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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit put out that MIL is choosing church over DD's first birthday

34 replies

vvviola · 11/08/2012 07:46

Background: we moved literally to the other side of the planet to allow MIL & other members of DH's family time to get to know the DC (& me to some extend I suppose). We live 2 hours drive from MIL (it's where the work for DH is). She was up 2 weeks ago for DD1's birthday party. We were meant to visit this weekend but DD2 has been very sick & it wasn't a good idea to travel.

DH rang today to say we were planning a party for DD2's first birthday. On Saturday week. Has to be that weekend because of DH's on-call rota. We made it the Saturday so that MIL would be able to come up Friday & go back Saturday or Sunday.

She said she won't come up as she will be too tired to go to church the next day.

Seeing as we've had years of "oh I wish I could be there" at every event, seeing as it didn't appear to be an issue for DD1's birthday, or for her to go away for long weekends, am I being unreasonable to be just a tiny bit put out that she's putting church before her DGD's first birthday? Or at least to wish she'd come up with a better excuse that didn't make DH feel quite so crappy.

OP posts:
FelicitywasSarca · 11/08/2012 07:53

Depends really,

Is mil getting older and finding travelling generally more difficult of late?

Is that Sunday a special event at her church? Does she have responsibilities- serving communion/ushering/refreshments/choir/youth work that she feels she must perform well?

DontmindifIdo · 11/08/2012 07:55

Crap excuse. Is it a special service? Still, a first birthday should be over by 6pm latest, she could be on the road by 7pm, home for 9pm and still be in bed for a decent time. Or she could stay over and go to a service near you.

On the bright side, at least you know when she complains about wanting to see the DGC she's just saying it, she doesn't really mean it, so plan your lives as suits and don't worry about guilt trips...

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 11/08/2012 07:58

I think if you wanted her to definitely be there you needed to discuss it with her before arranging it, rather than assume it would be a good time for her.

If she is still saying "oh I wish I could be there" and "oh I never see my gcs" next month then you've every right to be annoyed tell her to shut up but there isn't anything you can do about it.

She isn't putting church first, so much as putting herself and the rest of her life first, which is fair enough, actually. You're two hours drive away, she was up 2 weeks ago, she set aside this weekend for you as well and probably planned and shopped for your visit before you cancelled. Next weekend she wants to herself. I don't see why that should make your dh feel bad.

Could you try to enjoy the fact that she doesn't want to visit you every other weekend, and take over every family occasion? Lots of people would give their eye teeth for that!

TooManyDaisies · 11/08/2012 08:02

Great post bertha Completely agree.

Original poster
vvviola · 11/08/2012 08:08

Bertha - she certainly didn't plan/shop for our visit. It was a tentative plan & we can't stay with her anyway, so would have been staying in a hotel nearby.

DH feels a bit bad I think because my parents used to move heaven and earth to be there for events & he was just a bit surprised by her casual "no, can't come" - without even appearing to be disappointed. There was no other option for the party - DH was on call the weekends either side & any further into September & it just didn't seem like there was a point.

I get that it's a long drive, but she always stays (and knows she is welcome to stay) a couple of nights to make it easier.

I understand church is important to her (she can only go to 'her' church - it's an independent one), I just had hoped her DGD was too. Sad (I'm slightly sleep deprived and may be taking it to heart a little more than I normally would)

OP posts:
danteV · 11/08/2012 08:11

Why would you move your family across the world for your ils?
Surely there was an extra advantages for you and your family.
I know some people that wouldn't miss church for anything, so where possible I try to arrange things around it. That's if I really want them to come.
But yabnu to be disappointed.

Hopeforever · 11/08/2012 08:12

As my kids GP's are rarely there for birthdays I think YABU but then be not moved across the globe to be closer.

Is she involved in running something/leading/praying etc at church? If so its understandable she needs to be awake!

Also, as said by Bertha, she has been to see you recently, she could still be tired from that, how old is she?

Original poster
vvviola · 11/08/2012 08:12

Oh, and it wasn't the first she'd heard of the party - when she was up 2 weeks ago, we'd said we'd be doing something for DD2's birthday on one of two weekends (once DH's on-call schedule was formed up), & she'd said she was looking forward to it.

(Not meaning to drip feed, honest, it just occurred to me that we had mentioned it before)

OP posts:
Original poster
vvviola · 11/08/2012 08:14

Dante we moved across the world to spend some time over here as DH & I believe that our children have the right to get to know both sides of their family & experience both (albeit fairly similar) cultures.

OP posts:
danteV · 11/08/2012 08:19

So that was the only reason. Tbh, and this is only my opinion, I wouldn't have moved from involved family if this was so important.
I also wouldn't have moved all that way and lived 2 hours from her.
This is because I know my mum, wouldn't drive for 2 hours so whether we lived 2 hours or 24 hours away dcs wouldn't see her more often. however this is because she isn't in the best health. Your mil maybe be very fit.
I just think if you decide to make the move, its your choice and that shouldn't dictate other actions.

neverquitesure · 11/08/2012 08:22

It sounds to me like it's her attitude more than the actual refusal that's caused most the upset. As other posters have said there are many valid reasons why she might not want or be able to attend, but to just casually dismiss it as you would decline an invitation to coffee belittles the importance of the day.

Original poster
vvviola · 11/08/2012 08:27

MIL is extremely fit & active. Still goes hiking etc.

While I accept it's a long drive, it isn't that she would have been completely exhausted by it to the extent that she couldn't do it again a month later.

Dante - we'd been led to believe that we were moving from one involved family to another. Certainly the way she spoke before we came over made it sound that way. We had to live 2 hours away because that's where the work is for DH (I'm studying because my career isn't transferable). There was no point in coming over to be unemployed.

