, YANBU.

To insist til baby is sleeping through, YABU - at 3.4 we rarely get a full night from DS1, so his little brother wouldn't exist!

I'd also recommend the finding 5 seconds to have a cuddle, and take it from there.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 11/08/2012 08:53

8 weeks after a c section is not long.

If you don't want to cuddle as it is taken as an invitation for more, then tell DP that as otherwise you might not have cuddles that help maintain intimacy.

MrMiyagi · 11/08/2012 08:54

"It's not unreasonable at all to not want to be touched by yet another human"

What a bleak view you present of life with children.

Lucyellensmum99 · 11/08/2012 08:55

Are people really suggesting that you should "make yourself" have sex when you don't feel like it? Hmm WHY would you do that?

Saying that, i do miss intimacy if me and DP don't do it for a few days. So i feel for you, i really do. 8 weeks really is no time at all and i think you are maybe both expecting too much, too soon. I think you should focus on sorting out sleep patterns and when you are feeling more human you will feel more like havin sex. The important thing to do is to have cuddles etc, we are a bit rubbish and this does tend to not happen without doing the deed but put your efforts in the that direction. Tell your DH you want cuddles but not sex at the moment then you will both feel able to do the cuddles without the pressure. take the pressure off and well...............

good luck, but don't feel you have to "make yourself" have sex when you are exhausted.

thing1andthing2 · 11/08/2012 08:55

Yanbu. I'm in the same position and frankly, I'm not going to do it with 6 week old ds snorting and snuffling (and awake) in the same room. Maybe when he is regularly asleep at the same times as dd we will get the chance.
This morning at 3.30 am DH and I were lying in bed cuddling, DH having got up to settle dd, me having been up with ds since midnight, wondering when we would get any time just to be alone together. I assume it's just a waiting game.

DawnOfTheDee · 11/08/2012 09:02

I don't think anyone is suggesting the op 'makes' herself have sex when she doesn't want to. People are saying to make time for you & your oh.

I got from the OP that they both miss intimacy so you will (at some point, 8 weeks is v early esp after c-section) have to make the effort. This does not mean having sex when you don't want to. It's about making time for each other, making an effort to reconnect, etc.

FurCough · 11/08/2012 09:02

glad it's all sunshine and roses round at yours, MrMiyagi, but sometimes it is possible to feel completely spent by the physical attention demanded by small children. It does pass, OP. I can just empathise with how you are feeling.

Malificence · 11/08/2012 09:40

8 weeks? most couples haven't even resumed a sex life by then.
He feels there is no intimacy? Here's a grip, tell him to get it.
For God's sake , what is wrong with these men?

noblegiraffe · 11/08/2012 09:56

Tell him to have major abdominal surgery and no rest to recover and then see how much he's up for sex.

Other couples survive this by having a DH who understands how his partner feels and doesn't put any pressure on her till she feels ready.

CouthyMow · 11/08/2012 10:31

8 weeks after a c-section and he feels sad about lack of sex?! Knit him a wank mitten and tell him to get on with it, as you have just had abdominal surgery!!

If he had had major abdominal surgery, and then very little sleep for 8 weeks afterwards, I'll bet he wouldn't want sex either!!

BertieBotts · 11/08/2012 10:52

Definitely talk to him and say that you need to feel like you can cuddle or kiss him without feeling like you're leading him on or that you "should" do more. He should understand this and not want to put pressure on you. Then you can build it up when you're ready, but for now cuddling and kissing etc is still nice.

If he isn't sympathetic to this, then he's an arse.

DilysPrice · 11/08/2012 11:10

You need an open conversation with him to say that a) 8 weeks is nothing, you're knackered and you're just not ready yet b) you need to be able to cuddle without feeling pressured to move on c) this is a passing phase, and you will not still be in the same position in another 2 months (barring some major setback). 8 weeks probably does feel like a very long time to him however unreasonably but reassuring him (and yourself) that the weeks won't turn into years is worth doing.

