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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accompany dd and dad on contact?

43 replies

Movingforward123 · 10/08/2012 17:54

My dd is five, since she was born exp and I had been breaking up and getting back together. Often contact broke down for various reasons.

Once he broke my frount door down in anger and I stopped contact. He has also been violent towards me but not dd.

The last time time contact broke down, he had been letting her down most of the time when they were due to see each other, often on the day and dd was left crying. He blamed it on me most of the time even though we had agreed dates in advance Hmm. This had been going on for 6months. The reason was because dd had started reception and was very tired after school, and he wanted her after school days and I said no, he must stick to weekends as agreed on our contact order. And it seemed to me he didnt want to make time for her on the weekend.

Anyway on two seperate occasions he text me to say maybe it was for the best if he didnt see dd anymore. First time I talked him round and said come to take dd for dinner even though her was about 5 hours late. The second time he text that, I said fine, I think your right it is for the best and he didnt see dd for 6months.

Now he has started seeing her again and only seen her 3 times and thinks I am completley out of order for wanting to go along with them.

Also he is annoyed that I will not give him my current mobile number. (he has my old number which he can call me on and my email address which come straight through to my phone).

So AIBU to want to accompany them? Considering that he can be unstable at times?

OP posts:
kissingtoads · 10/08/2012 23:17

I would rather break the law than put my child in danger. End of.

Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 23:19

Why is this child 'in danger'?

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 10/08/2012 23:26

Are you stupid?
If OP withholds child, OP could be arrested. If OP is arrested, child will be handed over to the father.

So OP would gain nothing but a hefty fine if a judge decides to give her one, and risk looking bad in court.

tartyflette · 10/08/2012 23:28

The OP can, of course, go back to court to apply to have the contact order varied.
I think the father's reliability could be a point at issue, as well as him saying that he wanted no further contact with the child at one time.

Or, OP, you could apply for your exP to to have supervised contact with DD at a neutral location, would you be happy with that?

And if your exP can get in touch with you easily by email I don't think you need to give him your current phone no.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 10/08/2012 23:31

If there were danger to the child he would not have been given contact like he has.

If the OP feels he is a danger, she is free to take it back to court - it can be heard quickly if there is an imediate threat. If she feels the court order no longer serves a purpose she is free to take it back to court.

In the mean time she is bound by law to make the child available. It would be damaging to both her and her child to break a court order.

Original poster
Movingforward123 · 10/08/2012 23:32

so doesnt it matter that her "father" hasnt bothered to see her for 6months? He didn't keep to the court order either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingforward123 · 10/08/2012 23:34

I suggested to exp that he could have supervised contact at a contact centre if he doesn't want to see me, he said no to that as well as no to me being there.

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 23:36

So why haven't you returned to court?

Original poster
Movingforward123 · 10/08/2012 23:40

well because he didn't bother to see her i didn't see the point. At one stage I was going to as I wanted the contact order removed due to him not seeing her, but my solicitor was rubbish and I was going to try to get a new one. I think I need to get a decent one this time.

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 10/08/2012 23:41

Keep your part of the court order by offering contact as stipulated.

Make a note of any/all times he is late or doesn't attend (don't tell your DD till last minute so no disappointments)

If after another 6 months he doesn't want/ appear to want contact go back to court & ask for a variation on the order.

Olympia2012 · 10/08/2012 23:44

The only person who has to comply with a contact order is you. What would you suggest fir 'a new one'? It doesn't wifi like that

The court is more likely to ask your ex what would work best with regards to travel/work and when he realistically is able to make it

Original poster
Movingforward123 · 10/08/2012 23:50

Oh great, so they will try to work around his schedule! So are you saying that he doesnt have to see dd if he doesn't want to? But if I have a problem with it tough luck? And him deciding not to see dd is fine? Is that correct? As I think I need to understand this better!

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 10/08/2012 23:56

At one stage I was going to as I wanted the contact order removed due to him not seeing her, but my solicitor was rubbish

Well I expect this "rubbish" solicitor probably wanted to try and back up any variation with some sound reasons. Only while your ex is hardly going to win an award for commitment, he is still your dd's father and you do have a contact order which you are required to comply with. Just because your ex has proved unreliable is not a good enough reason for you to decide that your dd will have no further contact with him. Coming up with a list of reasons that involve behaviour that took place 4 years ago and an odd phone call to your friend won't stand up. In fact, this all comes across as a desire to punish your ex for his failings rather than a genuine desire to try and maintain a relationship between your dd and her father.

However, this is not to say that you couldn't have the contact order varied if you are certain that this is in your dd's interest and the facts of the matter bear this out. But don't expect it to be the easiest thing to achieve because courts are often reluctant to cut the ties between parents and children.

As for going along on access visits, I'd say this is a bad idea and I'm not surprised it has gone down like a lead balloon with your ex. If you don't trust him with your dd then it would be better to go for supervised contact somewhere neutral.

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2012 00:00

Pandemoniaa speaks perfect sense OP

You need to disengage your feelings and emotions and put a sensible hat on here.

Olympia2012 · 11/08/2012 00:00

He isn't 'forced' to take up the contact. No court can make him.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 11/08/2012 00:10

so doesnt it matter that her "father" hasnt bothered to see her for 6months? He didn't keep to the court order either.

No it doesn't matter. You still have to keep to the order. If you break it you will face consequences no matter what he's done.

You are bound by law to make that child available for contact in the times specified on the court order. That is it. You do not have the right to start making variations, or enforcing rules as a result of him breaking the order. That is for a judge to do.

What I would do is make a record of correspondence, and note down any missed visits, early returns, late pick ups etc, and then go back to court to ask that contact be revised because he doesn't turn up, and that because you, incompliance with the court order, are getting your child ready to see their father, and father is then not turning up, it is impacting emotionally on them. But nothing more. (Unless there are other genuine concerns, that are not to do with messaging your friend ffs).

If you start withholding contact not only does it make you a criminal but it makes you just as bad as him in a courts eyes.

CaptainVonTrapp · 11/08/2012 20:40

OP I think one of the messages coming through here is that you must have the contact order amended officially IF you decide this is what you want. That is, do you feel its in the interests of your daughter to reduce or stop these visits?

Because, you are obliged to meet your terms of the order even if he doesn't.

No one is going to arrest you without warning and perhaps a 6 month absence would even be a reasonable excuse to deny access in the eyes of the courts. But do it properly if thats what you want.

CaptainVonTrapp · 11/08/2012 20:44

Disagree with Queen If you break it you will face consequences no matter what he's done the courts look at reasons why the orders have been broken although whether the OP is justified is of course uncertain here.

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