OP posts:
Original poster
vvviola · 11/08/2012 08:31

Neverquitesure - maybe that's what's bothering me. I don't know. I'm just feeling crappy about it, and sorry for DH who just looked stunned when he came off the phone.

I was sad enough that my parents couldn't be there but had said at least one grandparent will be.

OP posts:
BBQWidow · 11/08/2012 08:33

I've had a little epiphany over my (similar) situation. We relocated after A Lot of pressure from the ILs, a few years back. There was a lot of "we miss out on..." and "we'll never know..." So we moved.

Turns out, those words (in my epiphany) are more to make them feel better about not being there, rather than necessarily wanting to be there. Not their fault that we made the decisions that we did, and now...5 years on...I'm ok with the decision that we made. I spent a lot of angry time in between, but I don't get to make their decisions for them, and if they want to miss out, that's their choice.

steben · 11/08/2012 08:40

Hmmm I could potentially be in this position in a few years as we also have a lot of in law guilt but I have strong feelings (based on visits) that it would be exactly the same on OP describes so for me YANBU I would feel the same. My in laws are extremely set in their ways and whilst they might sit there wishing they were at things I know there complete inability to be flexible and just go with the flow would spoil most things!

sancerreity · 11/08/2012 09:37

a four hour round trip for a one year olds birthday party ? Yabu

Original poster
vvviola · 11/08/2012 10:21

Well when you put it like that sancerreity, I suppose...

(but it's more because of all the times we heard how she'd love to be there and was so sad she couldn't etc etc)

Nevermind. We'll have a nice little party anyway.

OP posts:
BeatriceBean · 11/08/2012 10:37

We used to live 2 hours away from home in the UK and my dad saw it as a major trek. Only came a few times a year and it was a big deal when he did. There was a complete block in his head about travelling that drove me nuts. It wasn't that he didn't want to see us though -now we've moved back he sees up most weeks!

His life just really did exist within a short drive away and saw visiting further almost as I would going on holiday or flying or something!

chunkythighs · 11/08/2012 12:49

Seriously- Fuck her!

My MIL is equally shit! Decided to prepare to see her other GCs when she had the opportunity to get a free door to door lift to my sons birthday. The 1 time my FIL came to my house he had to leave early as he had a game to see. It's been almost a year since either of them saw my son and I went to see them (a 9 hour round trip with a 3yr old)......knowing that I would be coming....they went away for the weekend!!!!!

It's all well and easy in soap operas to label as 'good guys' or 'bad guys', however in real life its more complicated. They are not bad people -just incredibly selfish. At the end of the day, my son had plenty people in his life who love him, they are the losers. Go and live your life and let your inlaws do whatever they want!

I have learned never to be surprised or disappointed by them.

5madthings · 11/08/2012 12:59

sounds like my mil! her life revolves around church and helping out with church activities, its lovely on the one hand but she will not miss a church service to spend time with her grandchildren ever, she wont visit us for xmas etc as she would miss church (if she wanted she could go to a local church to us)

but then sil is the same (dps sister) only its not church its visiting/seeing friends, she cannot possibly visit us at a weekend as thats when she sees her friends, she always comes on a weekday as does mil, generally during term time and the moans that she doesnt see the children as they are school (well eldest 3 and ds4 will be in sept) drives me mental that they moan about not seeing the children but prioritise other things over them, if they were that important they would occasaionally put the children first.

sancerreity · 11/08/2012 14:28

Could i just say that I think it's really really important for GPs to have strong interests outside their GC.I have older children and it's sad to say that as they get to 10 and 11 Gps become 'back numbers' , so it is very important they have interests to fill the void.

NarkedRaspberry · 11/08/2012 14:29

I can totally understand why you're upset. You moved to allow your DH's family to bond with your DC and find that they don't want to be that involved. Unfortunately, as BBQ has said, you can't change people or make them behave differently. What they may have said when you were 1000s of miles away is very different to the reality of living 2 hours from them.

I think you need to have a think about why you're there and how you want this time to be spent. If you want to move back, do. If you want to stay - at least for a while - accept that things aren't how you hoped they would be and find things that do make you happy.

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2012 14:33

Really I wouldn't be moving heaven and earth to attend a baby's 1st birthday party.

Fair enough if we were talking about a toddler or an older child who would actually know what was going on.

But not a 1yr old baby, even if I was the Grandmother.

5madthings · 11/08/2012 14:42

sancerrity i agree but we have a number of relatives, mil, sil and another who have very busy active lives now they have retired, this is great and they are happy but they CONSTANTLY moan that they dont see enough of the children. we go and visit them etc, its hard to juggle with dp's shifts, 3 children in school and two little ones, but we do it and do the driving etc.

so when they moan that htey cant see the children BUT at the same time are telling us about all the activities they ARE making time for, the frequent holidays, weekends away etc i think well you can make time for that, fair enough but dont moan to me that you dont see the children enough. they can choose how to spend their time and i am happy with that nad looking forward to doing the same when i am older! but to then guilt trip me and dp that they dont see the children enough is infuriating, as is moaning that their holiday wore them out and they need anotehr holiday to recover. or bemoaning lack of money but still going on a good half a dozen holidays a year.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/08/2012 15:59

As has been said upthread if she has responsibilties within the church you YABU.

and depending on her age a 3 hr round trip is not going to be pleasant.

This
"Why would you move your family across the world for your ils?
Surely there was an extra advantages for you and your family."
also annoys the hell out of me.
Why should the father's family be of any less importantance than the mother's family?

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