to not want to have sex until our baby sleeps through the night?

[Wigglewoo]

I'm saying this a little tongue in cheek as I realise other people do... But I'm just so exhausted with ds 8 weeks that I have completely lost all interest and desire for sex, much to the hurt of my dh...

Ds doesn't sleep hardly at all, day or night. Maybe 3 hours a day not all at once, and wakes for hours at a time at night. Not even crying, just wide awake wanting to play, fidgeting, grunting. I can't (and wouldn't) ignore him to sleep (as he seems happy enough) because he's very noisy and wakes us all up! So I'm up with him most of the night walking about with him etc. I do all the stuff you're supposed to - dark room, no stimulation, no talking - sod it all nothing works. And dd was a gina ford baby sleeping 7-7 from about 12 weeks so this is a massive shock.

Dh does help with ds - he does some night feeds if he hasn't got a really difficult day at work due and he let's me have a lie in / early night on days off...

But none of its helping. I have zero sex drive. And this is someone who used to have sex every day!!!

Dh and I have talked and he feels there is no intimacy between us :( (its having a knock on effect emotionally too as we are just too tired to make time for each other). But even though I know this I still can't change the situation.

How do other marriages / couples survive this? We are struggling to maintain our closeness but at the same time we are just so tired :(

Did you have a very active sex life before the baby was born? Is this a new thing for him? Perhaps he's just being dim and not able to think past his huge swollen aching balls...?

I'd be very pleasant about it, agree wholeheartedly that you'd love to be physically intimate - and ask him what he can do to relieve some the exhaustion you are experiencing so you can relieve him?

Otherwise, God gave him two hands for a reason - to hold the mouse in one, and sort his own issues out with the other.

I remember feeling like I should have sex with my DH about the same stage as you did, a whole 2 weeks in. My bits were still like a pound of mince, but I wanted to be a good wife and "reward" him for being a good husband and dad (Yes, I know we should never feel pressurised into sex. I wasn't, but just thought a bit of Nike sex - you know, just do it - would cheer him up)

Baby started crying 10 mins in, my boobs started spurting all over the place. Fed baby, came back to bed, he thought we'd resume the gettingjiggy - and I was really sad that everyone just wanted a bit of me!

It was a wee while until we worked out a routine that suited us both. But, that's what happens - things change. You'll work it out.

8 weeks! That is no time at all, especially if BF.
It seems to be commonplace, amongst many women I know, that they feel they can't be cuddly with their partner without 'more' being expected of them. I find this very sad. Tell him, practise it: "I still really love you, and I want to be close to you, but I'm too tired for sex. Please still kiss and cuddle me because I need the intimacy, but I would like you to be patient about sex."
I reject the idea that sex is the greatest intimacy you can have with your loved one. The closest, most loved and connected I have felt to DP was curled up in bed, the morning after we had come home with DD. DS woke up, came and cuddled his new sister, and DP held all three of us while we dozed in bed. We didn't have sex for another 3 months, but we absolutely didn't need to.

I heard a study on woman's hour recently that the average time it take to get back your "groove" (their word not mine) is 15 months.

If he wants to be intimacy with you I;d suggest he does some kind gentle non sexual touch foot massages, hand holding, shoulder rubs that sort of thing.

In terms of how we work it out as a couple. We talk honestly about how we are feeling. We make an effort to be physically close in otherways a good proper french kiss for example. We still haven't resumed having sex like it was pre children but when we do it's lovely and wanted and enjoyed by both of us.

Looking back I wish I had waited longer then I did because the first few times were not very comfortable and it put me off for longer.

I do think the key here is to talk honestly and openly about how you feel.

Well you & your DH have a long time to wiat then. Many kids don't sleep thorugh till they're about 3-4 yrs old.

This is just nature's contraception. You need time after birth. Don't feel guilty.

We're co-sleeping with DD (nearly 12 wks) and have managed to DTD twice in that time; first time was when my DM took DD out for a couple of hours, second time was with DD fast asleep in her bednest one morning (no transferred mattress wobble). The second time was far too weird, so I've spent weeks trying to convince DM to take DD out again when DSSs are at their mother's but she keeps being too busy!!!

DP's open that he has "taken matters into his own hand" plenty of a few times, and I encourage him by asking him what he was thinking of (soppy git still claims he fantasises about me ). We kiss and cuddle lots of times each day (almost always with one of us carrying DD as she's not the biggest fan of being put down), blow kisses to each other and tell each other "I love you" while I'm feeding DD on the sofa. When we go to bed, he cuddles up to me while I'm lying down feeding DD to sleep and if we're not totally exhausted after she's fallen asleep on the nipple again, I'll turn around for a bit for more cuddles and kissing.

Don't forget that you've had MAJOR abdominal surgery - you may not be bruised & battered in the undercarriage area, but you are still healing internally even if the surface appears ok. Talk to your DP and let him know that you still love him even if you don't feel up to the physical side of things right now - you've had 2 DCs together, so (I hope) that he can get it into his skull understand that.

Elinor that's so lovely it made me well up! Dc2 due next week and I really hope we have moments like that.

I have had 3 children and its always taken me a good couple of months to get back into the swing of things (no jokes please ) With dd2 I'm afraid that had we waited until she slept through, dd3 would have been a long time away. Dd2 started to sleep through the week I had dd3 .

I always made a point of saying to my husband that I missed having sex with him but I just wasn't going to do it to get it over with iyswim, so he'd have to wait [shrug]