Sex in these situations can be like going out to Christmas drinks at a friend's house. It's dark and cold outside, and it would be so much easier to cuddle up in fleece pyjamas and watch telly, but actually, once you're there you know you'll have a lovely time and be glad you went. It shouldn't ever be like a cocktail party with your DH's sexist work colleagues where you have to go, but just know you're going to hate it when you do.

Original poster
Wigglewoo · 11/08/2012 14:27

Thanks for the opinions.

I think I've shot myself in the foot a bit as we have had sex about 2 times - but that was in the first 2 weeks back from hospital (yes mad I know, we used condoms so no worries with infection as still bleeding etc).. But that was before major sleep deprivation set in and I was still on a high from the birth (which although difficult in some ways was much better than my traumatic vaginal birth with dd).

I agree with the poster saying after a whole day of being in demand from little people you just don't want to be touched or in demand anymore. I don't think that's a bleak view of family life just an honest one. Everyone needs time to themselves and I don't feel I have any at the moment (save for stealing a few minutes on here while dd is on the pc and I'm bouncing ds in his baby chair).

The sad thing is although dh isn't pressurising me I know he feels sad that our relationship has changed so much. We might as well be sleeping in separate beds. Whereas we used to cuddle in bed all the time.

Dh has said to me that he feels i am totally cold towards him and I think that is a fair comment but its so hard to have the energy to do more than just sit when the baby finally goes to sleep, esp with a high needs baby (as in just will not sleep - today he has slept for 30 mins since about 8am!!!)

I suppose it is very early days. Hopefully it will pass. Thanks.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 11/08/2012 14:31

I remember explaining to my DH that the fear of him wanting sex was making me cold towards him, which made everything a bit easier as he knew I'd have to be the one to make it clear when I was ready, if that makes sense? I guess I was worried that if he cuddled me he would assume it meant I was up for it, when in fact I needed a cuddle more than anything but not sex. Have you tried speaking openly with him?

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 11/08/2012 14:33

btw, too late now but a condom won't protect from infection. The condom could be the source of the infection. Really not a good plan at that stage, but never mind now.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/08/2012 14:35

Your husband is being an arse, frankly. You have an 8 week old baby, and are recovering from major surgery and he is worried about how often he is getting his rocks off?

Tell him what you wrote here, that you would like to kiss and cuddle but you don't want the pressure that it will lead to more.

DH and I didn't have sex for over a year after I had DS2. DH was very patient, never pressured me and now our sex life is better than ever.

pumpkinsweetie · 11/08/2012 14:44

Your baby is only 8wks old, its early days and as you have said you have already resumed love making when your baby was 2wks so its not as if you have not been intimate at all and tbh i think he is putting pressure on you from what you have written.
There are other ways of being intimate that doesn't involve pov, but only of you want to not just because he wants to iyswim.
Only have sex when YOU are ready, never feel pressured into anything. Your dh was not the one to go through nine months of pregnancy and then surgery!!

I resumed my sex life from 2-3 weeks with my dcs, but that is because I wanted to not because i felt i had to.
Maybe your dh could take over more at night and let you have a rest

McHappyPants2012 · 11/08/2012 14:51

I had an uncomplicated labour and no stitches ect and still 8 week post birth there is no way I had my sex drive back.

Just make sure you both find time for each other and once baby is sleeping longer your sex life will resume

5madthings · 11/08/2012 14:53

yanbu, you have an 8week old baby, god my dd is 20ths (youngest of 5) and our sex life is sporadic! mainly because dp works crazy shifts, so i am on my own a lot with the children and we are both tired!

and i totally relate to the 'touched out' feeling when you have been looking after small children ALL day and been cuddling, feeding, etc sometimes you just want a bit of space and no you dont want a bloody cuddle. not always and after a cup of tea and the kids are in bed etc we try and make time for each other, snuggle up on the sofa etc.

dp has never pressured me either, afer ds1 it was months before we had sex, well full sex we did non penatrative stuff earlier. ds2 it was only 2 weeks but I wanted it. cant remember with the other 3! but it varied and it takes a while to feel back to yourself, have the energy or the inclination, even now we may stilll choose sleep over sex.