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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hold grudges?

28 replies

Woopdiedoo · 10/08/2012 21:36

I have this (ex)friend, whom I have known since high school but we got reacquainted with each other through baby groups after we had our DDs a few months apart. I also made a few other mum friends at the same time so there was a bit of a group of us. We have since gone on to have second DCs close together so I thought the friendships were cemented so to speak.

Then recently said friend fell out with me. I don't know if the reason is relevant or not. I really felt I hadn't done anything to deserve the falling out and I tried my best to be reasonable with her to a) maintain the group friendship and b) because our DDs were attending preschool together and were are good friends. However, things got worse between us and I have become quite resentful of the way I was treated by her.

Our DDs have been allocated places in different schools and following some name calling by said friend we agreed that the friendship would fizzle out but I remained civil with her until preschool broke up for summer. If I'm honest I'm relieved I don't have to deal with her anymore as I always felt very uncomfortable around her.

But recently she has got in touch saying that her Dd is missing mine and could we meet up. My initial reaction is that I don't want to for the reasons already stated. The problem is that I don't think she has many friends who have girls the same age as her DD who is quite a shy girl who doesn't make friends easily. I don't really have this problem since we have a large circle of friends with girls the same age as my DD who is very outgoing and makes friends easily so wouldn't necessarily miss my ex-friend's Dd's friendship especially as they won't be attending school together.

I do feel for this friends predicament but in the same token I don't want to maintain a pretence with her when there is no benefit to me or my family.

So AIBU to hold a grudge with this woman or should I let it go so that our DCs can remain friends? Sorry if that made no sense.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 10/08/2012 21:38

I'm harsh. I don't care why you fell out. Or not as the case may be. Is your DD asking to play with the other girl? If not, ignore contact.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 10/08/2012 21:41

YANBU

idiots like me don't hold grudges

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/08/2012 21:41

Why did she fall out with you, you've skipped that bit?
I feel sorry for her shy dd TBH, maybe your daughter would like this friendship?

crocodiletears · 10/08/2012 21:43

Personally, I would move on.

I don't really understand how you feel we can decide whether your 'grudge' is legit or not, without giving details of what happened, though?

That's not to say that I think you're on the wrong, just odd to ask that question without explaining why you actually fell out.

mrsduff · 10/08/2012 21:46

You are totally within your rights to ignore this 'friend' if you feel uncomfortable around her etc, but I can't help but feel sorry for her DD, and may invite her round to play (without her mum if possible) so she has a friend - but I am very soft..

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 10/08/2012 21:56

Sorry, this is only my second post do not sure about how much detail is appropriate.

In a nutshell, I was aware that she was planning her wedding for next year or the year after (she didnt know herself due to finances). She had already decided that she would use a particular venue although she was still viewing others. I was also engaged but no timeframe in when wedding would take place. Then DP came into a little bit of money do we started looking at venues.

Due to the small budget we looked at 'her' venue and put our name down provisionally for an off peak cheap date. Gen she announced she had set her date - for the date we had our name down for!!! She basically demanded that I remove my booking do she could have the date. I did what she asked and chose another venue that was second on our list due to distance.

Even though I gave up the booking, she didn't speak to me for a month, I stopped being invited to things by near enough the whole group, then she told me I had lied and been sneaky, etc etc. It was very stressful and upsetting to me since a) I didn't feel if done anything that bad and b) I put it right at her request. It felt very high school to me.

My Dd does speak fondly if her Dd if her name us mentioned but like I say, she has lots if other friends so it's not a massive loss to her IMO.

OP posts:
crocodiletears · 10/08/2012 21:57

Oh god, just ignore her then, she sounds ridiculous.

So much will change in their lives once they start reception, it's really not important.

StarryCole · 10/08/2012 21:59

Nah - move on until you can not 'feel' a grudge anymore to your friend. Leave it be and get on with your own lives. Otherwise you'll feel quite peeved off (internally), have expectations of your friend (that she may not meet) and generally, it's not a recipriocal relationship wouldn't it? What's the point?

