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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accompany dd and dad on contact?

43 replies

Movingforward123 · 10/08/2012 17:54

My dd is five, since she was born exp and I had been breaking up and getting back together. Often contact broke down for various reasons.

Once he broke my frount door down in anger and I stopped contact. He has also been violent towards me but not dd.

The last time time contact broke down, he had been letting her down most of the time when they were due to see each other, often on the day and dd was left crying. He blamed it on me most of the time even though we had agreed dates in advance Hmm. This had been going on for 6months. The reason was because dd had started reception and was very tired after school, and he wanted her after school days and I said no, he must stick to weekends as agreed on our contact order. And it seemed to me he didnt want to make time for her on the weekend.

Anyway on two seperate occasions he text me to say maybe it was for the best if he didnt see dd anymore. First time I talked him round and said come to take dd for dinner even though her was about 5 hours late. The second time he text that, I said fine, I think your right it is for the best and he didnt see dd for 6months.

Now he has started seeing her again and only seen her 3 times and thinks I am completley out of order for wanting to go along with them.

Also he is annoyed that I will not give him my current mobile number. (he has my old number which he can call me on and my email address which come straight through to my phone).

So AIBU to want to accompany them? Considering that he can be unstable at times?

OP posts:
MrGin · 10/08/2012 18:22

If you have concerns about her safety or well being when with him then yes.

If he's spent time with her alone before and it's been fine then no.

BlendingIntoTheBackground · 10/08/2012 18:38

What's the actual reason you want to be with them?

Your post above seems to to point out that you are concerned about his reliability at keeping in contact and not letting DD down when he says he is coming.

Once he has actually turned up, what is making you uncomfortable with allowing him to spend time on his own with her?

mishymashy · 10/08/2012 18:54

Why would you want to spend time with your Ex if the only issue is his lack of reliabilityConfused

She is as much his daughter as yours so unless there were very real safety concerns i would leave them to it.

I wouldnt want my ex tagging along with me on days out unless you are trying to frighten him off by adding loads of clauses onto his visitation times like spending time with you!!

Why restrict his after school visits, surely your DD manages to stay awake for tea and a small play with you Mon-Fri. Couldnt he get her home by 7ish?

I dont see why contact has to be so rigid but would not be happy with DD being let down having been there myself so just reiterate your feelings to him and see how it goes.

Maybe i am reading your post wrong and if so sorry.

Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 18:57

What does the contact order say?

Original poster
Movingforward123 · 10/08/2012 19:30

He has spent time alone with her and it has been fine.

I do feel like I have concerns, there have been a few incidents in the past that make me wonder if I should let him have her alone. Once when she was about 1, he was in my house looking after dd as I was out for the night, he got annoyed with me because I was out and thought I might be upto something. So he took her to his home at 1am. I felt it was unreasonable for him to do that and feel that sometimes he can get annoyed with me and do things that are not the best for dd just to get at me.

Also kicking in my door in the middle of the night because he was angry with me is also not good for dd.

also he had been messaging one of my friends to ask about giving dd a birthday present, she had replied and he then proceeded to send her 8 messages in the time that she had only sent one.

And it just makes me feel like he acts crazy sometimes. Also he often has to take steriods for a medical condition he has, and lots of times lost his temper completely with me and blames it on the medication.

The contact order says he will have her on saturday or sunday each week and can collect her from my home. I was happy at the time to give him this access and it was me that suggested it, so did not try to oppose it in anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingforward123 · 10/08/2012 19:33

also when dd had first started recption she was really tired and exp doesn't drive, so I thought that him taking her all around the place on buses would be too much for her. I think that would be ok this year, but he is always late for everything and once picked dd up from school 40mins late and blamed the busses Confused

OP posts:
MrGin · 10/08/2012 19:43

MovingForward,

I think it's not a good idea that you are with him and yr dd.

From what you've posted it sounds like the issues are between you and him and I think until that is sorted it's not worth risking an argument infront of yr dd. It'll upset her and cause further friction between you too.

You are right to have concerns, but it doesn't sound like he's a risk to yr dd however unreliable he is.

Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 19:46

Your concerns wouldn't stand up in court would they? Concerns from when she was one? She is 5 now!!

Stick to the order!

Original poster
Movingforward123 · 10/08/2012 19:51

So stick to the order two years after it being created? Even thought it has never been stuck to before? As he hasn't seen her for the last 6months and before that had her for 5 weekends maxium. Other then that was week days Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingforward123 · 10/08/2012 19:52

also exp messaging my friend was within the last month, and he didnt seem sound in his mind when he was messaging her.

OP posts:
TheQueenOfDiamonds · 10/08/2012 21:15

Stick to the order. You would be breaking the law and could be fined if you try to enforce your own rules. It is not your right to force your presence upon him.

If you have a problem with him not sticking to the order, take it back to court to raise concerns because he is not being consistent. They may reduce contact. Doubt they'd grant supervised access though, unless he's a danger to her.

Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 21:16

The texting you friend is irrelevant. That sounds like you are clutching at straws

Pippinintherain · 10/08/2012 21:21

You stick to the order.

He may be pissing you off but he poses no threat to your DD. He is her father and should be able to see her alone.

CaptainVonTrapp · 10/08/2012 21:26

Unreliable, unstable, repeatedly late... Didn't see her at all for 6 month stretch. That is a long time in the life of a 5 year old. I wouldn't be happy to leave her with him alone. He may have Fathered her but he certainly doesn't seem to behave like one. Do you want him to continue to see her?

kissingtoads · 10/08/2012 21:29

Follow your gut instinct. If you have an uneasy feeling for the safety of your daughter then, regardless of orders or whatever other people say, put your child first. If that means accompanying them then do so.

Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 21:35

Erm, follow gut instinct???

Dear god! Op, re post this in the legal section. Get some good advice over there. You do NOT mess with court orders because if a 'gut instinct'

And as fir him being ' unstable' that's for a qualified psych to decide, not to be based on a few texts to a friend!

LadySybildeChocolate · 10/08/2012 21:40

You have to stick to the order. It may be wise to seek professional legal advice to see if it's possible to change this to access via a contact centre though. They will be supervised and any non attendances will be documented (may be necessary if there's any further litigation).

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 10/08/2012 21:42

Oh dear lord, kissingtoads and captain - Gut instincts and the OPs feelings do not come into it. She is bound by law to make the child available for contact as and when the court order specifies.

She is within her rights to refuse extra contact, but she cannot enforce supervision or with hold contact.

Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 21:46

Bloody dangerous 'advice' to mess with a contact order. Do you not read the news?? Did you not hear they are toughening up on this?

Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 22:06

and to suggest you go along when his violence has been aimed at you? That's just going to antagonise him.

CaptainVonTrapp · 10/08/2012 22:45

So he doesn't see her for 6 months but the OP should then send her daughter off with this half forgotten stranger man? Because the idea of sending a 5 year old off with a virtual stranger (Father or not) is unacceptable to me court order or not.

kissingtoads · 10/08/2012 22:59

How silly of me. Of course, fathers never hurt their children do they?

Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 23:00

No, mothers don't either

Your point is??

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 10/08/2012 23:04

Captain - it doesn't matter whether its unacceptable to you. The op is bound by law to make the child available. If she feels the childs stability is being compromised by her father/the order, she can take it back to court, she hasn't done so obviously she isn't that bothered.

If she withholds the child she would be breaking the law and could be held in contempt, arrested, fined or given community service.

Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 23:05

Mumsnet.... It's like the blind leading the blind sometimes!