To be a bit put out that MIL is choosing church over DD's first birthday

[vvviola]

Background: we moved literally to the other side of the planet to allow MIL & other members of DH's family time to get to know the DC (& me to some extend I suppose). We live 2 hours drive from MIL (it's where the work for DH is). She was up 2 weeks ago for DD1's birthday party. We were meant to visit this weekend but DD2 has been very sick & it wasn't a good idea to travel.

DH rang today to say we were planning a party for DD2's first birthday. On Saturday week. Has to be that weekend because of DH's on-call rota. We made it the Saturday so that MIL would be able to come up Friday & go back Saturday or Sunday.

She said she won't come up as she will be too tired to go to church the next day.

Seeing as we've had years of "oh I wish I could be there" at every event, seeing as it didn't appear to be an issue for DD1's birthday, or for her to go away for long weekends, am I being unreasonable to be just a tiny bit put out that she's putting church before her DGD's first birthday? Or at least to wish she'd come up with a better excuse that didn't make DH feel quite so crappy.

I'm sure that the 1yr old won't be bothered. She can celebrate it with you when she sees you.

Why should the father's family be of any less importantance than the mother's family?

Why indeed? Certainly not to the DCs.

The simple thing is that while your child reaching the age of 1 is of great importance to you, it's not that big a deal to her.
As you've lived some distance from her previously, she clearly has made her own life and has her own interests.
She won't/can't put you first all the time but she is making some effort as she came to you 2 weeks ago.
Saying "Oh, I wish I could be there" when you're hundreds of miles away and have no chance is easy to say but you shouldn't take that to mean that she now wants to be involved with all your family occasions.
But take no notice of me as I am very odd and DH and I once booked a weekend away so we didn't have to attend a neighbour's child's first birthday party but we didn't want to offend them. (We did send a card and a pressie though).

There is a part of me that would have been quite gleeful at not having to share DD's first birthday with family and just to have gone out and pleased ourselves. All had a great and happy day with her, but jus' sayin'. We didn't decide what we were going to do until the day before, but in the end my only proviso was that, whatever it was, she would enjoy it as the main thing, not us. We went to a baby fair where there were lots of short demos of activities, music, soft play etc. and goody bags!

Yes, I'd be a bit stunned at that reaction from GM, but I am sure you'll all enjoy yourselves. Does she understand that the 'on call' factor will mean you don't have a lot of flexibility about weekends generally either (as in visits)?

I understand how you feel OP.

My parents didn't come to DD1s first birthday. It would have been a 3.5 hour drive to us and then at least one overnight stay when they had to travel to Ireland for my brother's wedding the following weekend. I completely understood why they couldn't come BUT I couldn't help feeling disappointed at the same time.

People just don't always behave the way that you hope they will. Let it go, enjoy the party. Don't beat yourself up about the feelings you have about MILs decisions around seeing your children, it's natural that you feel that way but to maintain a relationship with her into the future you have to accept her as an individual with her own wants.

Families are rarely easy.

Best wishes x

First birthday parties are only a big deal to the parents. I think it was nice of you to invite here, but getting miffed that she doesn't want to give up her weekend when she has other plans is unreasonable.

Well, apparently she is now coming.

DH had speculated that the instant "no" was "punishment" for us not responding instantly to an invite to do something in November (we needed to talk it over & I needed to check my exam schedule). He suggested saying nothing & just getting on with our plans.

Lo & behold, message this morning that she has been able to "rearrange things" (not sure what that means as she can hardly change the time of the service?), and will be coming.

So I don't know what it was all about, but DH will be happy

Oh good! Perhaps she's rearranged having responsibilities that week if there's a rota?

I really think in the uk if you are more than 30min away it is considered a massive trek which requires a restful stop and a packed lunch. In Australia it would be nothing to come up for a birthday party for the day and have a 2 hour hour drive each way.

I can see your point OP we have moved half way across the world- family being here was a bonus not the reason we did it; but because we live at the other side of the country- have they kept in touch?- no hardly at all.

All that said why didn't you combine the parties if they were so close together? Would have made life easier for you?

I did consider it... but they are a month (exactly!) apart and we felt DD1 deserved her own party. Her 4th birthday last year was slightly overshadowed by me wandering around like a beached whale & my parents arriving to bring her to stay with them. We wanted to give her something that was hers alone. (She's brilliant with her little sister but a tiny touch of jealousy is beginning to appear).

Next year ... definitely joint parties! At least for the family stuff!