Friendships at your DD's age are transient, let her take the lead who she wants to be friends with.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 10/08/2012 21:59

steer clear!

FelicitywasSarca · 10/08/2012 22:00

Oh dear, stop contact or this ridiculous drama will go on forever. She's obviously missing it.

PissyDust · 10/08/2012 22:01

Ignore and move on.

Your DD and her DD will make and break lots of friendships along the way, you do not need to be friends with their mothers.

bumperella · 10/08/2012 22:02

I'd stay clear of her. You did what she wanted you to do, and she still sulked for a month - it's not like you'd done anything outrageous to start with.
Unless it was a really obscure venue (that you'd not ahve thought of if she hadn't thought of it first) then it sounds outrageous that you couldn't jsut both get married at the same venue, (on different dates obv).

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/08/2012 22:03

Well that was a rather dramatic drip feed.
Why didn't you say this in the first place?

AgentZigzag · 10/08/2012 22:07

I don't really think of them as grudges, it's more knowing what that person is like/capable of, not liking that, and deciding you'd rather not spend time with them.

A grudge implies you're being irrational, and since different people find different things unacceptable in a friendship, who's anyone else to say whether that's valid or not (apart from on MN where it'd be a bit quiet else Grin).

If you don't want contact and your DD isn't suffering, nobody elses business.

You didn't think much to her before you fell out, so it's not just that one incident is it?

AgentZigzag · 10/08/2012 22:09

Not a drip feed LBE, OP probably didn't want to put posters off with a huge OP, drip feeding is more when OPs feel they're losing the argument and start dripping info to help get people 'onside'.

Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 10/08/2012 22:22

Thanks for the replies everyone. Sorry for not putting the whole story in straight off, I couldn't think of a way to put the reason for the falling out briefly. I guess I was also concerned that people would think I had BU for 'stealing' her venue as I have been genuinely shocked by how weird people are over such matters.

I am a bit soft myself, and there is a big part of me feels very sorry for her Dd but like pps have said, there is every chance that they will both make new friends at their respective schools. I can't see there being a way of just having her Dd round on her own as they are still young and it would still necessitate having contact with ex-friend.

I hadn't considered that she may be wanting to continue with the drama but it's a good point. I think she knows I'm a pushover and very much enjoyed the whole spat at one point having it 'out' with me in the playground.

The funny thing is, I did like her before this. I could never have predicted she would behave this way or I would never have viewed the venue in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woopdiedoo · 10/08/2012 22:23

Forgot to add that the venue is the main one on our area, I know 3 other people marrying there next year aside from her so I would have looked at it anyway.

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 10/08/2012 22:25

She'd only use you until her DD makes some new friends at school - she's viewing you as cheap entertainment over the summer. Ignore her.

Angelico · 10/08/2012 22:32

Ignore her. YANBU.

aquashiv · 10/08/2012 22:57

So your dd doesnt really give two hoots about her dd. Said lady sounds like a controlling ole battle axe. Why exactly would you want to stay friends?
You know the answer opSmile.

50shadesofslapntickle · 10/08/2012 23:32

Ignore, ignore, ignore! She sounds like a childish idiot and your dd is young enough to make new friends and move on.

Don't be her 'pushover' friend anymore. Don't reply to her texts etc or just say you are busy everytime she tries to meet up. You will be rid of her soon enough and it will infuriate her that you didn't roll over which is amusing in itself!

Just forget her and move on. Putting up with idiots like her is not worth it.

Springforward · 10/08/2012 23:37

Blimey. What a drama llama, I personally would steer clear, politely, I think.

bluana · 10/08/2012 23:39

I really wouldn't. I made a similar mistake for similar reasons and the madness just escalated. As much as you feel for the dc, there really is nothing you can do when the dm is a so ridiculous.

I would keep well clear.

SoleSource · 10/08/2012 23:43

Yabu

AgentZigzag · 10/08/2012 23:46

That's such a cop out Sole Grin

But why??

Get those judgy pants hoiked FFS!